AIBU to think 21 and 27 is not a problem?

[nettienana]

DD21 has a new boyfriend who is 27. Recently met him - can't fault him, thought he was lovely.
Was out for lunch with a group of close friends yesterday, of course they were asking questions about him. Mentioned how old he was in answer to a question and it went down a bit weird - they were quite disapproving and saying it was a worry he is dating a 21 year old, says a lot he can't find someone his own age, they are at total different stages of life etc. One said she wouldn't allow it if it was her daughter! Lots of glances at each other, you know when you are very aware a topic is about to be discussed behind your back...

To be honest I hadn't thought it was an issue at all, if anything I thought a much better fit for DD to be with someone a bit older and more mature as she's ended up hurt a more than once by lads her own age (not saying she wouldn't be hurt by someone older). I do accept early twenties and late twenties are quite different phases of life, but DD has always been mature and independent. Obviously she is still a 21 year old, likes her friends and going out here and there, but she lives away, works, is doing a masters etc.

I know it doesn't matter what others think obviously, but naturally it has worried me a little bit. What would you think if it was your DD?

I was 18 when I met my husband and he was 23. Still together 27 years later. I don’t see a issue with it!

You have weird friends. Do any of them have adult children? They are in for a shock when they do if not. If they have...their children have got very good at hiding things from them which is sad (and not great parenting)

Thanks everyone for replies, really helpful and reassuring.

Friends aren't normally judgemental like this, but I would say they are quite easily scandalised. I think part of it comes from most of them having DC a bit younger and they have been 'shocked' by things my DC have done in the past, but I think they'll learn when theirs get to the ages mine are!

I do think it's a good point about possible power imbalances, obviously it's early so no alarm bells yet and at the end of the day nothing I can really do, it's DD's relationship. He is quite set up in his career which I think DD likes, she is still studying and working part time, maybe a possibility of her being undermined or having to rush her 20s etc. I do think DD has her head screwed on, never been one to suffer fools but equally this is new territory for her. I'll bear it in mind definitely but I suppose all hypotheticals at the moment as it's early.

It fine assuming it’s a good relationship and they are at the right places in life and the right maturity levels.

When we started dating Dh was 21 and I had just turned 28. 😳 We met working abroad. I was doing an internship after finishing my master’s and he was doing his uni placement year. Dh was NOT your typical 21 year old though. He was (still is) very sensible and mature, definitely more than me. 😂

6 months in, we discussed marriage and children and made a plan for a life together. We got married when Dh was 24 and had our eldest when he was 25. 18 years later, still very happy and well suited to each other. But despite the age gap, the thing that made this relationship different than all the ones before is that we had very similar values and ambitions and both were very committed to a life we planned together from really early on. We were very compatible and that’s why it’s worked so well.

As a parent now, I don’t think I’d be too worried about my own dc with a similar age gap, but I would be panicking hard internally if they were planning marriage and babies like we were. It was absolutely the right choice for us, but I think we were probably the exception. I think most people should wait till late 20s early 30s for that (but since I was early 30s and I was the one carrying the babies, we didn’t want to delay, which was a good decision for us).

21 and 27 can be seen as a big gap, if one of the couple is particularly immature and isn't on par with the other with regards to their priorities in life. A 21 year old might want to spend large portions of their time with friends, clubbing etc, not looking for a serious relationship. Whereas a 27 year old may be beginning to think about a more serious long-term relationship, likes spending time with friends but gravitates towards their partner and is losing interest in doing things like clubbing etc.

It really depends on your daughter, compared to her boyfriend. If she's mature, living away from home, studying for her Masters, then perhaps she's on par with her boyfriend.

I dated someone at 29 and he was 25. Only a 4 year age gap, and we were poles apart with regards to our priorities. He wasn't interested in a long-term serious relationship, liked seeing his friends a lot, and we didn't have loads in common. The relationship fizzled out because we weren't at the same stage in life.

It's not about age, it's about their priorities, outlook on life, how they view the future and how they see the relationship.

Your friends are being absolutely ridiculous. 21 and 27 is definitely not completely different life stages. Did they mishear you and think you said 47?

They’re infantilising your daughter and making him out to be a predator.
And your friend who said she wouldn’t allow it if it was her daughter needs to take a look in the mirror if she doesn’t want her daughter to be around people who aren’t right for her.

I don't even see that as icky tbh, 16/ 17 + 22/23 let alone OP's friends' weird reaction.

This is the correct answer.

Wow! That's a bit judgemental, I was 28 and my husband was 21 when we met, and we've been together for 26 years. My parents and my brother and wife also have similar age gaps.

I'm still much less mature and responsible than my husband 😀

Think it's fine. Better to judge on what sort of person he is. Rule is half your age plus seven for the youngest person you should date

Why is it a good starting point, whats the rationale? Explain it?

Why not half your age and 4 or half your age and 11

Why not quarter of your age and 7, or third of your age and 11

What rationale is there for the measurement you think is a 'good starting point'? What do those numbers even mean?

I was 23 when I met my late husband, he was days away from his 30th birthday.
He was also separated, his wife had walked out on him and gone back to her mother.
We were together for 54 years, married for 52.

5 yrs between me and my DH we met when i was 22 and he was 27 been married 22 years together 26 your friends are ridiculous sorry nothing wrong with it at all if she were 15 or 16 then yes i would be worried but she is 21 an adult lived some life understands life so no at 21 a 6 yr age gap is not an issue

I met my husband when I was 20 and he was 26,we married later that year, when i was 21.been married 35 years very happily.

DH and I had the same age gap and met at university.
I was never interested in the lads my own age, as far as I was concerned they were a bunch of idiots. I was delighted to meet someone who had their shit together and wasn’t just messing about. I had no time for that shit, I had things to do.

I’d think that is fine. A friend’s daughter is 21 and in a relationship with a 36 year old. Absolutely none of my business so I haven’t said anything to her but I do find that a bit worrying. Not the age difference per se but the younger person being quite so young.

My 23 year old is dating a 32 year old. In some ways she is more mature than him.

Your friends are ridiculous, a 21 year old lad would be quite immature and probably would not suit your DD whether a 27 year old man is probably better suited to her. Good luck to them.

On the whole Mumsnet is weird about ages. I'm 7 years older than my DH, been together 37 years. Met at work
I married my first h at 18 (naive and pregnant) so my oldest DD is only 13 years younger than DH. Friends have a 20 year age gap,he's fat,bald and rude,she absolutely adores him, she's blond and attractive (no,he's not loaded!)

Ok, let's take your alternative suggestions with the eldest in the relationship 16, 18, 26 and 40. Would these pairings sound in the vague realms of socially acceptable (or legal) to you

• half your age and 4:16yo could date a 12yo, the 18yo a 13yo, a 26yo a 17yo and at 40 a 24yo. The first two are illegal, the third seems a bit of imo and the 4th on but quite substantial gap at that age.

• half your age and 11: 16yo couldn't date someone their own age, only over 19 (but the 19yo would need then to be over 20.5), the 18yo could only date 20+, but the 20yo couldn't date them until they were 21, a 26yo a 24yo and a 31yo. Backwards and convoluted when young and too small a range when a young adult. Doesn't work m.

• Why not quarter of your age and 7: the 16yo could date 11+, the 18yo a 11.5yo, the 26 a 13.5yo and the 40yo finally makes it into legal but definitely icky with a minimum age of

17. It's pretty obvious why this formula doesn't work.

• or third of your age plus 4. The 16yo could date a 9yo, the 18yo a 10yo, the 26yo a 12.7yo and a 40yo just makes it into legal but icky again at 17.

So it's clear that no-one of those even remotely make sense. In comparison with half ages plus 7, the 16yo had a minimum age of 15 (which makes sense for both) and could be in the same school year etc, 18 is 16, so both advice age of consent but still teenagers, similar life stages etc. 26 would be 20, so both young adults out of their teens, and 40 is from 27 as the age gap matters less and people work and socialise with a large range of ages.

Not perfect, more law, but a vaguely decent first starting point especially for teenagers.

And yes, I'm really bored doing bedtime 😂

They're being ridiculous

Your friends would’ve spoke about me then ha ha!

19 when I met my now husband, he was 27 with 2 kids… oh how I know my parents were concerned! Pleased to say married 19yrs, together 23 years.

I’m sure your daughter and him will do just fine if it’s meant to be

Exactly! Treating a grown woman like a child. If a man did this, we'd call him paternalistic. What would she do if her daughter wanted to become a soldier, travelling abroad in dangerous circumstances? Not allow it?

A 6 year gap is perfectly normal. At 21 my boyfriend was 30. We were together 5 years. My ex husband who I met when I was 28 was 35. We were together 20 years. I am still friends with both of them. The age gap was never an issue.