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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I change my will?

203 replies

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:11

Should I amend my will?

I do not have children, but have been godmother to David (name changed) for 45+ years. I told his mother before she passed that he was the benefactor of my estate when my time came.

David is doing extremely well for himself. He has married a woman from a reasonably wealthy background, they both have successful and financially rewarding careers. I know he inherted well from his mother, and his wife will inherit a decent sum unless it goes on care home fees etc.

I am not in the best of health, but not at deaths door, god willing, and should have a good ten-20 years more all being well.

I live in an affluent area in the penthouse in a block of flats, which i bought decades ago and through sheer good luck and property prices being what they are, is worth a tidy sum.

He does not need it, imo! I mean sure, it would be nice.

Conversely, there is a single mother, Kate, on one of the flats in my block raising two children in a tiny three-bed flat rental. She sleeps in the box room. She is unwell/disabled herself, and has been through a tough time. Her parents died and she will inherit nothing from anywhere else. She has no siblings, no help from anywhere. The father of her children is not on the scene. We talk, she is lovely company. She works but has little left over for anything as it all goes on rent and bills. She helps me out a lot with errands and is very kind. I have already told her in passing that my estate is going to my godson, she didn't bat an eyelid and continues to help me. It has been five years, so not a very recent friendship/neighbour.

I am now tempted to change my will to change her life. It will be so life-changing for her. It won't make much of a difference to my godson who is independently affluent. She can just move up here when I am gone, have more space, and some relief from the hard slog I know she goes through to pay her rent.

YANBU - change it to this single mum
YABU - stick with the godson

OP posts:
BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:35

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 05/07/2026 14:30

Can she afford to live in it? My BiL is being left his parents’ house (he lives with them), but it’s not a sensible move because he doesn’t earn enough to run a big 4 bed house on his own.

Could you leave one of them money and the other a home?

I think you should warn him, when you’ve decided. You could say you’re thinking of leaving it to charity, which would also be reasonable. It’s easy to think we know about other people’s lives, but he could have something going on you are unaware of. For example, a huge school fee debt, a child with a disability, or a life limiting illness that impacts the family’s future. None of which would be your responsibility, but do check their situation.

If she didn't have to pay rent, I expect her earnings could cover bills. It's a modest three-bed penthouse, third bedroom is not a boxroom like hers is, it's a much better space, but not massive.

I will of course tell David in advance. I am just working out if I should even do this and what the general consensus is.

He is financially savvy, I think it is a fair assumption that he has life insurance etc. Kate on the other hand has had a run of really bad luck.

OP posts:
AbzMoz · 05/07/2026 14:36

You should update your will however you see fit, whenever you see fit, to benefit whoever you see fit.

KojaksLollipop · 05/07/2026 14:37

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 05/07/2026 14:30

Can she afford to live in it? My BiL is being left his parents’ house (he lives with them), but it’s not a sensible move because he doesn’t earn enough to run a big 4 bed house on his own.

Could you leave one of them money and the other a home?

I think you should warn him, when you’ve decided. You could say you’re thinking of leaving it to charity, which would also be reasonable. It’s easy to think we know about other people’s lives, but he could have something going on you are unaware of. For example, a huge school fee debt, a child with a disability, or a life limiting illness that impacts the family’s future. None of which would be your responsibility, but do check their situation.

People don’t usually leave their home to someone expecting them to live there, unless it’s some kind of long standing family home. They’re very much expected to sell up and buy what suits them best.

I’d leave a nominal sum to my godson and the rest to the young mum, the one who helps you. If circumstances change, then it’s perfectly ok to change it back, or change it altogether.

Twasasurprise · 05/07/2026 14:38

I think you are not wrong to want to change your will. Will you tell Kate? Do you have a trusted executor?

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:39

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 05/07/2026 14:32

Actually 50:50 will still be a life changing amount for her. Assuming it isn’t just enough to scupper her housing benefit!

Whilst I do not know the ins and outs of her finances, I do know she has to juggle things very carefully. I also know what her rent was when she took on the tenancy as I saw it advertised back then. It has likely gone up.
I know the property prices here. She will not get out of renting with only half of the value of my place. I do not believe she is young enough for the kind of mortgage it would require, nor high-earning enough. I do not know everything about her finances but I feel I am right on this.

There is absolutely no need for the housing benefit comment. Get away with yourself.

OP posts:
CallNatasha · 05/07/2026 14:40

Whatever you do, I wouldn't tell your friend that you are leaving her your flat. It's not really helpful information to her now given that you could live 20 years and it's potentially just another hostage to fortune- maybe her life will turn around in the next 20 years and you'll think of someone else to leave it to, in which case you've got the same problem again.

Generally I think it's a bad idea to dangle inheritances over people's heads- it changes the relationship- and for all you know you'll end up in a care home and there won't be anything to inherit. If your godson thinks he's inheriting, correct that but then stop talking to people about it. Also if this were an Agatha Christie novel somebody would bump you off 😂

JuliettaCaeser · 05/07/2026 14:40

20% to him 80% to her. Job done.

AlcoholicAntibiotic · 05/07/2026 14:40

There is absolutely no need for the housing benefit comment. Get away with yourself.

That’s a bit out of order. I don’t think that poster was making a dig - it is a potential consideration

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:40

85% saying to change it, interesting, thanks.

I do have an executor, yes.

And I would hope she would choose to stay in the apartment rather than sell it. I'd feel happy thinking about that, rather than gifting it to David who is settled where he has relocated and will not move back here.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 05/07/2026 14:41

Do you think you and Kate will still be friends or even in touch with each other in 20 years?

JuliettaCaeser · 05/07/2026 14:41

Also it may all be gone in care!

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 05/07/2026 14:41

If you are on your own, and I mean this kindly, there may well not be an actual home to bequeath in so much as her being able to live in it, because you may end up in a care home and have to sell to pay fees (based on saying you have the asset but are not cash rich, so assuming you don’t have the cash to pay for care).

Would the value also attract inheritance tax?

It is a lovely idea but from a practical POV she may not be able to actually live in it anyway.

If David remains in contact with you, I would split the value between them, on the basis that it’s likely the home will have to be sold anyway.

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:42

AlcoholicAntibiotic · 05/07/2026 14:40

There is absolutely no need for the housing benefit comment. Get away with yourself.

That’s a bit out of order. I don’t think that poster was making a dig - it is a potential consideration

Fair enough. If that person was being genuine, but surely if Kate inherits my home she wouldn't need to be on any sort of housing benefit, right?! I am not saying she is on HB, btw.

OP posts:
Aluna · 05/07/2026 14:43

It would be so weird to tell David anything. Just because you told his mum something 20 years ago doesn’t mean a thing. She’s unlikely to have told him anyway. It’s not like you’re a blood relation.

My godmother recently died and left me £3000 - very grateful I was too, and chuffed that she thought of me, but I don’t need more than that.

Leave your money to whom you like. You don’t owe anyone explanations.

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:44

WallaceinAnderland · 05/07/2026 14:41

Do you think you and Kate will still be friends or even in touch with each other in 20 years?

I like to think so. I actually made some noises that once her kids have grown up and flown the nest she could move in and take care of me, and she seemed open to it. Because living with me would be cheaper and easier for her than having to work past retirement age. And even if not, she has been really helpful and kind these past few years, especially during my spell of bad health.

Btw, she is not a 'young mum'. She had her children quite late in life, hence not being young enough to take on a length mortgage.

OP posts:
Mosaic80 · 05/07/2026 14:46

Leave it to Kate maybe with a token amount to David if possible.

Aluna · 05/07/2026 14:48

@BigWillieStyIe I actually made some noises that once her kids have grown up and flown the nest she could move in and take care of me, and she seemed open to it. Because living with me would be cheaper and easier for her than having to work past retirement age.

You’ve lost me there OP why the hell would she want to do that?

Living with an old person is never cheap or easy - it’s back-breakingly exhausting and expensive both in terms of time and money.

Kate will need to continue earning for her pension.

knottywig · 05/07/2026 14:49

Personally I would will it to the children with her having the option to live in property until her death. That way she gets benefit from it as do the kids and you know they are looked after in the future and in case she ends up in a relationship with someone down the line that fleeces her/ marries her and then takes half of it.

BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:50

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 05/07/2026 14:41

If you are on your own, and I mean this kindly, there may well not be an actual home to bequeath in so much as her being able to live in it, because you may end up in a care home and have to sell to pay fees (based on saying you have the asset but are not cash rich, so assuming you don’t have the cash to pay for care).

Would the value also attract inheritance tax?

It is a lovely idea but from a practical POV she may not be able to actually live in it anyway.

If David remains in contact with you, I would split the value between them, on the basis that it’s likely the home will have to be sold anyway.

Yes, of course. I just meant IF I had anything to leave, should I go back on my word to David's mum all those years ago, or do I change because of him doing just fine. BTW, if he hadn't turned out well financially, I would still honour my word to his mum. It's only because I really don't think he needs a penny that I started to think I'd like to gift it to someone for whom it would be lifechanging.

Yes, IHT could well be an issue. That would be up to Kate to solve, depending on when I go, the ultimate value of my place, and what else I have tied up elsewhere, it may well be that she can't afford to keep this apartment, sadly. But she'd then come away with enough to get a modest place within the area, in her name, and out of renting.

OP posts:
BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:50

knottywig · 05/07/2026 14:49

Personally I would will it to the children with her having the option to live in property until her death. That way she gets benefit from it as do the kids and you know they are looked after in the future and in case she ends up in a relationship with someone down the line that fleeces her/ marries her and then takes half of it.

See this is why I posted, this is a GREAT idea, thank you!
I shall look into any repercussions of this.

OP posts:
BigWillieStyIe · 05/07/2026 14:52

Aluna · 05/07/2026 14:48

@BigWillieStyIe I actually made some noises that once her kids have grown up and flown the nest she could move in and take care of me, and she seemed open to it. Because living with me would be cheaper and easier for her than having to work past retirement age.

You’ve lost me there OP why the hell would she want to do that?

Living with an old person is never cheap or easy - it’s back-breakingly exhausting and expensive both in terms of time and money.

Kate will need to continue earning for her pension.

Edited

Oh she might not, but it depends on various factors. I might just need errands running and prefer some company in my old age.

ETA: also I said 'work PAST retirement age'. She'll still have to work to pay the rent, won't she.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 05/07/2026 14:53

When you write a will you don’t normally mention actual property, as you don’t know what you’ll own when you die. So if you say ‘I leave penthouse to Kate’ but there is no penthouse, then what happens then?
So I’d say something like ‘I leave 80% of my estate Kate and 20% to godson’. Or whatever.

chipsandpeas · 05/07/2026 14:53

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 05/07/2026 14:33

To avoid contesting the will etc.

I'd leave him a nominal amount like £20k "to have the holiday of a lifetime" and explain he has done exceptional well for himself you are v proud yadda yadda....and give the rest to Kate.

why would someone who isnt related to the OP and NOT financially dependant on her contest the will??

Negroany · 05/07/2026 14:54

Leave it to whoever you want, obviously. I double David's mother will haunt you.

I'd give them half each myself.

Monty36 · 05/07/2026 14:56

You cannot assume peoples circumstances remain the same. Kate may meet someone well off. Or inherit unexpectedly. Your godson might get divorced and lose his home.

Leave money to people not based on their circumstances but because you would like to because of who they are.

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