AIBU to think 21 and 27 is not a problem?

[nettienana]

DD21 has a new boyfriend who is 27. Recently met him - can't fault him, thought he was lovely.
Was out for lunch with a group of close friends yesterday, of course they were asking questions about him. Mentioned how old he was in answer to a question and it went down a bit weird - they were quite disapproving and saying it was a worry he is dating a 21 year old, says a lot he can't find someone his own age, they are at total different stages of life etc. One said she wouldn't allow it if it was her daughter! Lots of glances at each other, you know when you are very aware a topic is about to be discussed behind your back...

To be honest I hadn't thought it was an issue at all, if anything I thought a much better fit for DD to be with someone a bit older and more mature as she's ended up hurt a more than once by lads her own age (not saying she wouldn't be hurt by someone older). I do accept early twenties and late twenties are quite different phases of life, but DD has always been mature and independent. Obviously she is still a 21 year old, likes her friends and going out here and there, but she lives away, works, is doing a masters etc.

I know it doesn't matter what others think obviously, but naturally it has worried me a little bit. What would you think if it was your DD?

What an odd reaction from your friend who said she wouldn’t allow it! I met my now husband when I was 21 and he was 27. We’ve been together 20 years now and I don’t think anyone has ever commented on our age gap.

My daughter is 22 and has had boyfriends of the same age, 6 years older and her current one is 19. She says she sees them for their qualities and if they're a good match.

Not that massive pile of nonsense again...

6 years is nothing and they’re both in their 20s, I’d say at a similar stage in life really

I mean obviously it's only a rough thing, but I think it broadly works. So a 16 year old 'shouldn't' date anyone younger than 15 or older than 18. But a 30 year old has a 'window' of 22-46.

It doesn't work so well when the older person is really old, but I guess the logic is by then yes really upto then if it's wise or not. Once you're in your 40's you've probably got enough life experience to decide whether dating an 80yo is the right thing for you!

Two friends
Met at 16 and 26
Started dating at 18 and 28
Married at 20 and 30
Now 55 and 65 and still one of the happiest couples I know!

I think though your friends children being younger makes a difference. I mean like if they feel that their kids may start dating soon and they wouldn't want them with a man ten years older, in fact it would still be illegal for them to be with a man 10 years older, they may not really be thinking about a person who has been able to have sex for 5 years and get married for 3 without her parents' consent!

@nettienana You asked what I would think if it was my DD. It's the same age gap as between me and my husband so I'd be a hypocrite to say I disapproved. However...as the years have gone by I have actually found the gap more noticeable. I'm still working while he's retired and living it up. Even with just six and a half years between us there's a slight cultural disconnect..his music and mine, his tv and mine. But it's not drastic. We've been together nearly four decades so it's clearly not a total bar to longevity.

Your friends are being absurd.

I don't notice it more as we get older but I have become more aware that that kind of age gap does create a bit of a power imbalance that I couldn't see at the time. His career was established at a time I was just starting out. That means, by default, my career has always taken a back seat and suffered as a result. I don't think it has to be that way but it did work that way for us.

dont bare it in mind. It’s absolute bollox although it is often spouted

She’s not 17. Your friends are ridiculous.

I’d be on the cautious side because life stage difference can be a very big thing. And there’s the potential for power imbalance too. But I wouldn’t be overly worried and the idea of banning anything at the age is utterly ridiculous.

As the mother of a 24 year old, please tell your friend that “not allowing them” isn’t an option. We are talking about grown people who are contributing to society, making choices every day. You hope you’ve taught them well, you keep the lines of communication open and you’re there to pick up the pieces if they need you to at some point.
DH and I were 21 and 30 when we met. 26 years and 2 kids later, we’re still strong.
@nettienana you’ve not said anything negative about him, that’s a good start. Ignore your friends judgemental comments.

Going against the grain I do think it’s abit icky. I am closer to your DD’s Bf’s age and if any of my mates started dating a 21/22 year old we would absolutely take the piss out of them in early stages of dating and find just the idea of the age gap icky. 6 years at this point in your life is still very significant and as much as she may be living away/doing a masters and working whilst doing it that’s very different to working FT in a ‘career’ job. To me a 21 year old is still ‘a baby’ I know they’re not but that’s how they feel in relation to me/my friend/our lifestyle and the vast difference in our lives from 21 until now.

Having said that you’re right that your friend who said they ‘wouldn’t allow it’ is utterly ridiculous. She is an adult and at this point there’s no ‘allow’ whether she’s dating a 28 or 58 year old. And your ‘friends’ are shitting for their obvious glances and judgment.

Overall at this point it actually doesn’t matter how you feel about it. Your job is to be there for your DD, be as critical/supportive of this relationship as you would be of any other, and be there if anything doesn’t go to ideal plan, but equally be supportive if it does end a fairytale. Just focus on your DD’s wellbeing and that’s the most important thing.

I think that’s a very narrow view. Not everyone goes to uni and in your earlier twenties particularly what stage of life you’re in can vary massively from person to person.

I’m the same age as you but my close friendship group has a spread of ages and I know 22 year olds who have careers and dependents and folk our age who just starting uni and 30 something year olds who’re still living with their parents and working part time.

She’s in for a shock if she thinks that she’ll be “letting” her adult child do anything.

And tbh, if she does succeed in being in charge of her adult child’s dating when her child is 21 she’ll be failing as a parent…

Absolutely ignore her.

At 21, six years is quite an age gap. I wouldn't think it's anything you can or should do anything about ("Wouldn't allow it"! WTF! That's more worrying than an older boyfriend.). But I would be keeping an eye out in case he was actually a bit emotionally stunted, controlling, etc. because I think it increases the risk. I'd also be a bit concerned she'd feel rushed into doing things and missing out on her 20s, or that if it got serious, he'd be so far ahead in his career it would encourage your DD to take a back seat with hers which could leave her financially vulnerable.

These are common issues with an age gap that spans life stages. But none of them are reasons to do anything other than be friendly and supportive and be there for her if they turn out to be a problem just as you are there for her if any other romantic relationship develops issues.

So what? My DH got ribbed by some of his friends about me. 30 odd years later some of them were divorced fairly quickly and here we are, still going strong.

Two consenting adults, zero issues. Your friend is wild to say they wouldn't allow their 21 year old DD. What are they going to do? Lock her up in a tower?

I would be a little wary if it was my child. I’d just keep an eye. It’s a time when a lot of life experience happens-both good and bad. Probably fine- but…..

Just jumping on this thread to see what everyone thinks about a 35 year old going out with a 20 year old? Met at work.
35 year old was my husband, and he’s left me for his apprentice who is 20. That’s more than a bit icky right?

I started dating my bow husband when I was 20 and he was 36. We have been together for 22 years now. Feel free to tell your friend that if my parents had decided not to 'allow' it I would have laughed and carried on with my life as I chose.

I met dh at 23, he was 30 we have been married now 27 years!!! I never felt the age gap. If he is nice and she is happy all is fine.

Half age plus seven is the youngest you're supposed to date isn't it? So 32 for a 50yo.

Your friends are very easily scandalised! It’s a non issue imo. As for the one who said she “wouldn’t allow it” I’d bet money there’s a lot she doesn’t know about her children’s lives because they can’t be arsed with her control issues.

That’s icky!