AIBU to worry my retired parents never want to go out?

[Bluebell12378]

My parents are in late 60s / early 70s. Retired with a good pension, mortgage paid off and recently got a decent sum of inheritance. They are still fit and well with good health. And living comfortably financially.

But they don’t DO anything. They don’t go on holidays or trips away anymore. They don’t go for evenings out or even meals out. They just seem to sit at home doing the same routine day in and day out. Occasionally they might see friends (once a month maybe?). They will usually come out with me and my kids if we invite them somewhere. But apart from that they just sit at home.

Even when we do invite them out or over to ours, I can’t help but feel they are anxiously waiting to leave and go home. We will only ever see them for a couple of hours at a time and then they make their excuses and leave. They NEVER invite us anywhere or suggest doing anything with the grandkids, unless it’s to come to their house for a meal.

Up until a few years ago they did used to go on holidays and go out a bit more. I used to socialise and do fun things with my Mum a lot too (spa days, shopping, theatre). I don’t really understand what has happened to make it stop. If me or DH hint at asking if they’re planning to go away or have anything planned they get all funny and defensive. Or use their dog as an excuse for not being able to go out.

is this normal as you enter later years of life? Could they genuinely happy and content just staying home all the time?. I can’t help but feel they are wasting the last healthy years of their life.

In comparison my similarly aged in-laws are the complete opposite. Always going out to the theatre, gigs, cinema, restaurants, going on trips and holidays. Really making the most of life and retirement! They love doing fun activities with the grandkids too like swimming etc.

You'll be more able to avoid it though.

Do they garden? My PILs had an elaborate garden and worked in it all day every day that it was fine. Gardening can be a very healthy mental and physical activity and very satisfying.

This 😅

It is. This summer the weather has been perfect for this.

But I forgot to add the most important item; noise cancelling headphones, as I do have neighbours with kids - in case they are out playing.

I feel like it’s not really any of your business. I don’t mean that rudely but they’re not asking you for anything, you still see them, but they’re happy at home and that’s okay. A couple of hours with my adult children is enough for me too.

My parents are in their 60's and still go on holiday - recently they have had a couple of short midweek breaks whilst the weather has allowed and before the schools break up. My Dad has always been more enthusiastic about going away than my Mum, who needs to be persuaded more. They have a dog which keeps them active, and my Uncle looks after the dog if they want to go away and can't take him. My Dad is 70 next year and my Mum the year after, as long as they are in good health I'm sure they will continue to be active.

I missed where the OP said they walk the dogs, so obviously they are getting exercise. They are not isolating per se, but prefer to stay at home.

I am about the same age as the OP's parents. When I am not working over the summer, I go into "slug" mode. I prefer to stay home and read a book or watch a TV series at night. I can't be bothered to go out and could stay inside for three days straight. I do socialize, but more out of obligation rather than desire. I am not sure if it is healthy, though, being slug like. Work keeps me active.

The change definitely happened during COVID which also coincided with retirement. Their world shrunk and never grew back.

It has reassured me that a lot of people say this is normal. DH is always making comments and asking why they don’t go anywhere, so it got me starting to think too much into it all.

This is definitely not a childcare issue as some as trying to make out 🙄. If anything, it works to our advantage that they never go away as they are so reliable for childcare. We are very lucky! In-laws have said they would never do regular childcare because they don’t want it to get in the way of all their fun 😂

It is sad and worrying to see your parents age and change though.

I used to socialise and do fun things with my Mum a lot too (spa days, shopping, theatre)

What would your Mum say if you told her you missed doing those things with her?

What are you concerned about? Declining health? Declining cognitive function? That they are not happy? They sound like they are happy enough, keeping on top of all the chores annd necessities of life and very involved with the grandkids. They might not be able to afford to go away now they are retired. If you are worried I suggest having a conversation with them. That will be the quickest way to put your mind at rest.

It's their choice. We're the same age range, 62 and 72. Love holidays, including long haul. Eat out. Cinema, theatre, walks, sea swimming, gigs. But that's because we like it that way. If they're happy, it's their life.

I really relish being able to lead the life I want now that I am in my 70s. The life I want is to stay at home. In my younger days I supported my 3 children with child care, supported 3 elderly relatives for 5 years and was involved in all sorts of voluntary work
Just pottering around doing my own thing. Gardening, reading, TikTok, I’m a huge BTS fan and doing puzzles. I am never bored,.

I think what would concern me is the effect on their physical and mental health.

I am a big introvert so I don't do a big amount of socialising but I know that getting some fresh air, going for walks, doing regular exercise and having hobbies is essential to keep a healthy mind and body.

If they stay indoors all the time just watching TV for example then I would talk to them about your concerns because this is not going to help maintaining cognitive functions or physical strength and might mean they lose their independence sooner.

The problem about it being 'their choice' is that making the choice of being almost house bound and doing little to maintain your physical and mental capabilities will have impact on their health/independence as they continue to age and that might mean a bigger burden on their family members.

So their current choice will also impact their family.

They're nowhere near housebound.

OP has only made about 4 posts, click on see all on the OP to read them.

But none of that is the case here. They're not housebound, nor is there any indication that they're not physically and mentally well.

some people are content at home others like to travel- im a bit younger but like to be out to be honest, home is simply a base to keep your stuff - might be because ive moved a lot, i don’t get tied to buildings. My parents still take 3-4 trips a year of varying lengths though are staying within Europe now and prefer to cruise from Southampton apart from the occasional flight from local airport to the same hotels as before, they find the bigger airports too stressful and want to avoid new hotels after some bad experiences

I got in from work at 5pm on Friday and haven’t left the house since. I like being at home. I find it the most relaxing place to be.

Staying home is fine as long as we're active physically and mentally. It appears that walking the dog and a spot of gardening doesn't cut it anymore. We need to be doing "strength training" so help me 😂

And don't underestimate the important of social connections. Even for us introverts!

Why is the concept of doing strength training amusing to you?

I have osteoporosis and doing regular exercise with weights is essential for me as I want to stay as healthy and independent as I can.

Nothing funny about ending up with broken bones or/and in a wheelchair.

We are late 60s and I would personally hate that life. We balance going out and away a lot with lazy days at home. But everyone is different. We don't do childcare.

DH and I are a similar age to your parents, we have lots of holidays, trips,go out for meals,or just coffee to our favourite place, see friends, wine tastings, concerts, comedy gigs. We like lazy days too. Life is for living.

Jealousy obviously. If you are run off your feet and/or struggling for money, a well off retirement feels like a dream come true. Like formal education is wasted on the young, retirement is wasted on the old.

My PILs are like this. A very strict routine of two supermarket trips a week and other than that just doctors when needed. They have nothing to talk about other that what other people have told them

Why is the concept of doing strength training amusing to you?

Oh do chill out.

It's not the concept but the fact that it's one more thing we have to worry about.