AIBU to tell MIL she can't keep her presents

[ThatPinkCrab]

DD turned 1 last month and we specifically said "no big gifts please, just spend time with her" on the invite. MIL ignored it and turned up with a £400 Bugaboo pram "because our granddaughter deserves the best". We were genuinely grateful at the time and made a big deal of her opening it. Now the problem is, she acts like it’s still hers. Every visit it’s "that’s MY pram, I bought it" and if we use our older stroller instead she sulks for the rest of the day.

Last Sunday she actually tried to put it in her car to "take it home to give it a clean and keep it safe at hers". I had to physically block the boot. She looked genuinely shocked and said "but I paid for it, it’s my gift to her". DH thinks I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and says "just let her have it, it’ll keep the peace". But that pram is the one we use every single day for nursery, shops, walks. I can’t be without it, and I’m not buying a second £400 one just so MIL feels ownership.

I don’t want to be ungrateful and I know she meant well, but a gift is a gift right? Once you give it, you don’t get to keep control of it. I’m planning to tell her firmly but politely that the pram lives at our house and she can’t take it. DH is calling me ungrateful and says I’ll ruin their relationship.

I think this sums up the thread

I had to physically block the boot

No, no, no. Don't do this. You didn't have to do this at all, and if you continue engaging with a woman that you feel is nuts in this way, you're as nuts as she is, and your DP is right.

The only way to deal with this is to disengage, and get yourself into a position where you're not reliant on her or anything she gives you so there's no push/pull going on.

She's taking the pram? Fine, let her take the pram, whatever. You use the other one that you've got, and sometimes still use anyway. If she tries to bring it back, tell her to keep it at her house, all good. If she insists, stick it in the porch/shed/wherever, folded up and leave it there.

As long as she's got something she thinks you want she's got a line into you and you're playing along nicely at the moment, you need to stop.

She bought a pram for a one year old? Do you mean a pushchair/buggy? Why would she wait until DD was one - surely that’s a gift for a newborn? I don’t understand why, either, you are still using your old buggy, particularly when MIL is around, if you have this new one? You say it’s what you use every day for nursery, shops etc, so when were you using the old one and upsetting her? I can understand her thinking that if you’re not using it, she’s taking it to hers for DD to use - you will have to make it very very clear that you use it every day; you’re most grateful for,the gift, and you can’t manage without it. I’m afraid you’ve handled all this very badly, OP, and a stand up row with MIL preventing her from putting it in her boot, when from her POV you were using the old buggy in preference to her present, is hardly likely to improve relations between you and MIL.

Tell her to stick it. DGD has a 'big pram.' Her other GM bought a (slightly cheaper) lightweight Silver Cross stroller. It's perfect for holidays and days out.
I was surprised to find out she keeps it at her house and DGD can only borrow it.
We all have our own car seats. I have just bought an identical stroller to the one DIL's DM bought. I didn't do it in a P/A way. I just found it difficult dragging the 'big pram' around and benefit from having access to a lightweight one . It doesn't stay at my house. I'd only use it a few times a month, but this way DGD has it and it's always there for a quick trip out where I benefit..
it was only with the purchase of these strollers that I realised I buy gifts (highchair, travel cot, etc ) that are freely given, stay at DS/DIL's home and benefits DGD. The other GM buys duplicates that stay with her.

This. I can't believe all the responses calling the OP unhinged.

It was a gift, it is now yours OP. It's no good to anyone sitting in your MIL's house.

Ultimately, yes, you have a DH problem.

She sounds nuts. But buy a decent buggy that you can use for everything and let her keep it where it won’t get used much.

If you give a gift it’s up to the recipient what they do with it. It’s a strange gift for a 1 year old. Putting that money in savings for her would have been better!

She is totally mad. Honestly your DH’s behaviour is as mad as hers.

People saying it’s weird that you are now reliant on the new pram you didn’t want instead of the old one….the only bugaboo pram at that price point is the butterfly so I’m guessing it’s that one. I got one when DS was 1 for holiday and the first day I used it was the last day I ever used the big and bulky egg that I had beforehand. It’s not weird to favour one over the other.

Your MIL is weird but my mother is the same. Every gift is fixated upon and must be shown every time she comes. I’d rather she didn’t get anything.

I think I would just let her take it away and pop onto marketplace. You can get some great ones second hand. Leave it where she can see it and say absolutely nothing when she comes around. Less attention and talk of it the better, people like her thrive on the control so just quietly take it away.

Mydelf and lots of other parents had a very expensive pram for newborn ( £1500 Icandy in my case ) , as soon as child was old enough they went in a £50 Joie pushchair that was much easier and smaller to transport , I certainly wasn’t the only one in my friendship group .
It baffles me that OP hasn’t already got a cheaper buggy hanging around that she can use .

Your mil and dh are in the wrong here.
I bought a pushchair for first dgc.
My dil used it to transport hay to the horses.
I said nothing because it belonged to them not me but I was furious inside.
So I went out and bought another pushchair and didn't give it to them. If we were asked to mind dgc we used our pushchair and then returned it to our boot.

Let her take the pram home. Use the previous one and never mention that one again.

The whole thing sounds very odd. You’d think if she wanted to buy a gift like this, she’d have gifted you this before you had your child!!
it would also irritate me that she wanted to give the gift then take it back too. If I were you, I’d be inclined to tell her that she could take her granddaughters gift back if she wished. However, it would then have to remain there, as it’s was wholly unreasonable for her to keepi giving it , then demanding the pram back. This is not in the spirit of gifting, as the pram wasn’t for your child, it was a gift for granny. Your husband also needs to give his head a wobble. He needs to advocate for his wife and child. The fact that he’s that pathetic would give me the ivk.

This.

12 months old is time for a lightweight cheap pushchair. Less bulk and less space.

If MiL takes a bulky liability off the OPs hands she's doing her a favour.

Clearly she is unreasonable to want the pram back.

It sounds to me that she sees it as a luxury item and is disappointed that you are not looking after it well enough and treating it with the respect she thinks it deserves if, after only a month, it needs a clean and to be kept ‘safe’.

She sounds absolutely bat shit. I wouldn't invite her round if she's going to be hard work. Why not ask her if she understands the concept of a gift?

Telling grandparents not to buy presents is weird and a little cruel

That's life with a pram! They might be expensive but they're not a luxury good, they're a necessity. The OP no doubt has enough to do without having to making sure the pram is spotless when her MIL imposes herself visits.

Let her take it and get a second hand pram off market place/ebay etc
I would have cheerfully loaded it into the boot and told her she is welcome to keep ‘her pram’ at her house…

YABU. Let her take it and use your old pram. Don’t have to say thank you for what you don’t have.

She is weird, don’t get me wrong. But it stops the argument and her silly shenanigans.

Sounds like MIL wants to be forever acknowledged that she has bought something good and useful.... and you resent that.

It could be potentially resolved if you said something like ' this pram is absolutely amazing we use it all the time. Something we never knew we needed has turned out so brilliant. Thank you' on repeat.

But now she has taken it, don't get arsey. Just simply say next time ' so miss the pram you bought for DD!' and that's it. Because you do miss it. And then move on.

I disagree. I’ve been drowning in crap including dangerous toys from Temu for years with my kids. It gets really overwhelming having so much plastic junk everywhere.

I will send out an Amazon wish list of some toys I know she’ll play with or ask for time. Because otherwise a lot of it goes to waste and clogs up our really small home.

Edit: I also get so much stuff second hand or free that we have enough due to overconsumption with kids things.

Weird replies here. It's a gift, of course MIL doesn't get to just take it back whenever she wants to??

I wouldn’t bother getting into this drama. Just use your old one and let her take it. Then if she complains you aren’t using her one just say well I can’t use it at your house. If she brings it back just keep using your old one and say well we are used to using this one now. It’s a gift that’s not really a gift. She got it to show off and exert some control.

I think it’s a control thing. Maybe this is why OP didn’t ask for monetary gifts in the first place as it seems to come with caveats.

So if you now use the bugaboo everyday, what happened to what you were using before you gt it & why can't you still use that?

The whole thing sounds ridiculous but honesty if my MIL kept on about something she had bought I'd be glad to see the back of it.