Should I change my will?

[BigWillieStyIe]

Should I amend my will?

I do not have children, but have been godmother to David (name changed) for 45+ years. I told his mother before she passed that he was the benefactor of my estate when my time came.

David is doing extremely well for himself. He has married a woman from a reasonably wealthy background, they both have successful and financially rewarding careers. I know he inherted well from his mother, and his wife will inherit a decent sum unless it goes on care home fees etc.

I am not in the best of health, but not at deaths door, god willing, and should have a good ten-20 years more all being well.

I live in an affluent area in the penthouse in a block of flats, which i bought decades ago and through sheer good luck and property prices being what they are, is worth a tidy sum.

He does not need it, imo! I mean sure, it would be nice.

Conversely, there is a single mother, Kate, on one of the flats in my block raising two children in a tiny three-bed flat rental. She sleeps in the box room. She is unwell/disabled herself, and has been through a tough time. Her parents died and she will inherit nothing from anywhere else. She has no siblings, no help from anywhere. The father of her children is not on the scene. We talk, she is lovely company. She works but has little left over for anything as it all goes on rent and bills. She helps me out a lot with errands and is very kind. I have already told her in passing that my estate is going to my godson, she didn't bat an eyelid and continues to help me. It has been five years, so not a very recent friendship/neighbour.

I am now tempted to change my will to change her life. It will be so life-changing for her. It won't make much of a difference to my godson who is independently affluent. She can just move up here when I am gone, have more space, and some relief from the hard slog I know she goes through to pay her rent.

YANBU - change it to this single mum
YABU - stick with the godson

Yes, I wasn't planning on telling her, it would feel weird.

i am becoming interested in how so many people are keen for David, who is already very wealthy, to inherit, just by dint of me being friends with his mother decades ago, really, whereas Kate who I am directly friends with, and have been for five years. who had a tough start in life and some other bad luck (relationships/health) is not being thought of as so worthy.

Not at all, most definitely not. Because I have not decided that for certain. And even if I do, I don't want her to feel beholden to helping me in any way. Not at this stage. Can reassess in ten years if I am still going and she has continued to be a kind, caring neighbour/friend.

I have some assets, but depending on the price of the house when I go, and whether I've gone through those assets by then, who knows! She'll have to deal with that. Her income is enough to pay rent. My bills are considerably less. She could even get a lodger in once the kids have left home.

I will clearly discuss everything with David. He is a good soul and knows he has landed on his feet in his life. I would expect him to do the right thing and not expect an inheritance when he is in no need of it whereas it would change Kate's life.

I have visions of one of Kate's daughters marrying David's son and all being tidied up in due course, haha.

I think it would be nice to leave to both. David may know what the current will is and wonder what he's done if he gets nothing.

My will has a bequest to a long time friend. She did something life changing for me and I felt she could use the money. However things have very much changed between us and I'll be changing my will and she won't be inheriting now.

I would explain he has done nothing wrong, but has landed on his feet with his business/earnings/houses/wife/father's inheritance/In-laws' potential inheritance.

Vs Kate who has absolutely none of the above.

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Thanks for all the input. I am signing off for the afternoon.
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No. That sounds dreadful tbh. Kate has her own family, and will have possibly GC, another partner. The fact you say you can’t ’rely’ on David speaks volumes. Maybe it’s just me.

Why have you been discussing your estate at all with Kate, @BigWillieStyIe?

How can you be sure that your godson won't develop an illness or have an accident? Or need to evacuate for reasons of war or climate disaster, terrorism or flooding? More positively, he might plan to do charitable work in your name or for its own sake. Life is full of unforeseeables.

Have you kept up the spiritual and moral support and involvement in life as is a godparent's duty?

Kate sounds like a charity case of convenience and a character in a fairy tale you want to write. Being in rental isn't necessarily being trapped. You don't need to teleport her entirely out of her life. You don't even know if she will stay single.

Please find alternative support and also check in with your GP. Why such radical decisionmaking and secrecy?

Kate is all well and good but do not become dependent or enmeshed.

You could do both while honouring your promise?

You could make a lifetime gift to the single mother at a time she might need it most (now) and then leave your reduced estate to your godson.

Obviously this only works if you have available assets excess to your needs in addition to your apartment.

However I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry to do anything. You may have 20 years plus to go so a lot can happen in that time. Kate may step up in your life as you age and become more important to you. Equally life may take its course and she may fade from your life and your godson may take on the mantle.

Don't do anything rashly.

I'm sure this has been posted recently. You can't buy people's time or love, OP. Especially when the dangled reward is in some potentially non-existent future.

Work on making connections with people which don't depend on your assets.

Personally I don't think changing your mind would be disrespectful to David's mum, you offered to make sure her (very young to be loosing his parents) son was cared for, you've done that. He sounds like he's good.

One thing to think about is that if she is a single mum getting benefits
if you leave her cash that could fuck up her benefits

if you leave her the house/ apartment make sure your will is water tight and leave letters explaining why you are doing this

Why not plan on moving closer to David as you age? How much of a godmother have you been to him?

And don't rely on unpaid labour aka 'friendship' from neighbours plus hints they'll be rewarded when you die.

It's also awful to talk of David's father dying later than his mother as if that balances out the early loss. It doesn't.

Speak to a financial advisor. Make a plan for paid care and errands run. Don't buy affection.

If, after David's mum passed away, you had eventually had children of your own (I assume there may have been some reason you thought that wouldn't happen, since you presumably considered that when you made this promise to David's mum, but let's consider for the sake of argument that you might have had children), wouldn't you have changed your will to include your children? Or would you have disinherited your own children to ensure you could keep your promise to David's mum? What if you had married someone who had children? Would you remain at arms-length with them so that your money could go to David?

I think the core of your promise to David's mother was that you would ensure David would have your support to enable him to be ok despite no longer having his mother around. And you did that. He is OK. In fact, he is great. Now he doesn't need that money any more (although more money is always nice, I'm sure). To me, the situation is different now and therefore your promise to his mother is not binding in the same way.

Culturally, you seem to be thinking of a deathbed promise as an unbreakable contract. But, unlike a normal contract, you presumably didn't benefit in any way from promising David's mother to bequeath him all your worldly possessions when you die. It's not really binding in a contractual way, is what I'm saying. In other words, it's OK for you to think about this in terms of identifying what is the core of your promise to his mother, which is (or, IMO, should be) more of an emotional thing than 100% of your remaining earthly possessions.

IMO it's ok to change your will, probably not to disinherit David altogether, but to reduce the bequest below 100%. Just be judicious about it. You've known this woman for 5 years. That's not a long time in the grand scheme of things. There are lots of needy people out there. I'm sure many of them have a very sad story. I would be careful.

100% leave everything to Kate. But make sure she’ll be able to manage any inheritance tax?

Its your money so do as you please. Id maybe split it or leave her your home and him your money.

Its completely up to you. Although id almost certainly amend it to leave her something

You can leave your assets to multiple people.

I would stick with your godson rather than some woman who you will more than likely not be in touch with by the time you die.

I understand your dilemma and think you're trying to do a good deed but a lot can change in a few years nevermind 10-20. I'm sure most of us have had intense friendships with people in our lives who we don't even have phone numbers or addresses for now.

If you do live for another 10-20 years there's a good chance Kate won't even be in your life. Once her children grow up and move on how likely is she to stay in the same area giving how expensive it is? The landlord may sell and she may have to move on. If Kate (for whatever reason) moved across town tomorrow how likely is she to keep up this friendship with you and help you with errands? The likelihood is that you would drift apart. This is not a slight on Kate just the reality of life.

It sounds like you offer each other companionship that suits you both for now. This could change in an instant for many reasons and would no longer suit Kate to help you/spend time with you.

Would leaving half not be a hefty deposit on a flat of her own? Or help put the kids through uni or help them out more later on?

It's a lovely thing to think of her, but I'd share it. That way you keep your word to your friend.

This.

If this is real, it's awful to go back on your word to your friend. And he is your godson! Unless he's done something awful, betraying your friend like this, just because she's not here to say anything, is really wrong. And you don't know he's not going to be struggling and need it in the future. Saying he's not as needy as her-well why do any of us leave money to our kids? There's more needy people in the world, aren't there?
Sounds like you've made up your mind though. But it really surprises me that people who say they're religious would go back on their word to the person that made them a godmum.

Partly this. No point expecting your flat to go to Kate if she has to sell it to cover inheritance tax.

In your position I think I’d be inclined to split it 50/50, it will still be life-enhancing for Kate, her kids won’t be living at home forever, she could move somewhere more affordable. You’ve already said that you will provide for David, whether he needs it or not, it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to exclude him completely.

Kate might be hit for inheritance tax, she might not be able to afford to keep your flat. Perhaps you could leave her a share of the flat with a life time residency and leave money for maintenance of the flat, management fees and so on. Talk to someone who's am expert in these matters.

Give the majority of your estate to the single mum and leave a bequest to your godson. You are right, it will transform the life of the single mum and that your godson does not need your help