AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

But why would he put the chain on when it’s not night time and DS isn’t home? I would have been beyond calming. I was angry enough when DH put the bolt on when he knew i was out late and didn’t answer the phone. For fifteen minutes I thought i was spending the night in the porch until he finally answered his phone. I went ballistic at him so you have my sympathies. I didn’t have a sick child to worry about.

None. As a general rule when we’re annoyed or angry we talk stuff through. I don’t do stuff like this, I just don’t. I’m not perfect of infallible and don’t pretend to be but I’m not absentminded and I don’t fuck stuff like this up.

And it’s not the mistake itself. If he’d seen the message and dealt with it I’d have been a bit peeved, but ultimately it would be a non-event. The sheer lack of curiosity about where we were coupled with not checking his phone is what’s made me so angry.

Whilst I’ve been on this thread I’ve tried to think back to all the times I’ve been this angry:

1. He left a pot cooking the stove on and remembered only after we’d gone out to meet family. This was after he’d left one on overnight the prior week. No shouting but really angry.
2. He didn’t message me to tell me he’d arrived safely when going away for the weekend. He was very anxious about the drive, had only passed his test a few weeks prior and was going on a 3 hour drive alone. He didn’t answer a single call and I was really worried. Turned out he’d forgotten. That’s probably the angriest I’ve ever been at him and that was about 2 years into our relationship.
3. This occasion

In a 20 year history it’s not a lot. This is definitely the angriest I’ve been.

For those who asked DS has finally perked up after lots of squash and is singing nursery rhymes (insofar as he can).

Hear hear, but this is the wrong audience for that, I fear. You only have to look at the first few messages implying that he was doing something nefarious.

You shouldn't still be 'really angry'. Have you never made a mistake?

As for those of you who have suggested nefarious deeds as being the reason the chain was on...omg, are you that bored?

They are. Or, they are all married to totally useless men and assume that all men are like that.

I’d be as angry as you. Furious. What a twit. And I’d want him to explain really clearly why he put the chain when you went out. I’d want an explanation.

You're chatting pure shit here. Nobody's mum told them at age 7 they can do exactly what they want because they're female you fool.

But why did he put the chain on in the first place? Seems such an odd thing to do. Don't blame you for shouting. Sounds so stressful and unnecessary.

He knows he's absentminded but isn't doing anything to help - like use alarm on phone as a reminder, post-it note on computer screen, whatever.
I get your frustration

My DH has this same disease called absent-mindedly-putting the chain-and-locking-wife-out; only respite is that he answers the door if I bang on it
hate it with a passion.

The chain was on?

why? Is that normal?

sounds highly suspicious

Read the whole thread. Explore the context here.

I've been enraged beyond measure, in a seemingly disproportionate manner - to the point of pure explosion.

Women have wonderful instincts. We often ignore and suppress them. Our wonderful emotions will tell us when we don't listen to what we should listen to.

There's more going on here that OP needs to address for herself. Her emotions are very appropriately letting her know things need to change.

The anger is a reflection of so much more than this one incident. There is a build up.underneath this that needs exploring when she gets 5 minutes ( ever).

Please go bake some Apple Pie or something Betty.

I think you should of put in the OP, you were out at work because it reads like you left home to collect the child and your DH put the chain on the minute you left and locked you out, which he obviously didn’t do deliberately. Which makes you even more unreasonable for speaking to him the way you did

OK so he has almost certainly been this angry at you and avoided screaming. How would you feel if he did?

All the people telling you that its perfectly understandable would not be saying that if the tables were reversed.

Not unforgivable but then neither was absent mindedly putting on the chain.

I don’t think the poster means he deliberately ignored her while he was bashing one out. Lots of people suggested he originally put the chain on the door at say 9.30am to relieve himself or watch porn, then left it on all day. I don’t think it’s a bizarre suggestion, I think it’s the most obvious suggestion to be honest.

Why would a grown man put the chain on the door whilst home on a lovely sunny day? He obviously didn’t want to be disturbed by his wife. I assume no one else can just waltz in so it was only the OP he wanted to block.

I would only do this when I wanted a warning that someone was home.

Is it "very appropriate " when men scream at women because their emotions are telling them that somethings not right, or is that a 1 way thing?

Man sees his child off out the door to go school and then puts the chain on when he closes the door, he’s home alone and probably forgot he even put the chain on. That doesn’t warrant being screamed and shouted at

Oh, another 'women are magical unicorns and men are crap' posters. I'm sorry but I live in the real world, not the world of Instagram psychobabble.

If a man posted the OP, he would be torn limb from limb. Or if a woman posted from the point of view of the husband, posters would be falling over each other to excuse her.

The explanation is he waved one child off to school, he closed the door and put the chain on (maybe out of habit) and was home alone after the child left

Exactly!! Typical double standards

OP, sorry if I have missed something, but have you actually asked him WHY he put the chain on?

Op says she was at work when she was called to collect poorly child.
He’s put disabled child in taxi to school in morning and stupidly put chain on and gone into a full day of interviews wfh. Not deliberately locked her out. We can all do stupid things when distracted or thinking about work.
If it’s only 3rd big screaming argument in 20 years it does unsettle you as it’s very much outside the norm.
I don’t think you are abusive just a mum at end of tether worried about sick child on hot day.