AIBU to worry my retired parents never want to go out?

[Bluebell12378]

My parents are in late 60s / early 70s. Retired with a good pension, mortgage paid off and recently got a decent sum of inheritance. They are still fit and well with good health. And living comfortably financially.

But they don’t DO anything. They don’t go on holidays or trips away anymore. They don’t go for evenings out or even meals out. They just seem to sit at home doing the same routine day in and day out. Occasionally they might see friends (once a month maybe?). They will usually come out with me and my kids if we invite them somewhere. But apart from that they just sit at home.

Even when we do invite them out or over to ours, I can’t help but feel they are anxiously waiting to leave and go home. We will only ever see them for a couple of hours at a time and then they make their excuses and leave. They NEVER invite us anywhere or suggest doing anything with the grandkids, unless it’s to come to their house for a meal.

Up until a few years ago they did used to go on holidays and go out a bit more. I used to socialise and do fun things with my Mum a lot too (spa days, shopping, theatre). I don’t really understand what has happened to make it stop. If me or DH hint at asking if they’re planning to go away or have anything planned they get all funny and defensive. Or use their dog as an excuse for not being able to go out.

is this normal as you enter later years of life? Could they genuinely happy and content just staying home all the time?. I can’t help but feel they are wasting the last healthy years of their life.

In comparison my similarly aged in-laws are the complete opposite. Always going out to the theatre, gigs, cinema, restaurants, going on trips and holidays. Really making the most of life and retirement! They love doing fun activities with the grandkids too like swimming etc.

Same as my dad and stepmum, with the addition of copious amounts of alcohol. Quite sad but they seem happy

you know how teenagers think anyone over 25 is really boring ? And people in their twenties think people over 40 are really boring? Well….. this is the same, but tier 3. You are middle aged, thinking late middle aged/ elderly is really boring.

My PIL are like this. My DS is 9 and they’ve never once been on a day out with him. They just do nothing! I said to DH I never want to be like that. My GPs used to be out in the car all the time!

Let them live as they choose to.

I'm 37 and would find two toddlers very stressful, lol. We're all different.

I think it's societal, ageism in other words. Albeit unconsciously.

You know how people start to treat the very elderly like children? Talking to them in patronising ways and interfering?

This is the start of the shift I think. Once someone gets into their 60s often their DC start acting like they are the parent, not the child. Not liking how the parents spend their time, not liking what they watch on TV or what they eat, how they behave or what they complain about.

MN is full of it. My brother does it with my Mum. Will text me 'worried' about how many Amazon parcels she gets, all the 'crap' (in his opinion) she buys or how much time she spends on Facebook/Tiktok. He gets really annoyed when I point out she's a 70 year old compos mentis adult who still works part-time and can do WTF she likes with her time and money and she's neither demented nor a child.

There's a lot to be said for being at peace with your lot in life.

Some people just like a quiet easy life especially after having worked the daily grind of 9-5. Maybe they feel they don’t want to impose on you so don’t ask? Maybe they just want to stay at home. Maybe they worry about being taken ill whilst away on hol (you do get less confident as you get older getting out and about) As long as they are healthy and happy and not hurting anyone I can’t see that your comments are valid. Leave them to it they’re obviously comfortable staying at home.

Not normal for your parents. Mine are like this. My grandparents were like this. It sounds pretty good to me in my retirement. If OP’s parents are happy, that’s all that matters.

On a serious note though when did their behaviour change, upon retirement or something else.

Mine are like this too. They are very down and whingey about anything and everything but don’t seem to have the impetus to change. In laws are always off on cruises and things. I’ve tried and invited them to lots of things and suggested things I think they’d like but no joy, I’ve given up a bit with it now tbh.
it does rankle me though, I work such long hours and think if I had a fraction of the free time they have and was in good health I’d want to go out and do things and not be so negative.

My DF’s world got smaller and smaller as he aged. His evening meal got earlier and earlier to where he was eating at about 4pm and going to bed at 7.30pm. He’d have anxiety when he had to go to the supermarket or for an appointment. But he seemed happy in his little world,

I'm early 60s. Mostly I don't really want to go out. I've never been super sociable but I would always go out at some point during the day. Would take myself off to the beach, to town, go shopping, for a walk.

I don't really want to anymore. I'm tired after a lifetime of work (still working now, just from home). Even the things I like to do feel like too much now. So I can identify with your parents.

Used to love travel. The thought of the upheaval of getting to an airport, the chaos at the airport at either end, the horrible cramped planes (they didn't used to be as bad as they are now), and all the really loud, in-your-face people, is just too much now. As much as I'd love to be on a (quiet, only a few other people) beach, all the rest that goes with it would probably give me a heart attack.

For some of us, tolerance levels go right down as we get older. I don't think it happens to everyone, but it does for some.

I also think covid had an effect. I didn't realise I was OK in my own company, in my peaceful home without others until covid. It broke me of the ability to socialise I think.

If think is secretly annoyed her parents don't take her toddlers out and so has disguised the thread in other ways.

Very fortunate to have parents locally who will mind two toddlers, now wants to dictate what they do also.

Are you aware that some people are introverts? that are happy in their own company? and they don't need to go outside, meet other people constantly?

Have you ever heard of disengagement theory op? It’s a natural process of ageing.

Years ago going out midweek in particular was easier. And ditto non school holidays. Fewer people about. One of the perks of retirement. Quieter, more restful, less traffic. Easy to get a table in a pub.
Queueing to get a car parking space wasn’t a thing.
It is not like that anymore. Everywhere is busy to sometimes chaotic.

But also, they might just not tell you all their comings and goings. And want some privacy.

Having re read the OP post I think you could well be right there.
And it would explain why her parents are defensive when being questioned about what plans they have for going out/away etc.

I think its very normal. They are doing what suits them and when. When you get to a certain age, peace and quiet and chilling is a luxury. I wouldnt worry too much as they do make an effort to see friends.

That. And OP sounds like one of those people who judge other peoples lives if they aren't like the OP. And lack imagination and empathy.

OP thinks them being retired and not doing what she thinks they should be is 'wasting their final years"

Hopes they're happy but 'couldn't possibly imagine being happy living like that'

Judging them spending the day at home with her DC as she would find it IMPOSSIBLE to stay at home with her DC all day.

It's quite sneering dressed up as fake concern.

Do they go for a walks or attend an exercise class to keep healthy?
Are they hard of hearing? If you can't hear properly you tend to isolate because it is so much effort to talk to people.

Edit

Of course, it's normal. Anything is normal. Each to their own I say.
Good for your nan! However, my mum is early 80s and after a horrific fall she's housebound and unable to go out on her so we take her places. Not everybody's the same and that's absolutely ok. Stop with the judgement please.
Some people are homebirds and others hate being at home. Whatever floats your boat.

They're not isolated. They're just not doing what OP thinks they should be doing.

If you read her posts she says they rarely watch TV. They look after the OPs kids one day a week. They garden, walk their dog several times a day, potter about the house pleasing themselves, see friends once a month, go to tea at OPs house and host teas for her, her DH and their kids too.

They're fine and happy. But as OP thinks they're wasting their final years living how they want to and she couldn't possibly imagine living life like that, she's judging.

Sun lounger, garden, good book and wine. Sounds bliss.