AIBU to worry my retired parents never want to go out?

[Bluebell12378]

My parents are in late 60s / early 70s. Retired with a good pension, mortgage paid off and recently got a decent sum of inheritance. They are still fit and well with good health. And living comfortably financially.

But they don’t DO anything. They don’t go on holidays or trips away anymore. They don’t go for evenings out or even meals out. They just seem to sit at home doing the same routine day in and day out. Occasionally they might see friends (once a month maybe?). They will usually come out with me and my kids if we invite them somewhere. But apart from that they just sit at home.

Even when we do invite them out or over to ours, I can’t help but feel they are anxiously waiting to leave and go home. We will only ever see them for a couple of hours at a time and then they make their excuses and leave. They NEVER invite us anywhere or suggest doing anything with the grandkids, unless it’s to come to their house for a meal.

Up until a few years ago they did used to go on holidays and go out a bit more. I used to socialise and do fun things with my Mum a lot too (spa days, shopping, theatre). I don’t really understand what has happened to make it stop. If me or DH hint at asking if they’re planning to go away or have anything planned they get all funny and defensive. Or use their dog as an excuse for not being able to go out.

is this normal as you enter later years of life? Could they genuinely happy and content just staying home all the time?. I can’t help but feel they are wasting the last healthy years of their life.

In comparison my similarly aged in-laws are the complete opposite. Always going out to the theatre, gigs, cinema, restaurants, going on trips and holidays. Really making the most of life and retirement! They love doing fun activities with the grandkids too like swimming etc.

Perhaps they're worried about leaving the dog for any length of time. You can't take a dog everywhere and, if he's older, they might just want to spend as much time with him as they can.

'oh do chill out'....

You sound rather immature with no understanding whatsoever of the importance of physical and mental health as we age.

I'm their age, still working part time, but one day I will do exactly as your parents do. Have time to garden and see my friends and read and walk. Exciting days out with grandkids sound a misery- I've done all that with my 3.
I'd also decline your offer of 'fitting car seats in the car.'

Perhaps they want a bit of peace.

This!

I have to so often refrain from telling them to stop bossing me about!

As you age your energy levels diminish. Tasks and activities that took you, say an hour, fives years on can take you much longer.
I'm in my 70's, relatively healthy and I have always been quite active, but I have found walking my neighbours dog ( something I do on a daily basis) absolutely wipes me out for a couple of hours!
DH (in the building trade) cannot work two days on the trot as he just doesn't have the physical energy.
There are lots of things we would love to do but we have to consider our energy levels and our finances. In real terms my pension isn't what it was, and we both rely on DH (self employed) to do the odd days work to pay for luxuries and holidays.

You sound rather immature with no understanding whatsoever of the importance of physical and mental health as we age

I'm perfectly well informed. You're just awfully prickly.

She doesn't sound immature at all. You do sound bit uptight, though!

If they're happy then that's fine, leave them to it

Plenty of people do just love their own company and being at home without the pressure on to be running around doing this, that and the other.

My parents were only very occasional socialisers once they had both retired. They did like going on holidays two or three times a year, but weren't particularly big on having a social life.

I'll be 60 in a few weeks and can already feel myself becoming similar.

Don’t even get me started on that. They think they know best all the time.

That's it. ^

Frankly I can't think of anything worse than just sitting in the house all day and just tootling around the garden when it's nice, and not going on little day trips (woodlands, forest, lakes, beach, a big city, out for a pub lunch, or to see one of my 3 BFFs, to see my DC, or just go for a long walk around my lovely rural area. Also enjoy the odd long weekend abroad. (I am late 50s, work 2 days a week, DH is a little bit older, works 3 days a week.) He does less than me and likes to just sit in the garden or watch TV, but does come out with me sometimes...

But if someone else wants to stay at home, then they should crack on and not be bullied or coerced, or nagged at by people who think they should be 'doing more' and 'going out more.' Not everyone is a social butterfly. DH and I don't much like big social events, and hate trying to make small talk with people who you barely know or don't like. I hate weddings now. Full of 95% of people I don't know, just sitting there in a corner with DH wishing it could all end.

We have about half a dozen friends between us (individual ones, gave up on couple friends about 20 years ago, we had 3 or 4 and they never ended well,) and we see our DC every couple of weeks. (They live 18-ish miles away...) We have socialised with work colleagues a few times (usually at Christmas or a big birthday,) but it's not more than 2-3 times a year. Anyone not wanting to join in is called boring, and an 'old fart.' Because God forbid anyone turns down socialising with workmates! FFS!

@Bluebell12378 Leave your parents alone. It's horrible being mithered and nagged by someone to 'socialise more.' It's really none of your business.

So in your Op @Bluebell12378 you said your parents “Don’t Do anything”

However you’ve since added .,,.

They do quite nice things at home.
The TV usually only goes on in the evening They seem to spend the day walking the dog (although usually the same local route), cleaning,
gardening,
pottering,
reading etc.
Very house proud.
They also do one day a week of childcare for me at their house (1yo and 2yo)

FFS it sound like they have a full, fulfilling life!!

Don’t underestimate how age changes you. I started looking after my grandaughter when I was 55 for one day a week, she was 12 months. I can honestly say I was absolutely exhausted after one day with her! I never took her out as I found it so much less stressful to stay in with her and she loves being at my house.
Dh and I are retiring this summer at 61. We have a few small trips planned but on the whole, can’t wait to be calm, stop rushing around and just enjoy living day to day. Cant wait.

Anyone not wanting to join in is called boring, and an 'old fart.'

I am often quite happy in my own company and being a fully paid up member of the "Boring Old Farts Club." Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

When I am in Boring Old Fart mode I really don't want to be chivvied around by anyone else, no matter who they are or how well meaning, to do more.

I think the thing that would concern me is that it's a relatively new behaviour pattern for them. It doesn't sound like they were quite so introverted before covid.

It's one thing enjoying being at home, but it's well known that social connections and challenging your brain are among the biggest predictors of healthy ageing. I would worry about what happens when, inevitably, there's only one of them and the other is left isolated.

I'm closer to your parents' age than yours and I wouldn't want to live that way. I see my parents in their 80s travelling, going to museums and theatre and opera and music and volunteering and generally staying very engaged with the world, but I also see my in-laws who are physically active, but much more like your describe your parents. They seem very happy with their life, but are noticeably ageing cognitively in a way my parents' aren't. They're much more inflexible and less engaged with the larger world.

Yes @LizzieSiddal I am more weary and easily tired and ready to settle in front of the TV for the evening by 7pm LOL. (DH is the same.) My 2 adult DC (both late 20s) can't fathom why DH and I don't enjoy going out for a meal at night/in the evening. We used to - up to about our early to mid 40s, but now we would much rather go for a meal at lunchtime. We love a pub lunch! In there by midday, out by 1.15pm to 1.30pm, and off for a walk around the park before popping to the shops and heading home in time for The Chase. 😄

They've not said as much, but I know they think we're a bit boring for not going out til 11pm. 🙄 They don't get how tired and weary you get when you get past 50. They say 'you're 58, not bloody 88!' I just sigh and say 'wait til you get there!'

I’ve seen this happen to older relatives.

Holidays become harder to plan. Socialising is a skill that becomes rusty through disuse.

Maybe one of them has health issues that you don’t know about that makes them want to stay home it’s not unusual if suddenly there’s a bladder or bowel problem.

Sound like my nan and grandad. If they're happy and content. Leave them to it. Not everyone wants to be doing things all the time. I'm 47 and after work I tend to be home most evenings too! I like my home. I pay enough if my wages for it ill enjoy it!

I could've written this. My mum and dad retired 2023/24. While working, they went 2 holidays a year, out for meals, dad golfed, mum never sat on her bum. In 2024, they had to come home from a holiday early as my dad had a fast heart beat and felt rotten, rather than seek medical attention in a non English speaking country he just waited to get home. He was then blue lighted to hospital and went on statins and the like. My mum then got diagnosed with cancer in Jan 25. Shes in full remission, my dad's fine with medication but they do nothing now. I had my mum away to town with me and my daughter last week and whilst she used to love nothing more than a trail around the shops shes declared she cant do it any more so it was a quick walk around then home. I asked what's stopping her walking, is she in pain? But she kind of agreed its mental and that she has less energy due to her not doing much. So I think its a downward slope stemming from formed new habits, an expectation that theyre on their last legs so to speak, and fear. Ill continue to push them but its hard to see them so previously full of life and excitement for retirement to just languishing. It'd be different if theyd always been home bodies but thats not the case 😔

It can be normal yes, and I suspect the dog has a lot to do with it. My mum barely leaves the house. Only for appointments. Hasn’t for years. I am moving within 25 mins drive soon (currently 4hrs away) and hoping she will come over sometimes (i’ll have to collect her) as least it’s a change of scenery. She’s always been a home bod though. I’d be fed up within 2-3 days, I personally go to the office daily for adult company.

These sort of threads always remind me of the John Mellancamp "Jack & Diane" song lyrics "oh, yeah, life goes on. Long after the thrill of livin' is gone".

There could be a variety of reasons why they like to stay in. Me and husband are mid 60s, retired. He can’t stand staying in, I go out more to keep him company. We used to go to regular gigs and concerts at night but since Covid they have become prohibitively expensive. We do go for meals etc during the day. Recently became grandparents and would love to spend more time with them but live a long way away and we have to travel to them which becomes exhausting. Maybe OPs parents enjoy ‘afternoon delights’? Nice reason to stay in. I also have a friend who is reluctant to go into our closest city due to the news re stabbings etc. We go in regularly but sometimes the news is terrifying and can put you off. If they are happy and not sinking into depression it’s up to them.

@EmmaM84

I could've written this. My mum and dad retired 2023/24. While working, they went 2 holidays a year, out for meals, dad golfed, mum never sat on her bum. In 2024, they had to come home from a holiday early as my dad had a fast heart beat and felt rotten, rather than seek medical attention in a non English speaking country he just waited to get home. He was then blue lighted to hospital and went on statins and the like. My mum then got diagnosed with cancer in Jan 25. She's in full remission, my dad's fine with medication but they do nothing now.

I had my mum away to town with me and my daughter last week and whilst she used to love nothing more than a trail around the shops she's declared she cant do it any more so it was a quick walk around then home. I asked what's stopping her walking, is she in pain? But she kind of agreed its mental and that she has less energy due to her not doing much. So I think its a downward slope stemming from formed new habits, an expectation that they're on their last legs so to speak, and fear. Ill continue to push them but its hard to see them so previously full of life and excitement for retirement to just languishing. It'd be different if they'd always been home bodies but thats not the case 😔

Maybe your parents just want to chill and slow down/take things at a slower pace now, after all these years of working/travelling/socialising/raising family. Why the desperation for them to be like you? Who I assume is at least a quarter century younger?

I couldn't be doing with being nagged and bullied by people to 'do more' and 'go out more' and 'socialise more,' least of all by my own adult children. As I said, they make the odd comment (rarely,) because DH and I CBA to go out at night or a meal, but if they kept badgering and pestering and demanding to know why I wasn't keeping up with them, constantly going out socialising, inter-railing across Europe, and trailing around the shops with them for hours on end, I would be really pissed off. I would resist furiously, I would NOT be bullied, and I would very likely think about moving away a few hundred miles to get away from them.

Your mum probably agreed with you (about her not wanting to do much) because she's fed up of being harangued by you. Why on earth do you think you have the right to continue to push them hard to do more/get out more/travel more. Leave them alone FGS.

This. There is no "normal" I am widowed. I love being at home. I do crafting and DIY and am a mad gardener. Early on in my marriage we travelled A LOT and it was fun but I feel a bit been there done that about that now. Evidently your inlaws enjoy a different kind of life and that's fine too.
Are they happy? Are they healthy? And I'd get a bit more than "funny and defensive" if people tried to question my choices!

This one too.

excpet for me the thrill of living hasn't gone even though I am widowed and didn't get the retirement I expected....its just that different things thrill me.