AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

@openended i am tired - work is hard atm. I work 30hrs and DH 40.

no ability to drop right now but possibly next year.

Oh my gosh! Squeee! They are STUNNING! What beauties. I’m so jealous. I loved having our kittens last year - it was a magical time ❤️

DH had gone to buy me Wine Gums.

All is well. Good news.

Agree.

I doubt some here would be so calm if they were called from work to pick up a sick child only to come home and not be able to get in after they told their DH they had to pick up said child and DH acknowledged this beforehand. Drive around for 30 minutes with the windows down because their DH wasn’t picking up and their neighbor wasn’t home and then had to ask neighbor to lift fence so they could get in the house (having a physical disability themselves) through the back and undo the chain to open door and get sick child inside. If I have read OP’s posts correctly.

It may not have been his intent to put the chain on , but it still impacted OP and child negatively.

If your memory is that bad, surely you should have ways by now to combat that so it doesn’t effect others.

I think you could replace the chain with one that can be opened from the outside with a key - I remember having one like that in the '90s so I imagine they still exist.

A techy / practical solution doesn't stop your husband being absent minded but does reduce the impact on you and your child so is IMO worth doing. If it was malicious there'd be less point but it doesn't sound like it was so practical solutions to stop his absent mindedness impacting on you.

Also consider, depending on his workplace's peculiarities, phoning reception/ his PA/his boss if you're stuck outside your house in a heatwave with an ill child. They should have ways to get his attention.

Your last sentence is so true. I am a bit like the husband to be honest. So bad with keys, but it’s more I lock myself and the kids out, so I’ve given a key to about 6 local people 😂. If my husband shouted at me for it, I wouldn’t blame him, I hate myself for it too

I put the chain on when my husband is out and I’m engrossed in work. So many times I have forgotten to take it back off and he’s had to knock. I am not wanking. I just won’t want anyone sneaking in when I’m not paying attention (and I’m too lazy to fanny about with keys)

No, it wasn't. Hers was, but as you say, she acknowledged it so I'm not sure why you are banging on about it.

I’m confused. Define “banging on” do you mean the one post I wrote 😂😂😂

A very accurate précis.

Do you answer when he knocks?

Just him? I probably wouldn’t if I was mid-interview, no (but I would be very very apologetic).

Sick child? Yes I would have. However the purpose of my post was not to say you were unreasonable. I don’t really think you were. I think we all get pushed to the end of our ropes sometimes. I think the people saying he was wanking/cheating etc are unreasonable.

I don't buy shit memory as an excuse. Bet he remembers what he needs to or has systems in place to help him. I would have lost my shit too - interesting that your work/life/energy is open to interruption but his is sacrosanct.

My works rarely sacrosanct but days when I'm interviewing would be exceptions to that. I wouldn't check my messages whilst interviewing either.

I wouldnt either-however I would have thought about what they would need when they got home. I usually unlock the door in advance if I'm going into something I can't be interrupted from. I also have an emergency over ride the do not disturb for emergencies.
Edited to correct stupid autocorrect

There's a reason why women shouting at men is seen as less bad than the reverse. We all know the reason and it's obtuse to pretend in conversations like this that it doesn't exist. The reason is that two women a week are killed by their male partner.

The reality is that when the OP shouted at her partner, I'm sure he felt a lot of things but I'd be willing to bet he didn't feel afraid. That doesn't mean shouting and screaming is ok, but it's not the same as the reverse scenario.

You don't have to be in fear of your life for something to be abusive. Emotional abuse is still abuse (a general point, not suggesting that the OP was abusive).

Well I'm fucking baffled, the amount of times I see on here 'who on earth leaves their door unlocked' usually on threads about people arriving unannounced. It actually made me lock my door a lot more.
Now we are at ' why on earth would he put a chain on the door' 'what grown man uses a chain' like he's some kind of wierdo!
What kind of question is that? People put chains on their door for safety, he's upstairs and anyone could come in the house, what the hell is wrong with putting a chain on? You know you don't have to hate every husband around? It can be OK for someone to make a mistake, shock horror.
OP as a more reasonable, logical response I can understand why you were frustrated and lost your temper. Your husband really didn't mean to leave the chain on and he's seems very sorry for it so best for both to apologise, hug it out and move on, it was one of those things.

Not one person in their right mind would think hes upstairs having a wank whilst leaving his wife and son locked out, as you say hes not some evil fucker who is belly laughing as his wife is having a metdown at the door!
Fuck knows why some of these womens brains go straight to that, they literally despise all men so much they can't even comprehend that a man could have simply just forgot the chain was on! I despair at this place sometimes.

@Kittenwatch i think while you shouldn’t have shouted it will all calm down in the end. Hot, bothered. Sick child, he’s having a stressful day, you’ve had to leave work!

my husband sometimes locks are front door without thinking. He often does it when he’s leaving the house and while it can’t easily be unlocked it’s just annoying but sometimes; If it’s me doing the school run, I’ll unlock the front door, and then he’ll help me pile the kids out and when he shuts the he will just lock it before he takes the key out. I stupidly go out without keys often 🙄🙄🙄🙄

@CoralOP

You need a key to get in my house. You cannot just walk in if there is no chain on. I don’t know anyone who has a door like that - I’m in London and no one I know can just open their front door without a key.

Then presumably on those days you wouldn't lock the house in such a way that the other people who live there are completely unable to get in?

That sounds like you have worked through a horrible situation like adults. Well done and don't blame yourself too much for losing your temper. You had a sick child and those so-called mama bear instincts are always near the surface.

Once you've had a chance to think clearly, is it possible that your husband is also neurodivergent? There is a strong possibility, and even if it is mild with him, I have to warn you that it can worsen with age ask me how I know. Living as I do with a late diagnosed ADHD husband and grown up children, one ASD and one ADHD, I have learned to plan for all sorts of possibilities and develop family strategies to cope with them. Yes, I can be viewed as a nag, but I don't care. Strategic planning has made life more comfortable for all of us. (I have no idea how they'll manage when I've dropped off my perch, but at least I have tried to make them resilient).

So, the chain is never ever used of a day. However, he took the opportunity to put it on because you went out and were not home.
You say you are baffled as to why he put it on.
Yet, you also say confidently, that he was not doing anything nefarious he didn’t want you to know about, was not having a wank etc.
Hmmm

Ohh I would 100% shout if I was you too!! That’s so annoying.
im guessing he was in auto-pilot mode and just popped the chain on without thinking? But still he deserved to be shouted at for not bothering to look at his phone that entire time! And he must have heard the door bell!!
i do it in auto-pilot mode a lot 🙈 even when it’s not needed .