AIBU to tell MIL she can't keep her presents

[ThatPinkCrab]

DD turned 1 last month and we specifically said "no big gifts please, just spend time with her" on the invite. MIL ignored it and turned up with a £400 Bugaboo pram "because our granddaughter deserves the best". We were genuinely grateful at the time and made a big deal of her opening it. Now the problem is, she acts like it’s still hers. Every visit it’s "that’s MY pram, I bought it" and if we use our older stroller instead she sulks for the rest of the day.

Last Sunday she actually tried to put it in her car to "take it home to give it a clean and keep it safe at hers". I had to physically block the boot. She looked genuinely shocked and said "but I paid for it, it’s my gift to her". DH thinks I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and says "just let her have it, it’ll keep the peace". But that pram is the one we use every single day for nursery, shops, walks. I can’t be without it, and I’m not buying a second £400 one just so MIL feels ownership.

I don’t want to be ungrateful and I know she meant well, but a gift is a gift right? Once you give it, you don’t get to keep control of it. I’m planning to tell her firmly but politely that the pram lives at our house and she can’t take it. DH is calling me ungrateful and says I’ll ruin their relationship.

She sounds crazy. Let her take it home. Once they get out of proper baby stage basic, lightweight pushchairs are best anyway.

She sounds awful, but frankly I'd be picking battles, and letting her take the bloody buggy. It will never stop being the ground zero of a power struggle with her, and I'd drop the rope. If she has this little regard for boundaries you will have bigger fish to fry in the years ahead.

Never get into battles of wits with unarmed opponents.

Get another buggy, let her take that one, and just tell her you don't have space for two so her buggy lives at her place.

As your daughter lives at yours, it won't be getting much use, but if she wants the decor, let her knock herself out.

I can see why you're conflicted, OP.

It's crazy that a perfectly good pram at MIL's will just be siting there unused. She gave you a gift, you got used to it for your baby, it now belongs to you.

People calling you 'unhinged' for wanting to keep your own property are typical DIL blamers.

I think if you do give the pram back, your DH should be clear to MIL that she is not to give any more presents to your child because she has proved that she is the type of person who will give a gift and then demand it back.

Are you purposely using the old one infront of her to shit stir and she doesn't realise your actually using the one she bought its odd you use the new one on a daily but infront of her you used the old one

What's up with people, we've just had the poor lady who was gifted her grandmother's ring from her father who wanted it back for his new girlfriend, now this nonsense! And I'm sorry to say that it's my own generation of boomers doing it. What they don't take into consideration is the erosion of the relationship afterwards, surely ? In short OP, a gift is a gift, the pram is yours (well, your LO's), and that's that.

Presumably you had a pram before she brought it? Go back to that!

Your MIL is being unreasonable trying ti take it away, that’s just nuts and huge waste of £400. But I also don’t understand why you haven’t used it when she visits, therefore causing her to sulk?
Does she think it’s not being used and appreciated so she might as well keep it at hers?
Or were you going somewhere that a smaller pram would be more practical and she just didn’t get that?

So if I give you something you didnt think you needed / or didnt need at the time, I can take it back even if you are using it?

Hi ThatPinkCrab! I personally would say to your MIL that it makes no sense for her to keep the pram at her house - make her feel important by adding that you love & appreciate her thoughtful present & that the pram is being used everyday! Also, you don't wish to buy a similar pram & so could she please return the/her pram she bought your darling daughter for you all to enjoy! (We bought our grandchildren a fold-up table for inside or outside - then later on our daughter re-gifted the table to our other daughter w/ her young children.) Being assertive & having boundaries is the key & yes I agree with you once a family member gives a gift they can't just take ownership back & also dictate which pram you use. Best of luck from, Kiwi Grandma😊

I was wondering if the bugaboo is so great my anything else is being used at all?

Let her take it. When it’s sat in her house not being used you’ll get it back. You stated you have another one, use that one.

Use your own and give hers back to her.
She wants to play games? Dont play with her.
Tell her to keep her property.

If you are physically fighting your mother in law over a pram then the relationship is already over. I'd give it back

She sounds nuts and you aren't being unreasonable. I'd let her take the trashy overpriced pushchair or better still sell it and buy yourself a different one. Don't invite her over again.

I would just suggest she keeps it at her house and buy yourself a cheap alternative if needed. Disengage from the drama!

The £400 bugaboos are the buggy type. The actual prams start at about £1500 I have bought loads of prams/pushchairs for my children over years (5 kids 2 grandchildren bought both their prams/car seats) the pram/pushchair always stays with the baby. You can clean it yourself she’s being weird and possibly possessive if she continues ask her if she would like her empty pram back and you will buy her a doll for it. it’s not a toy it’s equipment needed for daily life and if she tries to take it again you will have to replace it and return hers she can’t control it once your using it.
Op has probably put the previous pram away (loft) as no room to have 2 out mil needs to be told to leave it alone or take it home as she’s being weird by her son.
Bugaboo have a beautiful pink one with cherries on the hood newly released In butterfly range (I think) I think if grandma tries to take it again your husband feels like you should ignore her he should buy daughter a replacement to save the peace. 😉

I’m not saying I agree with her!

Clearly a pram (though I think I would call it a pushchair) is a necessity, but presumably the MIL thought this particular one was a luxury item given that she said her granddaughter deserved the best.

Come to echo the question, why buy a pram for a 1 year old? Most of the use would have been in the first year.

Let her take it back, but every time she gives any of you a gift, before you open it say, “Now MiL, before I open this and get too excited, can I just check: is this mine to keep, or will you be taking it back to yours?”

So you don't really disagree because you provide a list. I agree with having too much junk whole heartedly.

Sadly this 🤔

She hasn’t put the old one in the loft, she says she’s used it in front of MIL!

If you substitute the word ‘control’ for the word ‘pram’ I think it helps. You didn’t want her to give your one year old a present, which is controlling - because for lots of grandparents, giving presents is one of the limited ways they can interact when babies are small. And she obviously wants to be active in your baby’s life. So she gave you a pram. Some people think it’s batshit after a year, but I think it was rather clever (and equally controlling of her)… she found a way to get round the present ban by giving something that she hoped would be useful to you and she was correct, it is. Only, although you use it every day and say it’s become essential, you still seem to resent her giving it - at least you present it that way in your op. Did you take her aside at some point and say thank you for such a helpful and unexpected present that you didn’t know you needed and now use daily?

I think I would have done that because clearly you both have a difficult relationship with each other and the pram has become the ‘thing’ you are fighting over, when clearly it’s about your Mil’s role in your baby’s life. (And I assume that’s why she’s done the batshit thing of trying to take it back.) Anyway, the important thing is not the pram, but your baby, who will be picking up on these tensions and will soon be learning all about the ways of passive aggression and just open aggression as a way of organising their relationships. And although its decades ago, I still remember my mum and granny arguing about some pointless issue over Christmas cards and how it made me feel uncomfortable.

So my suggestion is to allow some space for your mil to develop an independent relationship with your baby, she’ll stop
doing the batshit stuff, you will get to keep the pram and everyone will benefit.

Lets just say I'd like to hear what MIL's version is.

I think thst would depend on the state of the pram. When I was much younger I didn’t particularly take care of things like I do now, and if my mother in law had seen that I wasn’t looking after a very expensive present she had given me, and it was getting filthy/damaged, then she would have definitely taken it back to clean it. Im not saying that IS what has happened here, but suggesting it’s possible. I don’t think my pram ever got grubby - I cleaned it regularly and it looked like new when I came to sell it.