AIBU to worry my retired parents never want to go out?

[Bluebell12378]

My parents are in late 60s / early 70s. Retired with a good pension, mortgage paid off and recently got a decent sum of inheritance. They are still fit and well with good health. And living comfortably financially.

But they don’t DO anything. They don’t go on holidays or trips away anymore. They don’t go for evenings out or even meals out. They just seem to sit at home doing the same routine day in and day out. Occasionally they might see friends (once a month maybe?). They will usually come out with me and my kids if we invite them somewhere. But apart from that they just sit at home.

Even when we do invite them out or over to ours, I can’t help but feel they are anxiously waiting to leave and go home. We will only ever see them for a couple of hours at a time and then they make their excuses and leave. They NEVER invite us anywhere or suggest doing anything with the grandkids, unless it’s to come to their house for a meal.

Up until a few years ago they did used to go on holidays and go out a bit more. I used to socialise and do fun things with my Mum a lot too (spa days, shopping, theatre). I don’t really understand what has happened to make it stop. If me or DH hint at asking if they’re planning to go away or have anything planned they get all funny and defensive. Or use their dog as an excuse for not being able to go out.

is this normal as you enter later years of life? Could they genuinely happy and content just staying home all the time?. I can’t help but feel they are wasting the last healthy years of their life.

In comparison my similarly aged in-laws are the complete opposite. Always going out to the theatre, gigs, cinema, restaurants, going on trips and holidays. Really making the most of life and retirement! They love doing fun activities with the grandkids too like swimming etc.

I think some people at any age are less social but when younger they make the effort.
I'm 68 and DH is 76.
We walk every day and he goes to the gym so is fit and active. I do lots of activities, we don't generally do much together.

He would happily never go out anywhere ever. He will go out for the sake of me or the adult DC and always enjoys it. We normally go on holiday abroad three times a year and do several UK breaks. Again he would prefer to stay at home but goes for my benefit. I can't travel ATM because of illness and I'm so, so fed up and frustrated but I think he feels like he's off the hook temporarily.
Having said that neither of us really wants to go out in the evening unless it's important to someone else.

I have a friend a similar age and they go away every weekend and out most nights. It's exhausting just listening to what they do and I bet she thinks I envy it but I wouldn't swap for anything.

I bet your parents love their routine and consider themselves busy enough.

It does sound like they are busy and active at home so I wouldn't worry too much. It sounds odd to me but my house is a mess! It might be worth asking one at a time them if all is ok. Sometimes people of a certain age just don't want to far from the loo!

Normal for my in laws. Every time we visited them they'd be sitting side by side in their recliners reading newspapers or magazines.
Apart from going to the nearest town for their weekly shoppjng they never went anywhere.

My in-laws are the same, possibly worse, but they’re older now (80s). They’ve become increasingly socially isolated and borderline agoraphobic over the past few decades. They literally do nothing, ever. No gardening, no friends, no hobbies, no holidays, no exercise, and they only see family when we organise it. My children barely know them. But they’re not my parents, so there’s nothing I can do about it. I just find it quite bleak. They were the same in their 60s.

Some of the responses here are minimising your concerns. There’s a wide gulf between enjoying a quiet life and totally giving up on life.

I think going out is vastly overrated tbh.

My in-laws are a few year older and are the same. A combination of Covid and now resolved health issues made them fearful. They say they are happy just being at home but that’s because they are too scared to leave their comfort zone.

They’re probably fed up of peoples fucking shit. I’m not retired, but when I am, I’ll still be fed up of peoples shit.

I think that is still doing things though. Not travelling but still active. A lot of retired people are basically never leaving the house.

And what could OP do about that? I appreciate she might be concerned about them but they're grown adults and free to live their own lives as they choose.
I retired a few years ago and love being at home. After a lifetime of having to get up early and arrange my time around work, home admin, children and husband, I can now do as I please. I don't have to be constantly doing things. I enjoy just taking things easy, I've earned my peace.

Staying in is the new going out 😁

Absolutely. I'm 37 and my perfect weekend involves doing bugger all in my own home 😂

It could be the dog if it's getting a bit older and they're worried about leaving them in case something happens.

If they're happy just let them be.

My in laws are the same since COVID, although they are in their 80s now. I think my FIL needs fast access to a bathroom and my MIL gets arthritis pain. But i think mostly they werent very social before lockdowns but that just changed their behaviour for good.

But, they are happy

It’s not really surprising the aren’t keen going out with your children. I’m 50 and would find going out with a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old very stressful. They are probably exhausted from looking after them. You’re young and are used to your children but trust me you quickly get un used to being around small children after your own grow up and it’s exhausting to be around them however much we love them and want to be with them.

If it was you alone, or with DP and you could do exactly what you wanted all the time, staying home might be more appealing

Ah, back to the early days, with long leisurely lie ins, reading the news over brunch and having sex whenever you want 😉

Could you think of it as their having earned the right to live their lives they way they want to?

some people like to stay at home, others don’t. Why not be glad for them that they get to do what they want?

I’m 50 and would find going out with a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old very stressful

Really? Early 70s maybe but you're only 50. I'm a decade older than you and would happily take them out.

Very similar situation to my Dad. My Step-Mum was the one that really wanted the holidays etc and he enjoyed them too but did it for her benefit. He never loved clothes/house shopping or going out with her friends and their partners but ddi it for her.

Since she's died he's happier than I've ever seen him. Not because he didn't love her, or because he doesn't miss her but because now in his 70s he can do exactly what he likes when he likes for the 1st time. He married my Mum at 19, split in early 30s was single for 6 months before meeting my Step-Mum then with her for 35 years. Never lived alone or did his own thing.

His true nature has come out now and he likes doing not much - looking after the garden, house and the dog and watching sports and that's okay.

As long as they’re genuinely happy, ok. The problem there is if anything happens to one of them.

Some people are extroverts. Some are not. Many are in between the two.
But as you age many people do not have the energy they had when they were 45 or even 55. Someone who is an extrovert will keep seeking out social activities. Others, less so. Being an introvert doesn’t mean you have any neurological problems.
Travelling can be hard work. And not particularly pleasant or guaranteed fun. Packing, airports, queues, cancelled planes, cruises full of stag and hens. Or naff rooms. Poor travel agents for long haul that cost a fortune. Countries that don’t want you to visit. Extra costs. Wars in other places that impact on travelling. Insurance costs will increase too.
Restaurants and pubs can be nice to go to. But expensive.
So no, sometimes people don’t go out all the time.
They may not have a state pension at 60 +. At 70 they will. Even with other money they have they may be constantly weighing up leisure spending and practical must spends on say home maintenance or a car.

They are not wasting their life. No. They have lived a lot of it already.

I run a coffee morning for a small group of older ladies that I’ve befriended over the years, most of whom have become widowed within recent years.

What I will say to the OP is that when one partner dies, the remaining partner can go downhill quickly if they don’t have any outside interests and friends supporting them. In your shoes, I’d be encouraging them to keep up their friendships.

When did this change for your parents? You said ‘up until a few years ago’. Do you think Covid changed things for them?

My parents were/are similar (also similar ages). They had been retired for a couple of years before Covid and were very active/busy. They socialised a lot and did a lot of voluntary work at their Church and in the local community. All of this obviously stopped with Covid, but they’ve never really gone back to how they were before.

They are happy enough, but I’m sure if Covid had never happened, they’d still be doing all the things they were before.

I just try to make sure I invite them to do things with us as often as possible, as they usually say yes (and I like their company). But it makes me a bit sad to see how much their world has shrunk since Covid times.

That will be me and I can’t flipping wait! Just hope one of my daughters doesn’t feel the need to start a thread on Mumsnet about it!

I think many posters don't realise that the over 60s have been here since the beginning of time Mumsnet. We have no intention of sloping off the Gransnet!

Maybe they're addicted to Mumsnet?