AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

I definitely do not think hers was bigger!! It’s hot, ds was sick, and they couldn’t get into the house even though he knew both of those things , plus that the op was working too, and then it was physically difficult for her to climb through where she had to, even without the heat… I don’t know any saints who wouldn’t have yelled!

I get it, we shouldn’t shout but sometimes men’s thoughtlessness and selfishness pushes you to the absolute brink

Yes indeed

Maybe the thing to do is apologise and bear it in mind if your dh ever does lose his temper and shouts at you once in the next 10 years for a moment of carelessness on your part.

Honestly, if.your shouting is a rare occurrence just let it go ( assuming you appolgise and your dh accepts it as well as apologises for his lack of thought

He sounds like he has ADHD, that's the dumb shit I do. FYI- I'm not having a wank when I do this stuff.

That was my thought too.

I can understand the frustration, we have lots of issues with the door and keys stemming from our 18 year old's selfish behaviour of losing keys and not thinking about the rest of the family. He can't seem to hold on to HIS keys so if he can't find it he just takes someone elses. Our stupid door can't be opened from the inside if it's locked from the outside and the last drama was my son leaving for work and locking my DH in the house without a key to get out. My DH had to leave for meetings and was beyond furious.

I was not involved in this as I was at work but inevitably get calls from both and disturbing and upsetting me unnecessarily

I think your anger like mine is that we even when busy think of others all the time while our male counterparts don't and that is frustrating.

So you left work to collect your sick child?

Ah - the privilege of men who don't multi-task, don't take on the head space burden, can compartmentalise to the point that They are not checking to see if you are back, thinking abut you and your sick child etc.

I really sympathise OP - you get to the point where you are under pressure from every direction and THEN end up under pressure from your own guilt because you go OTT, shouting.

Hopefully you can both talk about it calmly and let him know how it feels to have been wiped out of his mind in a difficult moment, and he can apologise, and you can apologise for yelling.

Parenting, working, kids with SEN, its a lot... sometimes the wheels come off.

Apparently, @Kittenwatch, ‘key chains’ exist. You could still put the chain on the door to keep your son inside as usual, but if you’re on the outside of the door you can use a key to move and unlock the chain.

ETA: I’m glad you and your husband have been able to talk.

Some people lose their temper and shout, it’s not just a woman thing or that women feel we’re “allowed”. Some couples have arguments where they shout. If it’s a mismatch where one person is massively shouty and another isn’t, or is traumatised by someone raising their voice at them I’d get your point. Not all people view shouting as abusive. Personally I’d rather someone shouted at me than stonewalled me. I think the latter is more abusive. If there’s a threat of violence or someone coming into your physical space and shouting in your face that’s different.

Absolute misogynistic bollocks.

So we should just put up and shut up when we’re being seriously inconvenienced? Nah.

OP, I'd be very pissed off, my DH gets so absorbed in work when he's at home and I think this is something he would do too.

Also, think it's weird everyone thinks he was having a wank!

I imagine they have a chain as their DS is autistic and wanted to ensure he can’t get out!

I don’t agree. If it was a) not the hottest day of the year b) child had ordinary needs c) child has not vomited d) OP didn’t have mobility needs which meant having to scramble under a fence hurt her e) he hadn’t seen her message - sure, maybe it would be disproportionate. All of these factors means he is a total arse and honestly I would be raging enough to LTB

Also the fact he came down oblivious is astounding?! How???

Like what? Seriously? Fucking some other woman? Not a chance. If he wanted to do that there is zero way he’d do that on our house.

He’s not the type anyway but I’m not daft enough to say it’s impossible. But we have a ring doorbell that only I can operate (guess who never bothered to download the app?) and neighbours who would 100% tell me.

Wanking? So what? He wouldn’t need the chain. I have no issues with him wanking.

I’m happy for him to be criticised for true failings but there was no malice here. Just absentmindedness and stupidity which is enough to make me angry.

I think he realised we were home and as soon as his meeting finished came down to check on our son without looking at his phone.

When he saw me red faced and furious and shouting ‘why the fuck didn’t you pick up your phone?’ (Or similar) he said ‘I was in interviews’ then looked at his phone and went pale. He started to speak but I shouted at him to get away from us (among other things).

When he reappeared later extremely contrite I was still angry but calm and that’s when we talked.

How bad is your life that your mind goes there?

Another one. So many unhappy women on here.

Sorry, this doesn't ring true. Forgetfulness doesn't make you go downstairs and put the chain on the door after your wife ans child have left the house. Forgetfulness would make you forget to put it on when they're in the house. Forgetfulness will make you forget to take it off after your partner has said they're coming home.
If I had a pound for every time an absolute saint of a man turned out to be a sociopath I'd have at least 5 pounds. He put that chain on to stop you seeing something. He probably does it every time you leave. I'd suggest give it a week or so, and come back and check the door next time you leave about 10 mins later. See if it's something he does a lot.

right?

Also - is being caught wanking the worst thing in the world? Sure - no one WANTS to be caught wanking but it would be quite funny!?

We’ve been together 21 years - we both wank. I’m ok with it.

Could you actually read the thread before commenting nonsense? There’s 10 fucking pages.

It wasn’t a big deal?

Fucking hell what did you expect the OP and her poorly non-verbal child to do on the hottest day of the year?

Sit down on the pavement and wait patiently? Sit in the car idling with the aircon wasting fuel? The poor lad was probably extremely confused and distressed.

But it’s okay, us women just need to shut the fuck up and pull ourselves together when men are being thoughtless and selfish.

I cannot believe the amount of poor women on this thread that think a locked door means their partner is "wanking".

Do better ladies and stop projecting.