AIBU to worry my retired parents never want to go out?

[Bluebell12378]

My parents are in late 60s / early 70s. Retired with a good pension, mortgage paid off and recently got a decent sum of inheritance. They are still fit and well with good health. And living comfortably financially.

But they don’t DO anything. They don’t go on holidays or trips away anymore. They don’t go for evenings out or even meals out. They just seem to sit at home doing the same routine day in and day out. Occasionally they might see friends (once a month maybe?). They will usually come out with me and my kids if we invite them somewhere. But apart from that they just sit at home.

Even when we do invite them out or over to ours, I can’t help but feel they are anxiously waiting to leave and go home. We will only ever see them for a couple of hours at a time and then they make their excuses and leave. They NEVER invite us anywhere or suggest doing anything with the grandkids, unless it’s to come to their house for a meal.

Up until a few years ago they did used to go on holidays and go out a bit more. I used to socialise and do fun things with my Mum a lot too (spa days, shopping, theatre). I don’t really understand what has happened to make it stop. If me or DH hint at asking if they’re planning to go away or have anything planned they get all funny and defensive. Or use their dog as an excuse for not being able to go out.

is this normal as you enter later years of life? Could they genuinely happy and content just staying home all the time?. I can’t help but feel they are wasting the last healthy years of their life.

In comparison my similarly aged in-laws are the complete opposite. Always going out to the theatre, gigs, cinema, restaurants, going on trips and holidays. Really making the most of life and retirement! They love doing fun activities with the grandkids too like swimming etc.

My dad is exactly like this whereas my mum is like your in-laws. They both seem very happy.

Not normal, my retired parents are barely home they are always off caravaning with their dog. My nan is late 80s and rarely home too always has some sort of plans.

Some people just like being home. I’m like that. I barely do anything at the weekend.

How can you say it's not normal based on a sample size of 3? 😂

Not retired yet but sounds nothing wrong with it if they are happy. What sort of routines do they have. I would probably only be worried if they just sat and watch TV all day. They have a dog so must go out walking. You said they never invite you anywhere or to do things what do you mean by that. I would just assume you had a busy life of your own. Do your kids ever go to see grandparents on their own to play at their house.

Some people are just happier at home.

I'm one of them and inherited it from my Dad.

My Step-Mum died a few years back and she'd been unwell for years so I expected my Dad to take the opportunity to have holidays or days out again but no, he doesn't want to go anywhere and he is the happiest I've seen him.

If they’re happy I wouldn’t worry too much. Frustratingly my parents are on holiday 3 weeks on the trot and I’m looking after their bloody fussy cats!! While getting lots of messages and photos about their wonderful holidays! While I slaving my arse off at work!!

Your relatives are not everyone!

This is a bit like the post where the OP's parents (in their 60s) sit in the house watching GB News on the telly all day, berating Kier Starmer. Maybe some are just naturally more active in later years, but others enjoy the peace and ease of being at home. Are they into gardening?

So long they're physically active and healthy I don't see the problem. I like being at home but not to that extent. Do they clean, cut the grass, clean the windows etc, they could keep busy and healthy doing that. If they were literally watching TV all day I would be concerned.

It's nice they're happy at home.

That's your parents and nan
Many people are just happy at home. I love being at home.

My PILs also never went anywhere. I think my FIL would have but my MIL had never been interested in day trips. We tried to get them going by booking a few things but they just went and came straight home. Their choice but it did them no good. My MIL talked about nothing but retiring for decades and then just sat in the house for 15 years. Such a waste of a retirement and they never had anything to talk about.

Snap, I thought the same.

Have you asked them? Lots of older people fall more in love with their homes. The absolute joy of peace. Nothing that you don’t want, no more having to grin and bear it. Just your own choices, all around you. Bliss!

One thing I’m aware of as I age is my battery runs out on interest in ‘ entertainment’ or ‘ novelty’ much more quickly. I just don’t need as much diversion. My ability to be content is now very strong, and dealing with The World is ‘less than’ being in ‘My World’.

I have a couple of friends who are older who admit to still being haunted by FOMO and they go bother and yon a lot. I truly can’t see they are happier than less busy people. They’re just busier.

If they are happy , it’s their decision let them get on with it.
I am 60. I have seen with my own mother how small life can become and how quickly it can happen too. It’s not for me. I am more likely to accept invitations and say let’s do it. At this age( for me) making memories and new experiences is more important than collecting stuff . I would
much rather spend our money on traveling but we couldn’t afford to upkeep our
house when the kids were young. So now the kitchen is literally falling apart and needs replacing .

My parents have no hobbies. They're 74 and 73 and been married 50 years. They occasionally go out for a walk otherwise they sit at home watching TV, mum gardens. When they both worked, their evenings were exactly the same. Hardly ever went on holiday, even when I was there (our first holiday was when I was 14).

They seem happy enough.

However, I find I am turning into them at 52. I moved to be with my partner 150 miles away three years ago and every evening we sit watching TV, usually with her scrolling on her phone. She doesn't finish work until 7.30 so she's too tired to go out. My hobbies all ceased during COVID and where I am now I can't do those hobbies.

I think it's like many things. Once you get into a rut after a few years it's very hard to get out of it. My parents were always like that, so they seem to be fine about it. I was usually out 2-3 nights a week and some part of Sundays doing my hobbies (more when single). I can't see myself getting out of his rut unless we move.

Your parents may be fine about it. It's their choice.

What is it with all the threads criticising the over 60's for daring to live their lives as they choose. If they are happy to live that life then leave them to it.

When you work, your free time is very precious. Most people get 4-5 weeks of annual leave and that's it. You are busy fitting in work, childcare, housework, life admin etc. and you want to make the most of your holiday time.

It's different for retired people. Their time is their own. They have no urgency to deal with anything, most things can wait until tomorrow. They have routines to get their shopping done and other essentials but time is more plentiful and they are just enjoying it.

As for going away for holidays well, if they've done that throughout their younger years they might have had enough of it. Travelling can be unpleasant and expensive and pretty much all the same unless you go for very different holiday experiences all the time.

Everyone is different. If they're happy, that's great.

This!

I can imagine myself just pottering around the house when I hit retirement, as life until this stage is busy. I will know that I’ve done everything I want to do - infact I’m starting to feel that way now at 47 - so now I can just enjoy being home.

@Bluebell12378 the only thing that would ruin it for me is if my nearest and dearest judged how I liked to spend my time. It would make me feel as though I have to be doing something, as doing nothing is unacceptable, even if deep down I just don’t want to.

Ask them if they’re happy and enjoying retirement, if yes, then leave them be.

It’s interesting. I literally refuse to go out in the evenings now though will happily go out in and do lots of things in the morning/afternoon. By 5pm I need my pyjamas on and endless tea.

I wonder if that will creep earlier and earlier as I head to 70? (I’m mid 50’s now) I also have no desire to leave the UK, can’t be bothered with the awfulness of airports.

I’m 45 and I can feel myself becoming more and more like this. I genuinely just feel bored of going out and doing things. When you’ve been everywhere and done everything it becomes boring after a while. I have adult dc and still make the effort for them (we recently went on a family break to Disneyland!) but once I’m home I just enjoy pottering around at home with my cat, scrolling online and watching tv, bit of gardening, etc. I don’t have any friends and don’t want any friends. Can’t imagine anything worse than having to make plans to meet up with anyone. We’re all different I guess…!

I think the only reason to be concerned is if their lifestyle could cause health problems that could be avoided or postponed. If for example they walk to and from shops, maintain a garden, do diy when needed etc, then perhaps not a cause for concern.

Ahh leave them alone, they like a quiet boring life! They’ve worked, played and done all the things and can’t be arsed anymore. That’s their right.

There is not one size fits all in retirement. Some like to gad about and travel and join things, others prefer the security of home and enjoy pottering about with no immediate plans to do anything.

Your parents seem to be quite happy to be at home, and many are like this. Not everyone is full of fun and whizz, and sometimes the security of the familiar is all they need.

The only thing I would ask is if they get any movement into their day. That's so important, but they have a dog so perhaps they walk it in turns. That's all they need really, or a bit of gardening etc.

I wouldn't worry about it. You can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

I think it's great you are concerned.
However I'm almost 60 and work hard then usually chill at home cleaning and gardening at the weekend.The thing is energy can deplete as you age.
I walk 25 miles per week and my older dh could not do that.
Also it's possible they have done what they wanted or they are careful with finances now they no longer earn a wage.
It's possible they are neurodivergents and more than happy alone even if socializing is fun for you.

I say this as someone recently diagnosed .Ask if they are ok then leave them to it.