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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I change my will?

203 replies

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:11

Should I amend my will?

I do not have children, but have been godmother to David (name changed) for 45+ years. I told his mother before she passed that he was the benefactor of my estate when my time came.

David is doing extremely well for himself. He has married a woman from a reasonably wealthy background, they both have successful and financially rewarding careers. I know he inherted well from his mother, and his wife will inherit a decent sum unless it goes on care home fees etc.

I am not in the best of health, but not at deaths door, god willing, and should have a good ten-20 years more all being well.

I live in an affluent area in the penthouse in a block of flats, which i bought decades ago and through sheer good luck and property prices being what they are, is worth a tidy sum.

He does not need it, imo! I mean sure, it would be nice.

Conversely, there is a single mother, Kate, on one of the flats in my block raising two children in a tiny three-bed flat rental. She sleeps in the box room. She is unwell/disabled herself, and has been through a tough time. Her parents died and she will inherit nothing from anywhere else. She has no siblings, no help from anywhere. The father of her children is not on the scene. We talk, she is lovely company. She works but has little left over for anything as it all goes on rent and bills. She helps me out a lot with errands and is very kind. I have already told her in passing that my estate is going to my godson, she didn't bat an eyelid and continues to help me. It has been five years, so not a very recent friendship/neighbour.

I am now tempted to change my will to change her life. It will be so life-changing for her. It won't make much of a difference to my godson who is independently affluent. She can just move up here when I am gone, have more space, and some relief from the hard slog I know she goes through to pay her rent.

YANBU - change it to this single mum
YABU - stick with the godson

OP posts:
MsGreying · 05/07/2026 16:33

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:42

Fair enough. If that person was being genuine, but surely if Kate inherits my home she wouldn't need to be on any sort of housing benefit, right?! I am not saying she is on HB, btw.

Leave the property to live in but not own. It can revert to David after a suitable time.

Complicated as a flat can have large maintenance costs..

RealMember · 05/07/2026 16:37

I would leave it all to Kate and tell godson in advance like you're planning to. You sound like a very kind person and so does Kate.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 05/07/2026 16:39

Bear in mind their current situations could change dramatically - David could lose his job, get divorced and hit hard times. Your neighbour could marry a millionaire or win the lottery.....

firstofallimadelight · 05/07/2026 16:40

I would and I’d leave him a letter explaining your choices. I wouldn’t tell her (in case you change your mind)

anyolddinosaur · 05/07/2026 16:40

You may have 10 or 20 years left but not that many years in which you can change your will without it being suggested that you were not in your right mind or that Kate coerced you. So if it's what you want to do I suggest you go ahead. If possible leave your godson something, Kate can take out a small mortgage if she needs to pay inheritance tax or sell and buy a smaller flat. But you dont want to leave her too much of a headache with a possibly contested will.

If Kate is disabled and on a low wage then she probably is in receipt of some form of benefit and then leaving people cash helps the public purse by taking her off benefits for a time but she'll go back on them later. You could leave her a life interest in staying in the flat but leave it to David - you've helped Kate but still kept your promise.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 05/07/2026 16:40

@BigWillieStyIe You are breaking your word though aren’t you? You didn’t have to say anything and now prefer a random person who you cannot have known for long. It’s very odd to do that.

HolidayHelp2 · 05/07/2026 16:43

I think it could be she lives there rent free until children are X years old as an option

Onmytod24 · 05/07/2026 16:49

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:22

I have thought about this. I should have said.

If I leave them half each, it is not enough for her to own a property elsewhere - not for the next 10+ years whilst her children are tied to the area because of school, anyway. She will therefore be stuck renting. I want to help get her out of renting, really,. Half my estate actually won't cut it!

This is all ridiculous. You say you’re probably be around for the next 20 years. Her children will be grown up and left home by then. It’s a problem You don’t actually have put it to bed for a couple of years and then rethink.

AnonyMumAuDHD · 05/07/2026 16:56

You can leave your money to whoever you wish to. You are not obliged to leave your wordly gifts to your godson based on an intention expressed to his late mother 2-3 decades ago - and which GS is probably oblivious as I doubt she ever mentioned it before her early passing.

You should leave them in a way that gives you pleasure and if that involves looking after this mother and her children, or even leaving it to a charity, it is entirely up to you.

MrRydersParlourGame · 05/07/2026 16:58

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 15:32

Yes, I wasn't planning on telling her, it would feel weird.

i am becoming interested in how so many people are keen for David, who is already very wealthy, to inherit, just by dint of me being friends with his mother decades ago, really, whereas Kate who I am directly friends with, and have been for five years. who had a tough start in life and some other bad luck (relationships/health) is not being thought of as so worthy.

I just have to challenge this, because people are not saying he should inherit "just by dint of me being friends with his mother decades ago." That is disingenuous.

The question is whether you should go back on your word and expectations that you yourself have actively raised in someone.

To be blunt - this is a situation entirely of your own making (by grandly announcing to a dying woman years ago that their child will inferior from you) and it's a bit much to try to absolve yourself of responsibility for it by implying that the only reason other people would conclude that you should keep your word is because they are not as virtuous as you.

Obviously you can do whatever you like, and it may be that your godson is sanguine about your decision (perhaps already assuming that your estate might have been eaten up in care fees, or even thinking that your are a bit flighty in general and your word is not to be relied on - I don't know if this is typical).

But if he is in fact hurt and surprised, I hope you remember that that would be a pretty natural consequence of you choosing to go back on your word (however good you think the reason) rather than twisting it to be some horrible reflection on him as a person (to absolve you of feeling or looking bad for being a bit flaky).

As a general observation, the first promise seems to have been prompted by wishing to be seen as a noble rescuer of a young man losing his mother and this latest also prompted by wishing to be seen as noble rescuer of a struggling single mother. Is there something abit performative about all of this? Perhaps not, and I hope not, but worth a bit of self-interrogation.

wojono · 05/07/2026 16:58

I like to think so. I actually made some noises that once her kids have grown up and flown the nest she could move in and take care of me, and she seemed open to it. Because living with me would be cheaper and easier for her than having to work past retirement age. And even if not, she has been really helpful and kind these past few years, especially during my spell of bad health.

This is ridiculous.
In fact the whole thing is ridiculous. You could live another 20 years. She might have disappeared off into the sunset by then.

Genevieva · 05/07/2026 17:04

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:22

I have thought about this. I should have said.

If I leave them half each, it is not enough for her to own a property elsewhere - not for the next 10+ years whilst her children are tied to the area because of school, anyway. She will therefore be stuck renting. I want to help get her out of renting, really,. Half my estate actually won't cut it!

Not necessarily. A deposit of half the value of your estate would probably be enough for her to get a modest mortgage that is less than she currently pays in rent for a property that is not a penthouse.

You can also consider other splits like 60:40 in her favour if that makes a difference.

Is your godson also a blood relative, or just the son of a friend?

Pessismistic · 05/07/2026 17:07

Hi Op what’s the age gap between you and Kate? I think you have to consider Kate might leave one day and not help out in the future. She could marry a wealthy man and won’t need your money. I would consider leaving the will as it is and ask David to give her some money or ask him if he would let her live there rent free until she passes away. Otherwise he will likely sell it and have a load of cash he doesn’t need or he may end up in a position where he too needs the property no one can see into the future but technically you would be going back on your word.

Stuckforlong · 05/07/2026 17:14

Speak to your godson first , 20/80 spilt I don’t agree with . 50/50 yes I’ve learnt over the years anything could happen , Kate could herself be in a much better financial position I.e work , spouse etc in the next . And of course something could happen with Godson and his position career etc no one knows what the future holds

Viviennemary · 05/07/2026 17:16

thejelliclecats · 05/07/2026 14:22

Can't you split it between them?

That seems the best option. But bear in mind she will lose any means tested benefits she claims. A

Kpo58 · 05/07/2026 17:23

I wouldn't leave anything to Kate as it will affect her benefits and could make her worse off long term, however it might be worth leaving something to her children so that they can afford to go to uni/learn a trade/have a house deposit.

As you said that Kate is an older parent, then it's possible that once her kids have moved home that she could move into an over 55s accommodation which would have a very low rent.

Jollyhockeystickss · 05/07/2026 17:30

Its your money however she will 100% at some point get married and lets say you then leave her your money then that money belongs to both of them, and if they divorce this man gets half your money and walk away scott free,.

ProudCat · 05/07/2026 17:34

Some would argue that Kate is struggling because of the decisions that Kate has made. She would still make shitty decisions with your money. Whereas David has shown that he is trustworthy and would make good decisions, including helping many Kates, with any money you give him.

How big is your saviour complex?

ExplodingSmittens · 05/07/2026 17:34

If it were me I’d leave a small sum to Kate, maybe a couple of grand and still leave the rest to your DGS. He’s been in your life a lot longer and you did promise his DM.

Anything could happen to Kate, she could find a home in a different city and you might lose touch, she could get married or get a better job. I think a small sum to show your appreciation is fine but I wouldn’t make her the main beneficiary.

Negroany · 05/07/2026 17:35

Jollyhockeystickss · 05/07/2026 17:30

Its your money however she will 100% at some point get married and lets say you then leave her your money then that money belongs to both of them, and if they divorce this man gets half your money and walk away scott free,.

Well, there's no "she will 100% get married" is there, so that's daft.

Also, if she has money, that might be the reason she doesn't get married.

And, if you have an inheritance pre marriage and the funds are never shared, nor used to biy the marital home, it's not a given that the spouse will get 50% on divorce at all. Not to mention the fact she may have simply spent it by then, or have a pre nup.

Wowthatwasabigstep · 05/07/2026 17:36

If you leave the flat to Kate there will be an inheritance tax consideration for your Estate.

In the first instance I would speak to your solicitor and explore the options.

If you do decide to leave it to Kate I would also have a letter of wishes or a memorandum of wishes to minimises claim under the 1975 Inheritance Act by David. David’s financial position might not be all it appears and he is making decisions in real expectation of a significant inheritance from you - promissory estoppel.

Consideration would also have to be given to the implications of an inheritance if she is in receipt of any benefits which if she is a low earner and disabled as you have detailed is a possibility.

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 17:36

Jollyhockeystickss · 05/07/2026 17:30

Its your money however she will 100% at some point get married and lets say you then leave her your money then that money belongs to both of them, and if they divorce this man gets half your money and walk away scott free,.

100% get married? Why on earth would you think this? There is imo far more likely to be zero likelihood of that, HOWEVER, you raise a good point and perhaps I will look at how to earmark it for her children so that there's no chance of a random man walking away with half.

OP posts:
Oohanothername · 05/07/2026 17:38

..

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 17:40

ProudCat · 05/07/2026 17:34

Some would argue that Kate is struggling because of the decisions that Kate has made. She would still make shitty decisions with your money. Whereas David has shown that he is trustworthy and would make good decisions, including helping many Kates, with any money you give him.

How big is your saviour complex?

She has not made bad decisions, she has had bad things happen to her. She did not have a good start, unlike David, apart from the early death of his mother ,which she also went through, actually at a younger age. David has benefited from my guidance, from some financial help from me through university meaning he didn't need to get a part time job leaving him free to study. Kate worked two job on top of university, and nursed her father through ill health some time in the middle of all that.
I do not wish to go in to her life story or his, but I feel like I know enough to feel that she's been through tough times and deserves a break

I don't think I have a saviour complex. And what's so bad if I do? I'll be dead, and a single mum will have had some help from somewhere for the first time in her adult life.

David is no more trustworthy, he just had more help from adults in his younger years.

OP posts:
BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 17:44

ExplodingSmittens · 05/07/2026 17:34

If it were me I’d leave a small sum to Kate, maybe a couple of grand and still leave the rest to your DGS. He’s been in your life a lot longer and you did promise his DM.

Anything could happen to Kate, she could find a home in a different city and you might lose touch, she could get married or get a better job. I think a small sum to show your appreciation is fine but I wouldn’t make her the main beneficiary.

Of course, but this is if I die in the next now to I don't know, ten years, whilst her kids are still kids, and I know she's not in a great place. I can always revisit in five years or change my mind, can't I!

If she marries well or lands a great job, good for her. But right now, she is struggling, and I know my estate would be a godsend. David does not need it, if he keeps it at all he'd just add it to his property portfolio and the rental cycle for some other poor sucker goes on.

DGS has been in my life through his luck of birth. I could end up having a longer friendship with Kate than I did with his mother.

OP posts:
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