Should I change my will?

[BigWillieStyIe]

Should I amend my will?

I do not have children, but have been godmother to David (name changed) for 45+ years. I told his mother before she passed that he was the benefactor of my estate when my time came.

David is doing extremely well for himself. He has married a woman from a reasonably wealthy background, they both have successful and financially rewarding careers. I know he inherted well from his mother, and his wife will inherit a decent sum unless it goes on care home fees etc.

I am not in the best of health, but not at deaths door, god willing, and should have a good ten-20 years more all being well.

I live in an affluent area in the penthouse in a block of flats, which i bought decades ago and through sheer good luck and property prices being what they are, is worth a tidy sum.

He does not need it, imo! I mean sure, it would be nice.

Conversely, there is a single mother, Kate, on one of the flats in my block raising two children in a tiny three-bed flat rental. She sleeps in the box room. She is unwell/disabled herself, and has been through a tough time. Her parents died and she will inherit nothing from anywhere else. She has no siblings, no help from anywhere. The father of her children is not on the scene. We talk, she is lovely company. She works but has little left over for anything as it all goes on rent and bills. She helps me out a lot with errands and is very kind. I have already told her in passing that my estate is going to my godson, she didn't bat an eyelid and continues to help me. It has been five years, so not a very recent friendship/neighbour.

I am now tempted to change my will to change her life. It will be so life-changing for her. It won't make much of a difference to my godson who is independently affluent. She can just move up here when I am gone, have more space, and some relief from the hard slog I know she goes through to pay her rent.

YANBU - change it to this single mum
YABU - stick with the godson

Discussing it with either of them is introducing an unnececessary element of psychodrama-and floating the idea to Kate that she could move in with you as your carer is selfish.Hace you considered that she might worry about it, or that David might worry that she is taking advantage of you?
This feels like you enjoy musing about your estate ahead of time, but I think you are playing a dangerous game.There should be no strings attached.Do what you actually want, then forget about it. You'll be dead. One or both of them will be better off as a result of your will.Job done.

I will explore my options re leaving it directly to her kids, yes, thanks. They'd obviously not be able to pay IHT though. so how would that work? I'd much prefer for them all to be able to stay in this home if that's what Kate wants.

I really don't like this suggestion. Kate's children would most likely benefit from it after her own death, so it's not really fair on Kate for her to not be the beneficiary, even more so if she moves in and cares for @BigWillieStyIe . OP could look into a clause or Trust to prevent a new partner from swindling half/all of it from her/her children.

From personal experience, my DH was written out of his parents Will (would have been a life changing amount), his Uncle who is even richer, is leaving a share to our children. Whilst DH & I are struggling with income loss that is out of our control and would massively benefit from even a small share of his wealth. My DH has been a good nephew and the Uncle has never even met our children (that's another story).

It just seems unfair to bypass the person who you actually have a good relationship with, and may leave her questioning your friendship, after your death.

What I would do is leave Kate your property, and some of the cash, then leave David a small token amount of the cash, with a letter explaining why. I'd also tell him beforehand what you're doing, but the letter that is held with a solicitor is needed in case he was to contest it, and claim Kate has manipulated you etc.

He is not a blood relative.

And no, as I have explained already, a deposit with half the value of my estate is NOT enough for her to get a property around here, I wish people would accept this as fact. Not with her age and earning power as it is.

None of those things are likely. I can only go by what is factual now.

He has two rentals already, they will NOT hit hard times if he and his wife divorce.

She could win the lottery, sure. But she has no wishes to marry, I know that for a fact. And I'd rather she have wealth/security in her name than be tied to a man, and all the issues that come with that.

I have not said how long I knew David's mother for. Perhaps I have actually known Kate longer! She is not 'random' any more than David's mother was 'random' when she and I first became friends.

Is it really 'my word' that I am honour-bound by, when it was made when D was early 20s and may have not ended up as well off as he has, decades have passed, D is thriving? I honestly think my friend would be happy he's fine without my money. And I have helped him in his youth, financially. It might not actually be unfair to say that because of some financial help I gave him in his early 20s, he was able to buy his first property before his peers, thus helping him make more money rather than renting, he saw his property value go up, mortgage repayments reduce. All these things have helped him. And Kate did not receive such help from anywhere.

So she says. That's what she's telling her older rich neighbour who lives in the penthouse. One person you know, the other person you don't (you just think you do).

The saviour complex is bad because it shows people there are saviours who will change their lives. What about when she next needs her life changing? Because bad things just keep happening to her. You won't be there.

You want your legacy to make a difference, leave it to a reputable charity that don't cream off the top.

Indeed I could. I could also die in a year or two.

I have not said how long I knew David's mother for. Perhaps I have actually known Kate longer! She is not 'random' any more than David's mother was 'random' when she and I first became friends.

Presumably longer than 5 years, if she died when David was in his early 20s and you knew her well enough to be named as his godmother, which is generally set at a relatively young age.

But it’s becoming clear you want to leave your money to Kate, so just do that. It’s not anyone else’s business.

She has told me a few things but I actually know from friends who knew her parents that she did not have a good start.

She believes D is set to inherit. I have not given her any indication that I might change my mind.

She needs ONE lucky break, and she'll be able to stop slogging away past retirement.

A charity might help several families, sure, but generally they are plasters over things that will perpetuate. One wow lump sum (or housing equivalent) will REALLY help someone like Kate.

Ok, good mathsing!

I adored his mother but she did not have many friends from whom to choose a godmother for him. There is a part of me that wonders too if she chose me because she knew I wouldn't have children of my own, and she knew I was ok for money, that consequently he would be. I am not saying this is definitely the case. But it's actually more likely to me that that is the case than it is that Kate is sniffing around hoping I'll leave her something in my will!

Well you seem to have made up your mind.

All I'd say is this:

1. Don't leave any nasty shocks. If this is your plan, then tell your godson.
2. Don't feel in too much of a rush. Things can change even if they seem unlikely to now.
3. Don't feel wholly responsible for this lady. She doesn't appear to expect this of you. There are other ways in which she may feel she has self-worth / happiness etc that are not tied to money or inheritance. Consequently, while life-changingly generous, it may not actually be received as you believe. Sometimes people resent it when it seems as if someone thought they needed rescuing.

There are many different ways in which you can touch people and do good through your will. Ultimately it is your estate and your choice. Just try not to hurt people along the way.

If she is on benefits they will cease if she inherits. Why not give her yoyr property and a little cash and rest to godson. Does Godson keep in touch/support you?

I don’t know the negative Nancy in me says she knows you are minted and if you where already willing to leave your estate to a non relative maybe she can work her way in and clearly she is.

Id split it at most. 50% of a pent house money is still big for someone in Kate’s position and all for what? Being friends with an older neighbour 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wouldn’t be the first or last time a younger person makes friends with an older person holding to inherit.

I really don't understand what I have done wrong in wanting to help.

I knew it made my friend less scared for her son knowing I was around when she passed, and that I'd take care of him, I guess "if he needed it" was left unsaid. He did het my help during his early and mid twenties, too, both financially and in other ways.

What is so bad in wanting to level the playing field a bit to a woman who has been dealt a bad hand? I am not out there telling anyone and everyone what I am planning. This is all anonymous. I am not being performative. I am quiet and reserved in real life, this is simply something I am looking at now I know someone could do wit a leg up, and my godson doesn't need such help.

I do not wish to divulge her financial status re UC or HB but surely if she has my home as her home, those won't apply, so no problem!

He keeps in touch sporadically, but lives a long way away, so no support, no.

Ok, fair if you think that. I am not a gullible old fool, I really think she is a sweet woman and not trying it on. I have known her for five years and she has helped me enormously. I enjoy a relationship with her children, they brighten my day. She has invited me for Christmases.

I am not hearing any such things said about David who 'maybe is only keeping in touch with his dead mother's friend because he knows he is set to inherit'? Right?

This whole thread feels a little misogynistic and off.

I have stated that D has had multiple examples of help, an inheritance fro both parents, has had help throughout university giving him that advantage that poor kids who have to work don't get as much time to study for their degree, he had help getting his first home etc etc. And he has married into reasonable wealth too. They run a two-parent home on two high incomes.

Vs Kate who has had poor parents, deaths of both parents at a young age, no financial help from anywhere, is a single mum living in a tiny flat and has taken the box room.

Yet people want to vilify Kate and reward David, just because of something I said to his mother 20 odd years ago.

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Thank you for your input. I am going away with things to think about re how best to do this for all concerned, especially the idea of leaving my property to her children, which I'll need to research.

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

I think you can still give some to your godson and this will assuage any guilt you may feel but I’d say, Kate

Sorry, second post reply to this comment.:

"Id split it at most. 50% of a pent house money is still big for someone in Kate’s position and all for what? Being friends with an older neighbour 🤷🏻‍♀️"

Likewise you could have said:
Id split it at most. 50% of a pent house money is still big for someone in David’s position and all for what? Being the son of someone who was friends with the OP 20+ years ago 🤷🏻‍♀️"

We could 'argue" that David has done nothing to 'earn' this gift, whereas Kate has put time, effort and care into being a great neighbour, a kind friend, to a woman who values those things.

Much as I think changing your will in favour of someone who’d really benefit from your estate is the way to go, given that David is sitting pretty and Kate has given you valuable companionship, I cannot imagine what circs there could have been for you to have talked about your will to her! I find that pretty alarming.

Also, since when are godparents expected to be sources of wealth when they die? I mean to say surely it’s accepted that a godmother might well leave her pile to the Battersea Dogs’ Home, and she’d not be criticised for it.

We are not owed money under people’s wills, including our own parents’, even.
I’m rather taken aback by the level here of unbending expectation of adherence to some rule Im not aware of, which compels a person to act against her own wishes, to avoid causing someone else a financial disappointment.
I think this is pretty lousy!

I’m not saying I’d leave it to David either but if the options are only those two I’d split it.

Otherwise I’d personally split it between things like women’s hostels, domestic violence charities, a genuine local children’s charity. The local soup kitchen.

Help many.

Then she does part rent /part buy

and If lucky uc may pay towards rent

If you think about the best way to help your friend it’s needed during the next 10 years while her children are dependent. Could you release somehow enough money to put a decent deposit on a bigger home? And that was the guarantor for her mortgage if necessary. This way you would avoid inheritance tax. You could still leave whatever is left to your promised person. Or not leave making your world for another five years till things are more settled

Yeah, good point.

Also Kate would be tied to that flat to avoid being back in the rental trap. If she says there the children will loose out in the short term as they will loose the 1st time buyer benefits such as a higher starting point of where stamp duty is paid. Any use of a LISA or whatever equivalent account is available then. If children are to be left anything it needs to be in cash that they can use and access as soon as they need it.

Also if they have to pay inheritance tax then the flat would have to be sold straight away. Kate can't get a mortgage on a flat to cover that if she has no stake in it