AIBU to worry my retired parents never want to go out?

[Bluebell12378]

My parents are in late 60s / early 70s. Retired with a good pension, mortgage paid off and recently got a decent sum of inheritance. They are still fit and well with good health. And living comfortably financially.

But they don’t DO anything. They don’t go on holidays or trips away anymore. They don’t go for evenings out or even meals out. They just seem to sit at home doing the same routine day in and day out. Occasionally they might see friends (once a month maybe?). They will usually come out with me and my kids if we invite them somewhere. But apart from that they just sit at home.

Even when we do invite them out or over to ours, I can’t help but feel they are anxiously waiting to leave and go home. We will only ever see them for a couple of hours at a time and then they make their excuses and leave. They NEVER invite us anywhere or suggest doing anything with the grandkids, unless it’s to come to their house for a meal.

Up until a few years ago they did used to go on holidays and go out a bit more. I used to socialise and do fun things with my Mum a lot too (spa days, shopping, theatre). I don’t really understand what has happened to make it stop. If me or DH hint at asking if they’re planning to go away or have anything planned they get all funny and defensive. Or use their dog as an excuse for not being able to go out.

is this normal as you enter later years of life? Could they genuinely happy and content just staying home all the time?. I can’t help but feel they are wasting the last healthy years of their life.

In comparison my similarly aged in-laws are the complete opposite. Always going out to the theatre, gigs, cinema, restaurants, going on trips and holidays. Really making the most of life and retirement! They love doing fun activities with the grandkids too like swimming etc.

My fit and healthy parents did absolutely nothing when they were old. They never went for meals, cinema or theatre trips or days out. They pottered around the house and gardens, and went to Waitrose. A family gathering was always something they enjoyed, but apart from that - nothing. Happy as clams.

It might be helpful if you outlined how they spend their time at home.

I'm 59, and spend all week out and about in London (I have 2 jobs) and am find that these days I am enjoying more and more spending weekends at home, in my bikini on my sun lounger in the garden with a good book and a chilled bottle of Pinot Grigio. Bliss.

I recently attended a birthday dinner at a renown restaurant and for me the whole evening was ruined by a group of 3 young women on the next table who were loud, shrill and felt that the who restaurant had to be aware of their conversation, which also included getting up to film themselves and take countless pictures posing with their food, and taking as though they were orating to the whole room. I hate to sound like an old bitch, but I'm finding Gen Z to be to be very performative, attention seeking and annoying. At one point one of them burst into this high pitched sustained squeal (think of a stuck pig) while using both her hands to frantically fan herself, while all her friends shrieked in unison. I guess manners, decorum and consideration are things that are no longer fashionable.

Maybe I am just getting old.

My parents are like this- it’s a shame as it is definitely going to shorten their lifespan, but they’re happy so not much I can do about.

On the flip side my in laws are the opposite of this, always out and about socialising and doing things- they’re older than my parents but look younger and have far fewer health problems. I hope to be more like them as I age.

What do they do at home? Do they have hobbies like reading, crafting, puzzles or do they just watch tv?

Going anywhere these days can be a PITA. Road works everywhere, traffic heavy and yes I know if you complain about traffic you are traffic.

Sometimes it just all seems like too much hassle.

We went out last week and on a drive which should have taken 45 minutes we encountered six lots of road works two of which actually held us up for quite a long time. We could hear sirens in the distance and wondered for a moment if our route would be entirely blocked if there had been an accident. Eventually we moved off and couldn't see any reason for the delay at all but it's just all more stressful than it needs to be.

I don't think it's abnormal - some people certainly do become real homebodies in later life and not everyone is a big traveller anyway. My paternal GPs were like this, but then my grandma had the beginnings to dementia around this age, so I suspect that was part of it. They were never big travellers, had a little holiday cottage in a scenic area of England, but then they sold it and after that they never went anywhere. They were late 60s at that point.

I'm the same though a few years younger.

I hate the judgemental attitude some have that somehow you're not living or have a small life if you prefer to be at home.

I've had plenty of holidays, days out, gigs, festivals etc in the past and even though I enjoyed them, I always would have been just as happy or happier at home.

So when I got to my late 30s I stopped going out when it was just to please others, or to be seen to join in or because I thought I should want to do all these things.

Now haven't been out in the evening for about 5 years. Have a couple of weekends at the coast a year but no more than 2 nights because after that, I've had enough, and go on day trips with friends 4 or 5 times a year.

Can't be arsed with airports either.

I'm very happy and enjoy life very much. I walk daily, enjoy nature and wildlife.

I hate that some people feel like they're somehow superior because they like to go to coffee shops with friends or to a book group. or are always busy.

Thanks for responses. It seems it may be normal for some which is reassuring. I think the extreme difference to my in-laws lifestyle was worrying me!

They do quite nice things at home. The TV usually only goes on in the evening and they seem to spend the day walking the dog (although usually the same local route), cleaning, gardening, pottering, reading etc. Very house proud.

They also do one day a week of childcare for me at their house (1yo and 2yo) - so it’s not like they’re not involved with the grandkids. But they just sit in with them all day which I find impossible to do myself!!!! I have tried to encourage them to go out with them and offered to fit their car seats in their car but they don’t have much interest.

as long as they are happy… - I suppose I just find it hard to imagine myself living happily like that

They seem happy so leave them to it

It will become a problem when one outlives the other if they have no support network than each other. Obviously one could move to a supportive retirement community but I think moving becomes more daunting the older you leave it.

The dog will tie them to the house but as someone that’s quite happy at home I think just leave them be - they’ve worked hard and raised a family maybe they just want to ‘be’

I suppose I just find it hard to imagine myself living happily like that

That's because you're (approx) twenty years younger than them.

Contentment comes in many forms and those forms change as we get older.

@JoaNiic 's post earlier was spot on for me. I'm early sixties and am rapidly developing FOJI....Fear of Joining In.

This poem sums up how I feel now.

The Orange
At lunchtime I bought a huge orange—
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.
And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It’s new.
The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I’m glad I exist.
— Wendy Cope

They are probably very content. I haven't retired yet but I rarely go out out and haven't been a holiday in over twenty years other than three days air b and b in UK. This won't change that much when I retire though I will leave the house for a few activities each week. Out is overrated.

I would imagine you are early 30s or younger? If so I would have felt exactly the same at your age. Your mindset really does change as you get older, well for many it does anyway.

You're younger and have 2 small kids, of course you want to get out of the house!

If it was you alone, or with DP and you could do exactly what you wanted all the time, staying home might be more appealing 😀

Age has a lot to do with it. The sad reality is that as you get older you just don't have the energy and stamina you had when younger.

You may find it hard to imagine myself living happily like that now at your age but won't in your 60s & 70s.

Leave them alone. Stop trying to manage their lives.

Of course they can be happy at home, comfortable and living a peaceful life. Perhaps one has a health condition they don’t wish to share at the moment like IBS?

My mum was like that from her late 60s onwards. Retirement didn’t help, and it got exponentially worse when she was widowed.

The curious and eager woman who travelled the world in her 30s and 40s and ran a busy university department became someone who could barely stand to spend two hours at a close friend’s house for dinner without becoming so exhausted she needed a day or two to recover.

By her mid 70s she genuinely dreaded going out anywhere or seeing people - even people she loved, even the easiest, gentlest lowest-maintenance people. She would fret and worry about a trip to the supermarket. She took no pleasure in social activities as she was wracked with agitation and a need to be back at home.

If we ever asked her about plans or suggested something she also became very defensive and felt got at.

It’s anxiety, aided and abetted in my mother’s case by heart failure that was more serious than anyone realised, and general advancing frailty.

Some of her friends still have plenty of get up and go in their 80s, some of her friends became much more reclusive and sedentary at an even younger age. It’s very variable.

But I speak from experience when I say no good will come of trying to chivvy them along or cheer them up. The best way to maintain a relationship is to meet them where they’re at.

It’s a kind of ambiguous loss, when your parents begin to lose initiative and interest - and it’s important to try not to take it personally or feel hurt. It’s part and parcel of decline, and I’m afraid the train only travels in one direction.

Not surprised, going out with 2 toddlers would be stressful. Honestly OP your fortunate to have parents who do childcare just leave them alone.
If they did go out and something happened you'd be sorry you pushed it
Some people have no problems but just look for one. This is a prime example sadly.

At 30 I was full of ambition, loved travel, out every night. I told everyone I would never retire. Off to Ibiza for the weekend or New York for my birthday at any opportunity. If I ever gave a thought to the non working world I imagined the streets empty of all the exciting people. Just dreary pensioners with sholleys and tumbleweed.

Now I'm retired and the world when everyone is at work and school is so peaceful. Pottering with the dog, a swim in the sea from an empty beach, the supermarket without crowds, the empty cinema on a winter afternoon, my garden with only the birds and church bells for company. Heaven.

Hard to remember now that I was that girl at the bar in the stupid heels.

Life changes. We change.

As others have said, people are different. I notice that you say they inherited recently - could it be they are struggling a bit with bereavement and just want the comfort of home?

I’d find it a bit concerning that there has been a change (as you said they were doing more up until a few years ago). They aren’t really that old and if they’re both in good health then it seems a bit strange.

Hear, hear

I used to work, had to get dressed up and go out for a meal/drinks every weekend, always had at least two holidays a year, enjoyed clothes shopping/hairdresser/beauty salon etc always on the go at weekends etc Then I lost my mum and my teenage son which resulted in me suddenly getting various health problems (caused by stress). Then dh became ill and we both retired early and totally changed our lives. I now enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life, I hardly go out but I'm happy at home. I walk daily and keep in touch with what's going on in the world but I have no desire anymore to get dressed up and go out at night or go trailing round the shops. I just enjoy a simple life in the lovely home I've created. The rest of my family, sister etc can't believe that I'm not depressed or bored and wonder what I do all day. Sometimes people change as they get older, life can change you and your priorities. Just because I live a quiet, simple life doesn't mean I'm not happy. I expect it's the same for your parents.