AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

YABU. I think you overreacted and owe your DH a sincere apology. It wasn't great but it wasn't deliberate and noone was hurt, it was slight inconvenience for half hour.

Exactly. Be prepared to be told how wrong you are, though.

Maybe look for another solution to chain eg second lock high up. I suspect it’s only a matter of time before dc figures chain out.

This!

Can we all agree to just ignore further sanctimonious twaddle from that twerp dominating the thread and provide op with the support she deserves.

Sorry you faced what any regular person would find frustrating OP. Most people do experience anger occasionally and that does not equal abuse.

Hope you're feeling calmer now and your son's feeling better.

Totally understand why you lost your shit OP and also why u probably should apologise as shouting at someone isn't great. The key frustration for me would be even if I was interviewing , if I had repeated calls from my partner then i would pick up.

The chain may have gone on as an absent minded thing but my first thought was wanking. Altho you dont mind if he does it, it doesn't mean he is ok w being caught. He might have props he is not ready to share 😆 (also dont think wanking is always the abhorrent act that it appears to be considered by some on the thread if time and place are ok)

OP, I know what you mean when you say you feel like you’ve been on constant alert. I feel the same.

Our DS1, 11yo is autistic, non-verbal, global delay who can and does open doors that we had to get a locksmith to change our locks so need a key to open and lock the door every time. We also have to hide the keys because he has watched DH put the keys up, used a chair to get them, and waited until he was distracted to open the door. He has also waited while I was cooking, with the dishwasher, and air fryer going and unlocked the door and escaped and we were lucky the neighbors saw him doing so from their windows. He has escaped in-laws house because he watched where they put the keys, unlocked their front door and ran out. MIL & SIL couldn’t find him for 20-30 minutes while DH was out having a pint with his dad. They didn’t tell him til he got back. I wasn’t even mad tbh, just glad he was found and hoped they now understood why we do the things we do when it comes to oldest.

We don’t open our windows when he’s home because he has hung out of them in the past and has escaped through one while we were on holiday in the Mediterranean.

To answer your question, very few times I have raised my voice at DH, when I have it was for reasons many here would consider LTB territory (no cheating). I’ve never called him stupid, idiot. It’s always been questioning him, (what were you thinking, did you even think/consider, how does this make sense, where’s the logic? before I proceed to tell him how what he has done makes no logical sense) etc. He knows in the rare occurrences where I raise my voice, he’s in for it even more so when I’m angry enough to the point of tears because they only come when I’m fuming and he was very much in the wrong.

He is ND and I didn’t know he was until 10 years in after oldest son was diagnosed.

He has raised his voice at me and I’ve just raised my brow because it’s usually about him making a decision or doing something and me already knowing he was going to make said decision because I know him. Plus, coming from a ‘shouty’ family and not being a ‘shouty’ person raised voices irritate me more than upset me. I can probably count on one hand he has raised his voice at me and vice versa.

Erm, no, most girls are socialised to not show anger. This is part of the problem; anger is a normal response to having boundaries violated and needs an outlet (sure, shouting isn't ideal but OP is aware of that).

Where are you getting this 'a lot of girls' business from?

You sound very invested in what you imagine most other women's mums told them growing up.

Why the 'cool girl' insistence on telling off the other women on behalf of the blokes? The patriarchy thanks you for your service.

@Kittenwatch
Today was the final straw for you, I think.
Tell your husband you're sorry you lost it that way and that you need some time to reflect on it and sort it before you can have a conversation about it.
Do you feel you're doing the lion's share, or are you just burnt out from all if it?
I'd do the following:
Get into a support group (link below) asap for families dealing with autism needs and get yourself into individual counselling. Same for your dh. Don't do the support group together. You both need your own safe space.

You are human. You have a lot on your shoulders. It's a wonder you haven't snapped sooner. 💐

www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/support-in-the-community/family-support

I do hope he has done likewise. I don't care how angry you were, your reaction is so over the top. I wouldn't want to be in the same street as you, let alone the same house. If this was reversed MN would all be LTB - unbelievable.

Yes, I agree this has created much misunderstanding.

JFC way to kick someone when they're down.

Your "I don't care how angry you were" comment is ridiculous. You are making OP's situation personal to you. You don't know her. She doesn't know you. And she owes you nothing. You sound sanctimonious.

@phoenixrosehere the rates of PTSD and illness are significant in mothers raising ND children. The high alert feeling is very real and too much in a day and age where mum's are not adequately supported, especially in the education system , gaslit usually by medical professionals and education systems not designed for ND children

I exploded spectacularly after too much people pleasing and mopping up to the extent I have almost lost my life through illness.

I am not ashamed to say I exploded and called someone close to me a C**t.

After apologizing and accepting it wasn't appropriate ( in spite of the very hard to cope with behaviour I was trying to deal with ), I knew this was a wake up call to make big changes. Which I did.

Those changes did not involve punishing myself at all. It was about boundaries for ME. My emotions were the strongest communication possible - from me, to me.

Hope that makes anyone feeling guilty feel better about their own situation.

It's sanctimonious prick of the year finals with some serious competition from a handful of contenders on this thread. It's a close run race so far!

Yanbu my DP is forgetful and i started to realise its because he has me as his human spreadsheet of things to remember.

I stopped reminding him of anything that impacts only him, which caused a bit of a stink on a few occasions (e.g. hes now had to restart a referral for a health issue from scratch as he missed an appointment with a specialist he waited 18 months to see) but it seems to have worked.

I dont blame you at all for shouting he was a total buffoon and i bet he isnt absent minded or forgetful in work.

For anyone interested DH has come downstairs. His first words were ‘I’m so sorry’ and I said ‘I know but I’m sorry for shouting at you like that it was unacceptable’.

He told me he deserved it and I said no one deserves to be shouted at.

I won’t bore with a blow by blow account of the conversation but I said he can’t cocoon himself the way he does and he agreed.

We’ve also agreed a way to contact him if something is urgent even if he’s ’not interruptible’.

I feel crap but hopefully things will be ok now.

That's a leap talk about suspicious

Aw, that sounds like a good end to a challenging episode!

That sounds a good outcome Op. Hope your son continues to feel better too.

That's the perfect resolution and exactly what's needed. Not the hyperbolic "he should leave you, you're abusive" nonsense suggested by loons.

Incidentally, I do have a litter of kittens for watching purposes if required 😊

Just a thought OP, but is your DH also possibly ND like your children? My DH is autistic with definite ADHD traits and is very absent minded. Forgets things and loses things all the time. Also really not good at answering the phone especially when focused on a task, no multitasking skills whatsoever. He has to set alarms and reminders for everything and has also left pots on the hob before.

I am glad you apologised to him and recognised that you didn't handle it well. It sounds like you carry a lot of the mental load and are a bit burnt out. It is not easy being the manager of everyone and everything and we all lose our shit sometimes.

@MrsColinRobinson I WANT TO SEE KITTENS

I think you overreacted massively but it sounds like you've both dealt with it. I dislike how the mumsnet view is to jump to the worst conclusion.

I've done this. I always have the door locked and latch on when home. Once I did so and dh had forgot his keys otherwise he could have used our back door, he had to do his meeting in the car. Not ideal but I was in the bath so didn't hear my mobile. He had a right moan and I apologised. it wasn't intentional.

You sound tired. Do you both work full time and is there any way you could drop some hours?

You've earned this today OP, enjoy!

But she acknowledged she doesn’t think it’s ok that she shouted. We all make mistakes. His was bigger

His brother is autistic (v similar to our older boy - no learning or intellectual disability but executive functioning issues and sensory stuff but memory like a fucking steel trap) but DH definitely has some ADHD traits as do I, but neither of us would meet the threshold for any diagnosis (despite what Tik-Tok and Facebook Reels would have you believe).

Given we have two boys with ASD it would be foolish to to think it’s not a possibility.