AIBU to tell MIL she can't keep her presents

[ThatPinkCrab]

DD turned 1 last month and we specifically said "no big gifts please, just spend time with her" on the invite. MIL ignored it and turned up with a £400 Bugaboo pram "because our granddaughter deserves the best". We were genuinely grateful at the time and made a big deal of her opening it. Now the problem is, she acts like it’s still hers. Every visit it’s "that’s MY pram, I bought it" and if we use our older stroller instead she sulks for the rest of the day.

Last Sunday she actually tried to put it in her car to "take it home to give it a clean and keep it safe at hers". I had to physically block the boot. She looked genuinely shocked and said "but I paid for it, it’s my gift to her". DH thinks I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and says "just let her have it, it’ll keep the peace". But that pram is the one we use every single day for nursery, shops, walks. I can’t be without it, and I’m not buying a second £400 one just so MIL feels ownership.

I don’t want to be ungrateful and I know she meant well, but a gift is a gift right? Once you give it, you don’t get to keep control of it. I’m planning to tell her firmly but politely that the pram lives at our house and she can’t take it. DH is calling me ungrateful and says I’ll ruin their relationship.

I am another person who is very confused by the gift.
firstly a buggy is a very strange present for a babys first birthday
but also you said you didnt want her to buy it but now she has you say you cant cope without it. What did you do for the first 12 months of your baby's life?
Also I presume your MiL isn't suggesting she keeps the buggy at her house pemantley because why would she want to keep a buggy without a baby?
Finally why does she feel it needs to be cleaned is it stained badly? does she think you haven't been looking after it?

When my GC were young I had baby equipment that stayed at my house because it was much easier for my DD it meant she didnt need to bring anything when we were looking after them.

if it’s the same bugaboo I have, it’s a excellent tiny stroller for a quick pop to the shops, walk to the park etc but it’s got a tiny basket, so her other one may have a bigger basket she needs for food shopping/full days out where a big changing bag/lunch is needed. That’s what we used to do - switch between both depending on what we are doing.

she has said she can't afford to do that

Ugh.

Your MIL sounds like mine.

My in-laws are Spanish, living in Spain and whenever we visit, they shower my little boy with (usually terrible) gifts. However, my MIL has thrown many a fit when he wanted to take a toy back home to the UK. According to her logic, she buys him gifts for him to play at her place only 🤣
Trouble is, we visit them twice a year for a week so there’s a growing pile of toys that almost never get used 😂

I tried to reason with her explaining that gifts shouldn’t come with conditions attached but there’s no reasoning with some people.

Just shrug and move on. I bet your MIL gets off on drama and she wants to push your buttons to get your reaction 😒

OP - is she trying to take the old pram back to her house?

I don't understand.

But if she's taking the £400 buggaboo one - I'd absolutely buy a new one just to spite her.

I'd say well it's no good to me at your house so I bought one!

That's normal for couples who welcome the support of Grandparents, especially if they are involved with child care.

Reading posts like this & they are the majority, makes me so appreciative of my in-laws who were given the same respect as grandparents as my own parents. They had equal time with the children & both sets helped with child care. I couldn't bare to be involved with the petty bitterness I'm reading here. To me grandparents on both sides should be a huge part of our children's upbringing. There is something suspicious about this thread as is proven by the lack of responses from the OP.

I'm not sure what your post and quote of me has to do with anything?

The conversation isn't about how much time a grandparent from which side spends with the grandchild. Or about which side is given respect or not.

The grandma bought a pram. She's then decided to keep the pram at her house but also sulks if the OP uses her own pram. Creating a no-win scenario for the OP.

Grabbie Grandma is batshit - doesn't matter who is blood related to who, or who spends time with who.

So yes in that situation, I'd be throwing the so called gift (aka, attempt for control) back in her face and buying my own pram, the exact same one - wouldn't matter if it was my Mum, or my husbands Mum.

Deal with difficult people by not allowing them to dictate and control.

I do agree it's suspicious the OP hasn't returned though.

To be fair I was looking at the whole picture & your expression 'just to spite her' summarised the overall feelings in this thread.The pram scenario will simply be part of a far bigger picture.

The OP & her mil appear to be generally spiteful towards each other imo & probably for no reason other than that old green eyed monster that so often comes into play on both sides.

Blimey, a gift is a gift. She’s being really weird.

Your MIL sounds like a piece of work. Continually mentioning that she bought it is bad enough. Giving a pram as a present for a 1yo when you asked for no big gifts, and in any case, a toy might have been more appropriate is annoying too (even though it turns out you find it so useful you don't want to be without it now). But then wanting to take it away again? Bonkers.

So I am absolutely with you and I can see that the situation is very annoying - the bigger problem imo is not the pram, but the MIL.

I'd be tempted to let her do what she wants with it to prevent a family drama, replace it (or not) with whatever you most want to transport your child, and try not to let the fact that she is unhinged get to you - after all, you are more or less stuck with one another for the foreseeable future. I would also try not to get between your MIL and her son, who probably feels v conflicted and, don't forget, was brought up by her so may not see her the way you do.

Why, if she felt she needed to give a £400 gift to a one year old, did she not put the money into a bank account or something sensible like that with good interest for her grand child.

I’m a MIL and I think yours is nuts. This is where H should stand up for you and D….. but first …..
Why not take some flowers with a note that tells MIL just how fabulous and useful the pram is and would she like to come out for a walk with you and D.
Also tell her ALL your friends think the pram is wonderful and what a lovely MIL you have - say they’re all jealous of you and pram. Perhaps she thinks you don’t appreciate her and gift enough??

I’m so glad I’m not in this situation because I am so petty. Any gifts in the future, I’d be placing to the side and, when asked why we’re not using, I’d reply “I don’t want to get used to relying on any gifts MIL gives us because she has form for deciding that they’re “hers” and takes them back.”

but that would be VERY unhelpful.

Ask her bring back all the gifts you have bought her so they can be cleaned and kept safe at your house x

Agree, it’s tedious.

I’m confused because you mention if you use your “older stroller” your MIL gets in a huff, but then when you said you’re annoyed she took the one she brought, you weren’t happy because you use that one every day. So you either have another stroller you can use, or you don’t.

That aside, she sounds very hard work and I couldn’t be arsed with her either!

Fuck her she is an arsehole get another pram. She says it was a gift. A gift means it is no longer hers. She obviously needs to look up the meaning. Sod her not worth the grief. Tell her to keep it.

Hi Luvnhugs. I have read your post/s to Kerry & I was going to write to you my last night. I have had a MIL for 40yrs & I was a lovely young woman of only 19yrs when I married my husband & we are still happily married - & I had to endure a MIL who never liked me for no reason - but she favoured my SIL!....I feel you are unable to "put yourself into the OP/The Pink Crab's 'shoes' " - as you have a respectful/healthy relationship with your Inlaws. First of all - the OP requested that no (large?) presents were bought - that was the MIL's first disrespect. The MIL took the pram back to her place - not ideal either sadly. The MIL should of checked with her son & DIL if they were happy about her buying a "pram". Anyways despite the boundaries that were crossed - the OP/DIL appreciates/uses the pram (not sure about the "their own pram" being used?) - so I would not appreciate the gifted pram suddenly going home to my MIL's house (I wrote a post to, The Pink Crab, the other night!)....lastly - I disagree with your comment about the "green eyed monster" - I wanted to like/love my MIL like my own loving kind late mum - instead my MIL choses to have a closer relationship w/ our 2 grown daughters (MIL has 2 sons) which hurts - though I remain "respectable & support my husband". I do agree w/ you about "not be spiteful" - I think it comes across like that due to resentment/hurt/feeling unsupported & I know how that feels. So, before I head off to bed (10pm over here in N.Z.)...just thought I would write to you with my perspective. Best wishes from, Kiwi Grandma😘

What sort of a batshit gift is that for a 1 year old?

a pram that you’re not allowed to use?

What’s she going to do with it at her house? It’ll just sit there gathering dust. Just let her take it. You can pick up bugaboos on Facebook Marketplace for less than £100. And then she’ll be stuck with a useless bugaboo.

I appreciate your personal message. I do know how if feels to try hard to be liked and accepted by certain people to no avail & it does hurt. The point I was making in respect of the OP is the fact we don't know the whole picture, especially given she hasn't offered us more clarity or updated the original post. This is what made me suspicious of the real reason the Mil took the pram back. Sadly there are many threads initiated by DILs who appear to have spiteful MILs. I have no doubt in many cases this is true. It's also true there are many DILs who resent the special bond between a mother & son. It's been there since the day they were born. I'm obviously referring to sons who have had a stable & close relationship from childhood. Again I will say it's usually down to that green eyed monster on either or both sides depending on who is mostly spiteful within the in-laws dynamic.

Thank you, Luvnhugs, for your message which is appreciated as well! I'm sorry to hear that you have endured hurt😘similar to what I had written. I finally become assertive & no longer felt the need to be a people-pleaser. Yes, I agree we don't know the "whole picture" & I'm not sure why the OP/The Pink Crab, hasn't been back to revisit her post - though, something may have happened that the mum hasn't been back yet? You said you are "suspicious" about why the MIL took the pram back - though in my case my own MIL kept my wedding dress (shocking I know 😥). Her reason was so it was kept safe as we shifted from farm jobs. I was very upset at the time as I was newly married but I wasn't assertive (& I grew up being a obedient child) & so later I just gave up - though when I saw my dress in her closet years later it was wrapped up in a cloth & I said to my MIL it was always in a box which she denied😨. Anyway. the point behind "my story" IS that some MIL's not all can be quite intrusive, bossey & unkind sadly. I hope the OP can resolve this "pram issue" & like other members here have said her husband/MIL's son should be taking control of this situation & either have a chat to his Mum or buy themselves a new pram! Friday evening here in NZ. - so enjoy your Friday & weekend, Luvnhugs & All Mums here & take care from, Kiwi Grandma.😎