AIBU to think 21 and 27 is not a problem?

[nettienana]

DD21 has a new boyfriend who is 27. Recently met him - can't fault him, thought he was lovely.
Was out for lunch with a group of close friends yesterday, of course they were asking questions about him. Mentioned how old he was in answer to a question and it went down a bit weird - they were quite disapproving and saying it was a worry he is dating a 21 year old, says a lot he can't find someone his own age, they are at total different stages of life etc. One said she wouldn't allow it if it was her daughter! Lots of glances at each other, you know when you are very aware a topic is about to be discussed behind your back...

To be honest I hadn't thought it was an issue at all, if anything I thought a much better fit for DD to be with someone a bit older and more mature as she's ended up hurt a more than once by lads her own age (not saying she wouldn't be hurt by someone older). I do accept early twenties and late twenties are quite different phases of life, but DD has always been mature and independent. Obviously she is still a 21 year old, likes her friends and going out here and there, but she lives away, works, is doing a masters etc.

I know it doesn't matter what others think obviously, but naturally it has worried me a little bit. What would you think if it was your DD?

You said your daughter is mature so I don’t see a problem here.

Your friend who ‘wouldn’t allow’ this, hahaha I’d LOVE to know how she would have put a stop to it.

Hope you have other friends who are not so bloody judgemental!

I think it's absolutely fine. But I might have slight reservations depending on the individuals involved. If the younger person was especially naive and inexperienced in relationships they could find themselves out of their depth.

But then you can be 35 and still have that happen.

I was 21 when I met my DH, who was 31 with a five year old and an ex wife. Wasn’t a problem and I’d have been livid if I’d found out my mum’s friends were discussing it. Give her some privacy !

The happiest marriage I know is between my friend who met her DH at 21 and he was 35. I don’t see the issue. Surely him being decent man is far more important. As others have said, I’d love to see your friends ‘stop’ any sort of relationship at that age anyway! She’s an adult. Great way to alienate your DD!

I was 23 when I met my 29 year old wife.

We've been together 15 years now.

I do think its a life stages thing. My wife at 23 was finishing uni but I was living in a flat on my own as a graduate with a full time job so I dont think I would have done it in reverse.

DW has been slightly slower to mature, so I was worried that I would mature and she would be stuck the same. Luckily that didnt happen and we have been in pretty much the same progression just with different ages

A 21 year old is an adult. It's not a problem if they want to date a 27 year old, a 57 year old or an 87 year old.

Honestly depends on the people. My DN is 21 and she’s autistic, if she had a neurotypical 27 year old bf I would maybe be a bit concerned, but for the majority of 21 year olds I’d think it was fine. If he earns loads more or has some other kind of huge advantage over her then I’d keep an eye on that but most of the time I’d think this was fine.

Um no.
You aren't the posting police.

No one is saying it's a strict rule, but IMO it's a good starting point. You are of course entitled to your own opinion, but not too prevent me from expressing mine.

My Dad was 19 and my mum 24 when they met. Age never been an issue.

If she was 11 and he was 17 absolutely not but they're in their 20’s so not sure what the problem is? TBH men are often emotionally less mature than women so the age gap probably means they’re in the same place emotionally!

They're both consenting adults, what's the problem?
People really infantilise young adults now and it's not good.

I know. Lock her in the attic?!
Ridiculous.

22 and 27 is absolutrly fine, honestly this stuff about tiny age differences is mad.

The "different life stages" thing is also a bit odd. When i met Mr Momkey I was 27 and flat sharing, he was 36 and owned his flat and had a 8 year old son. Here we are 20 years later. No exploitation or drama.

True, my DH is 8 years older than me, we've been together decades.
It really is silly when it's about adults.

Mumsnet is the only place I've ever seen people jump up and down so frantically about age gaps in relationships. There's some people here absolutely obsessed with them being bad, even when the age gap is small (which it certainly is here).

On another recent thread, someone was even trying to argue that "half your age plus seven" should be enshrined in law. It's not a "rule" and never has been, it's just something a French writer came up with in the early 1900s.

I met my DH at 23 and he was 37. We’ve been together over 30 years.

Absolutely. Plus that algorithm is touted as gospel! Such nonsense.

The amount of 30 old women I know who are with partners of a similar age. They’re ready to settle down and yet their boyfriends aren’t.

If anything I’d say 21 and 27 is perfect (not pushing them together/writing their whole futures), but a few years to have fun together, settle down, plan a wedding and then start a family. No need to rush to anything and hopefully non of the girl ready to settle down at 30 but he’s still not ready, then frantically trying to find someone who is ready.

I know, like it's universally accepted and has some scientific merit! It's ridiculous, it means absolutely nothing.

I think some people have read it and maybe think it sounds about right so keep sharing it.

Your friends sound ridiculous. It's no age gap at all. Surely it's more bizarre for a grown adult in the world of work to only socialise and sleep with people within a year of their own age?!

I think age gaps stop mattering that much when you are in your twenties. Unless you are particularly naive or vulnerable, you have a good idea of what and who you like. I wouldn't for a second consider two adults in their twenties as having an age gap relationship anyway. I met my husband at 24, he was 31. The seven years never crossed my mind as an issue, and my parents certainly never commented on it. Anyway, 16 years of marriage later and no regrets.

Going against the grain here, my ds is 26 and he had a woman lie to him and say she was 24, turns out she was 20 and didn't want to say becauae she thought she was too young for him.

He said it felt weird and didn't want to be with someone at a different life stage.

Obviously also didn't continue with her because she lied.

Edited to add he said he doesn't mind the age gap if they were in their 30s, it's more to do with their life stages.

Is this for real? Lol. If it is your friends are nuts. Perfectly normal gap at that age.

An age gap of 6 years is nothing when you are in your 30s, 40s, 50s, ... When you are in your teens it is a massive issue, imagine a 12 year old going out with an 18 year old. The reason why we are worried about the age gap is, that we are worried, that the younger partner (usually the woman) will be exploited, groomed, ... And that the power dynamic is shifted towards the older partner.

In your 20s I think it can be ok, or not. However you cannot "not allow it", as they are both legally adults.

If your DD is mature, then can you have a general conversation with her about pros and cons of age gaps, which age gaps might really become an issue? Chat to her, whether she gets along with his "older" friends (male or female) ...., does she miss out out doing things a 21 year old does? Whether his life/career choices impact her?
Keep on chatting to her, which it seems like you are doing anyway. Keep it light, just stay in contact, not make an issue of it. If there are actual issues, then help her deal with those.