AIBU to tell MIL she can't keep her presents

[ThatPinkCrab]

DD turned 1 last month and we specifically said "no big gifts please, just spend time with her" on the invite. MIL ignored it and turned up with a £400 Bugaboo pram "because our granddaughter deserves the best". We were genuinely grateful at the time and made a big deal of her opening it. Now the problem is, she acts like it’s still hers. Every visit it’s "that’s MY pram, I bought it" and if we use our older stroller instead she sulks for the rest of the day.

Last Sunday she actually tried to put it in her car to "take it home to give it a clean and keep it safe at hers". I had to physically block the boot. She looked genuinely shocked and said "but I paid for it, it’s my gift to her". DH thinks I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and says "just let her have it, it’ll keep the peace". But that pram is the one we use every single day for nursery, shops, walks. I can’t be without it, and I’m not buying a second £400 one just so MIL feels ownership.

I don’t want to be ungrateful and I know she meant well, but a gift is a gift right? Once you give it, you don’t get to keep control of it. I’m planning to tell her firmly but politely that the pram lives at our house and she can’t take it. DH is calling me ungrateful and says I’ll ruin their relationship.

Oh good grief, this is the kind of stuff I just can't be arsed with anymore.
Sulking if you don't use the pram one day and have the audacity to use another as a one off?!
I'd just let her take it, and then buy another.
If she kicks off, say "well, with you having that one at yours, I thought it best to get one that's reliably here and I can use whenever.
We'll use this one now, and you keep that at yours."
Then act oblivious to any incoming sulks.

This is unhinged OP. I don’t know why so many posts are struggling with it too! MIL bought a great pram, you’ve come to rely on it as your day to day pram but still have your old stroller too. We had a similar set up - the ‘good’ pram was the workhorse but they’d be chucked in the stroller to just go over to the park.

A gift is a gift and once she gifted that to your family, it’s yours. Even referring to it as ‘mine’ when she comes over is weird but trying to take it home with her when it’s something you now use all the time is fucking insane. Does she have your daughter at her house a lot, is she annoyed she didn’t keep it so she had a stroller to hand when she has her? My Mum had my kids once or twice a week and we found a fab second hand pram she kept at her house.

Anyway, stick to your guns. It’s yours!! It was a gift, not a loan!

She's nuts. And you have a DH problem too.

This really.

I mean MIL is clearly batshit but I wouldn’t fight her, I’d just say it’s one or the other, and replace if needs be.

I'm confused, you don't want her to take it back yet you make a point of using your old stroller when she's there yet you use it every day and need it?

Sounds like you're baiting her by pulling out the old one when she's around.

Be grateful.

Let her take it and buy another one.
Then when she gets mad say you needed it and it wasn’t available!!

I feel this particular situation is difficult to read due to not having the mil perspective.

It's common knowledge that a mil often feels she is walking on eggshells when communicating with her DIL for fear of offending her & vice versa. It's undeniable there can be sheer bitches on both sides of the coin & here on the threads it's not surprising both the DIL & mil will support their own kind. When that old green monster comes out to play the situation never ends well unless those on the receiving end are extremely tolerant & find ways of understanding the reasons & trying to resolve it. Being bitter & holding grudges is never a good example to the children involved.

In an ideal situation parents & Grandparents both maternal & paternal work together as a team. Children then benifit from being nurtured with love & attention from them all.

This is weird. She can’t take back a present but also it sounds Iike a present for you rather than your daughter. Your dh needs to explain that you want to use it Doncaster she not take it.

but is it really dirty? Is she upset that she spent a lot of money on something that she thinks you’re not looking after?

Let her have it back and just buy whatever you were going to buy in the first place. Doesn't have to be expensive. You were going to get one anyway, so just do that. MIL is the fool who would have spent £400 on something that doesn't get used. I understand that a gift is a gift, but if it isn't given freely and comes with baggage and conditions, then is it really worth having?

This is bizarre. I'm not sure how PP are even understanding the MIL's perspective.

Once you have given a gift to someone, you don't keep bringing it up and reminding them of how much you paid for it constantly and making the gift the entire focus of your time spent with them. That would make most people feel very awkward and uncomfortable. I'd just give the pram back because this is too weird and petty to be bothered with (but I imagine that she'll also have an issue with you giving it back to her and see that as ungrateful). You really can't win in this situation, OP.

Well either you want it or you don't. You sounded like you didn't when she appeared with it and you like using the old one.

So surely it's good if she sees it as hers. Tell her to keep it at her house then.

Some (unpleasant) people give extravagant gifts for a sense of control. What’s your relationship like with her generally?

Doubt is be letting her have the baby on her own to put in it. Sounds mad.

YANBU but if you have another pram I’d just let her have it and use the other one, don’t allow the new one back in your house. You weren’t expecting it and I couldn’t be dealing with her acting that way.

What's she actually planning on doing with it at her home?

I genuinely don't understand what's making her think it's hers to take. Weird.

I would tell MIL she CAN keep it and never ever use it again.
If your old pram is not up to every day use, why not look for a second hand version of the good one, or a similar more robust pram?
MIL would no doubt be horrified, but that would be an bonus dig at her (I can be petty).

Why don't you ask her then? Oh, you can't because this is Mumsnet and we only ever get one side of the story. It's such a pointless thing to say while implying that OP is a liar whose version of events can't be trusted.

I’d let her take it and even if she returns it at some stage, I’d never use it again.

I’d never get into a conversation about gifts with her in the future - if she asks what to buy, just say you haven’t a clue, never tell her what you intend buying for your DD, say thank you for future gifts in a matter of fact way but show no actual interest in them.

I'd let her take it and tell her next time she's popping over, to bring the Christmas and birthday presents recently gifted, cause apparently that's the done thing with gifts now, give them then take them back for safe keeping. She sounds mental and your husband is a bit of a wet wipe wanting to pander to her madness.

I would give it back and tell her and your dh that under no circumstances does it come back to your house, you don’t want it then I would buy mil a dolly as a present so that she can push that around herself! But that’s just me 🙄🤪 she sounds nuts

I don’t get why you would use the old stroller and mil giving you evils

why didn’t you use the one she gave you

I’m confused do you want the pram or not? You started by saying you didn’t ask for it and she turned up with it unexpectedly, you’ve been using your old stroller and she’s been getting grumpy and wants to take the one she bought back? I don’t understand if you didn’t want it in the first place why she can’t take it? Surely you want it out of your house?

Or have you changed your mind/using the pram regularly now and want to keep it?

DH is calling me ungrateful and says I’ll ruin their relationship.

WTAF am I reading here? This is bonkers!
It's a pram. It should live where the baby lives. Simples!

I do think you have a DH problem tbh. You need to sort that out (and he needs to tell his mum to behave), otherwise you'll be dealing with this sort of issue for the rest of your married life.

Your husband is partly right it will ruin the relationship. Your MIL is acting like a kiddo, could be the hype of having a grandchild or could be that she is being and annoying person all her life. You know her better. Now the facts, she is silly about the pram, let her take it and get another one. She can worship that pram in her spare time if she wish and you won't depend on her mood to have a pram for the baby.
There is a term in MN for annoying brides bridecillas, well your MIL is a grandmothercillar.

Have you thought about lion poo, OP?