Should I change my will?

[BigWillieStyIe]

Should I amend my will?

I do not have children, but have been godmother to David (name changed) for 45+ years. I told his mother before she passed that he was the benefactor of my estate when my time came.

David is doing extremely well for himself. He has married a woman from a reasonably wealthy background, they both have successful and financially rewarding careers. I know he inherted well from his mother, and his wife will inherit a decent sum unless it goes on care home fees etc.

I am not in the best of health, but not at deaths door, god willing, and should have a good ten-20 years more all being well.

I live in an affluent area in the penthouse in a block of flats, which i bought decades ago and through sheer good luck and property prices being what they are, is worth a tidy sum.

He does not need it, imo! I mean sure, it would be nice.

Conversely, there is a single mother, Kate, on one of the flats in my block raising two children in a tiny three-bed flat rental. She sleeps in the box room. She is unwell/disabled herself, and has been through a tough time. Her parents died and she will inherit nothing from anywhere else. She has no siblings, no help from anywhere. The father of her children is not on the scene. We talk, she is lovely company. She works but has little left over for anything as it all goes on rent and bills. She helps me out a lot with errands and is very kind. I have already told her in passing that my estate is going to my godson, she didn't bat an eyelid and continues to help me. It has been five years, so not a very recent friendship/neighbour.

I am now tempted to change my will to change her life. It will be so life-changing for her. It won't make much of a difference to my godson who is independently affluent. She can just move up here when I am gone, have more space, and some relief from the hard slog I know she goes through to pay her rent.

YANBU - change it to this single mum
YABU - stick with the godson

Clearly there are many things to consider here, from tax to benefits to promises made. But fundamentally, OP, I think your thoughts are going in the right direction. How to let godson down gently is an issue, though....

I would alter it for now, but I would talk to your god son. Tell him that as the years have passed and your lioir life has expanded, there's other people you wish to support when you die and whilst you will of course leave him a large amount given he's your family, you want to prepare him for it not being everything.

A decent person will say OK, thank you, of course.

If he kicks off or drops contact, you know who he is.

I would then split it. It might not buy her a house outright, but it will change her life. It also doesn't put the responsibility of dealing with all your belongings etc exclusively on her.

Put in the house is to be sold and the proceeds split, choose some meaningful pieces to give them both and the rest can be sold.

You can change it in 10 years or 20 years of you need to. I also wouldn't tell him who, just keep it vague in case he actually is an entitled dick.

No reason at all UNLESS they had taken it upon themselves to promise to your mother as she was dying that you would inherit from them!

I don't think this is hard to follow. This it's not a random expectation dreamt up by the godson and it's not a general side-eye, apropos nothing, that the OP has decided not to leave her estate to her godson; it's a result of the OP not only making a deathbed promise to his mother, but apparently informing her godson that that's what she would be doing too.

The fact he is her godson is really completely irrelevant (as is the fact that John Dashwood is stepson and half-brother to the S&S women). The point is that she made a promise which she now wants to go back on because she wants to do something else instead. Fine. But let's not pretend that's not what she is doing and that it's an unalloyed noble act.

It's harsh but I honestly think the bit about making promises because they make her feel good and a bit Lady Bountiful at the time, and then rethinking the promise when it might no longer feed that sense of herself (and there is someone else to whom a promise can be made that will feed that feeling more) is probably at least partially correct.

“As she was dying” is more Georgette Heyer than Austen. OP simply told her before she died. And she may not have told her son.

Dashwood was a blood relation of the girls and it was their father’s estate. That’s a completely different scenario. In some counties it’s not possible to disinherit blood relations. And let’s not forget Willoughby who expected a fortune and did not get it.

Either way, OP’s equity such as it is is much more likely to go on care fees than great expectations.

I agree with everything @MrRydersParlourGame has said. I find the whole thread slightly nauseating. Still, OP has managed to feel good about making a lofty promise to her dying friend, and now to feel good about going back on that promise in favour of somebody else, all without inconveniencing herself or actually doing anything at all for anybody 👏

Do whatever feels right to you. It's your money and only you can decide who you want to leave it to.
But a lot can change between now and when you die. If you want to help Katy why not try and help me her now?

You are correct only about fiction, not about the facts on this scenario.

Quotations from the OP:

"I feel like I am breaking my word to David's mother"

"I suppose with David's mother, when she was dying I wanted her to know I was going to help provide for him." (emphasis mine)

"He also knows he is the named recipient of all my earthly possessions."

This is about breaking one's word (to whomever) in general and the later watering down of promises to dying people freely undertaken once they become a burden in reality.

Not considering yourself bound by your word, especially to a dead person who can no longer do anything about your breach, does not speak very flatteringly about anyone's character, however much you'd like to quibble with a literary analogy.

And for the love of god, let's not bring Dickens into it on top of everything else (or else I'll raise you a Bronte! 😅)

You say you will hope that she would live in the flat. But would she be able to afford it? She will have inheritance tax to pay, would she able to pay that without selling the proper?

If you’re not already, you could start helping Kate out now, seeing as she helps you. It would be more beneficial to her now, rather than later when she could be doing well for herself like your Godson. Or leave them a bit each. You can always adopt me.

Or perhaps they’re just a bit more realistic and less prone to performative online virtue signalling.

My approach to wills is that it ain’t over until the fat lady sings. Anything can happen. I wouldn’t personally set much store by something I was promised long in advance because people tend to be romantic in the moment. Nor do I think it is ever sensible to rely on a legacy. There’s been enough will shenanigans in my family to fill a George Eliot novel. So I have more experience than many.

Quite apart from that - ethically it’s perfectly reasonable to alter one’s last wishes based on further relationships and events in one’s life. OP, for example, may have made a late marriage and left her estate to her spouse.

It's your money, you can leave it to whoever you want to.

I completely agree it's never sensible to rely on a legacy (we've clearly read enough to learn that lesson!) but we shall have to agree to differ about the ethics of breaking one's word, refusing to acknowledge it as such and what it says about a person.

If the OP had acknowledged that she was unwise to have made the promise in the first place given that life can change and she wasn't absolutely committed to keeping it, come what may, this whole thread would irritate me far less. No-one's perfect.

It's the slightly wide-eyed bewilderment that anyone might think the OP's proposed course of action is anything but delightful and virtuous that is slightly off-putting (and leads me to the rather uncharitable conclusion that a lot of what's behind both the original promise and the latest intention has more than a bit to do with setting herself up to be viewed in a particular light by others).

What an amazing thing to do for a fellow human being ❤️

Is there enough for her to pay any IHT and running costs etc? You need to leave cash in your estate to pay for all costs through to probate too including legal fees. If she won't be able to afford to run the flat and has to sell, she'll be in for a chunky CGT bill too. You should take proper inheritance planning advice.

I agree, my sister had to wrote a letter as part of her will.making process giving her reason not leaving money to some of her children and ot others. Plus hes not a blood relative so id feel less obliged.

OP I think that’s a lovely thing to do. Don’t tell her though. It’ll change the dynamic but you can tell her how much you appreciate her friendship. Also you need to speak to your Godson. You don’t need to tell him who will benefit, but just that he’s not to expect anything.

I think I’ve come to that conclusion too. I think the OP may have started the thread so that people would congratulate her on how wonderfully beneficent she is and having read all of her posts I have the nagging feeling too that all of this is more driven by how she wants to be viewed by others, even after her death.

I'd be loyal to my Godson, sorry.
You could leave everything to David but allow Kate to live in your flat paying rates, repairs and water but no rent, until her youngest child is 21 years, or similar.

Unless you have a sufficant sum of money apart from the flat,
Kate would need to sell your property as there will be a huge inhertitage bill?

The whole question is surely is a tacit acknowledgement that the promise was unwise.

I also get the sense that the deal is really a golden handcuff for Kate to move in with OP when she’s older and do her care.

OP is rightly considering her later years. But a more realistic perspective would be to tour care homes now while she can, and work out how to fund herself.

Which I think is payable immediately upon inheritance so she can’t wait for the flat to be sold to settle the bill.

As already mentioned of your flat is worth £500k then the bill is currently £70k.

Can you afford to leave her enough to cover inheritance tax, if this is applicable? The threshold is £325k. Anything over that amount is charged at 40%.

You’ve mentioned already that you’re pretty cash poor.

I suggest either a 50-50 split w/o discussion or you have a talk with David and gauge his reaction then if he reacts well go ahead and leave all to the young lady.

But leaving all to her w/o telling David is inadvisable. Even wealthy people get upset about things like this and he may feel you never loved him etc.

In other words it's not the money but what it represents to him. So have a face to face next time he visits and be honest then decide.

I think it's a very kind plan and hope he accepts it in the spirit you intend.

Dear god I honestly think some of you must be mean yourselves to think the worst of someone trying to rebalance someone's life to help them, when someone else is already beyond rolling in it.

David does not need my money. He has benefitted his entire life from my generosity and presence and guidance.
It will change Kate's life.

Fine, if it makes anyone feel better, it was a mistake to tell his mother I'd take care of him. It gave her comfort at the time though, so i don't really think it was a mistake. And I HAVE taken care of him, and he is measurably better off because of my help in the early adult years of his life. Kate had no such luck.

No, I don't have enough to pay IHT, so I guess she'll have to sell it. She can still get a place of her own from the proceeds, if she can't cover the bill herself. I am still open to leaving it to her kids so they get a better start in life, but will factor in stamp duty on first time buyers etc etc and discuss with some legal people the best way to help them all.

Kate has not made bad choices in life, she has had bad luck. I really am agog that people think my godson, who is vastly wealthy, should still inherit when it is only my friendship with his mother that got him that position. Kate has been there for me, supported me, been a kind friend. Sure, I may need my own money to live out my days in a nursing home. But I will be amending my will on the chance that I die between now and such a time, as these things happen.

I am not cash poor so much as not rolling in it enough to gift Kate anything sizeable now that would make enough of a difference to her situation.

I am not looking at Kate for wiping arse duties. I meant more as companionship and two women enjoying the benefit of friendship, reduced household bills whilst sharing, all of that.

I am leaving this thread now for good as many of you are just mean.

To those seeing that I am trying to make a difference to someone's life, and consequently the lives of her children, I am glad of your comments, thank you.
86% in the poll in favour of Kate, I am happy to see this.

I don’t think it’s mean to put forward the opposing point of view and to say that this change doesn’t paint you in a good light.

I also don’t think it’s mean to say that I suspected why you started this thread. You have sort of confirmed my suspicions though.

Anyway, name calling isn’t really my thing, especially on threads where we’re supposed to debated like adults.