AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

@Kittenwatch ‘Like what? Seriously? Fucking some other woman? Not a chance. If he wanted to do that there is zero way he’d do that on our house*

I never said he was doing that. You are unhinged.
There were 101 possibilities, including porn, wrapping a birthday gift for you while you are out of the house, many possibilities. Yet, YOU immediately go to sex with another woman (as I certainly did not) and fly off the handle at me. Are you prone to immediate outbursts?

What do you think he was doing?

There are trolls here!

I’m not unhinged, I don’t have much patience for comments like yours which display some truly sub-par reasoning skills.

You’re the one who suggested he was up to no good without any elucidation of what that may be.

Well, I just gave you a few options. Such as wanking, watching porn, wrapping a surprise gift, or other possibilities. You are the one that, for some unknown reason, immediately went to sleeping with another woman and flew off the handle, which is not normal.

@Kittenwatch "....I'd be a total twat" 😂😂 Sounds like you may have met her!

She can be demanding and she gets under my feet more than any cat I've ever met but she's so affectionate, sweet and scrumptious that her diva properties are just a quirk. You can't get the ick from a cat anyway. That's science

You have options in your recent post where you called me unhinged (sorry - your edited post). The post you originally made that I responded to gave zero suggestions. If you had offered something other than an unhelpful and accusatory ‘hmmmm’ I’d have responded differently

you absolutely cannot get the ick from a cat. 100% correct

Won’t bother 👍

You’re so cool.

Thank you. Can’t return the compliment.

Well of course you can’t. That would require both an ability to recognise my sarcasm after you posted a stupid comment in the first place, and an acknowledgment that my frustration was well placed after your flippant post to my really difficult day. But to admit you were careless and lazy is beyond you.

My cat Jax, right now in my darkened bedroom under the fan. You wouldn’t know he actually hates me usually right now 😂 He adores DH and tolerates the kids - I’m only good for shade, cool, the fan and Dreamies!

Look at the little white paws!! Little beauty!!

Thank you, he totally agrees!

Now I have to move him to go to the loo… I’ve been waiting but he shows no signs of moving… Desperate times now! maybe I should get DH to do it I’ll be harmed regardless 😂

That’s because I was supporting you but now I have complete and utter sympathy for the poor guy who lives with you.

I've got an autistic child, the chain gets put on without me even thinking about it. It's always on so he can't escape.
I can understand your frustration OP, but anyone can have a lapse, especially during a busy day working. I don't think he deserved to be screamed at, especially when he had to go straight back to work.

Jax is beautiful. Black and white cats are hugely under-rated. Have you / he tried the stick treats from Lidl? Molly is a fussy little fucker has a discerning palate and shuns dreamies, ham, roast chicken and all usual cat treats. She can't get enough of the Lidl ones though.

She does likes duck though, Which is frankly just typical of her.

This is absolutely something I would do. I have to say yanbu otherwise I'd be a massive hypocrite.
It's like death by 1000 cuts sometimes; if this was a completely isolated incident you probably wouldn't be so angry.
I recommend you get your husband to read and digest that article, something along the lines of, "my wife divorced me because I left a glass by the dishwasher".
It's not the simple act of forgetting to unbolt a door. It's the feeling of, 'how can you care so little about us that you could do this in the first place'. And for him, and I'm generalising but he sounds like my husband, they don't see it as a lack of care, it's just an isolated incident?! But amongst all the other micro shits they do, it just tips you over the edge!

Ever thought perhaps he is on the spectrum? There is an hereditary component and you say you child is so perhaps this explains some of his struggles with multi tasking and seeming absentmindedness?

I wonder if it’s because as mums, we multi task, are conscious of everyone else’s moods/ days / challenges; he didn’t think of you ; that’s why you lost it . I’d be the same ( 4 ND kids here) and it’s exhausting. If rolls were reversed you’d have a cup of tea waiting, change of clothes etc. he didn’t ; Yh yh because he’s working . Not a heart surgeon tho !!! It’s all about priorities; totally get it .
for what it’s worth; I’d go bat shit too x

I have two b/w and I was shocked to hear they are not popular! I think they’re stunning.

It's all been said but I sympathise with you. I'd have been very cross in that situation as well. Mumsnet is quite a weird place now, lots of people projecting quite fanciful ideas of abuse on to you.

My DH sounds very similar to yours and I've had many teeth gritting moments where he's had the luxury of 'getting caught up in work' and forgetting things or a total lack of multi tasking meaning things are done very slowly or not at all. Having to remind him of things, or if I ask him to do something, he says can you remind me tomorrow 🤯 I feel like he's outsourcing his executive functioning to me, I HAVE ENOUGH TO DO! Oof, I feel a bit better for having got that off my chest. But like you, my DH's good qualities outweigh the bad.

Absolute bullshit! I know for a fact that I've put the chain on during the daytime, not thinking. I've also left my phone in the fridge whilst packing away groceries, not to mention walking in to a room and forgetting why I entered it in the first place. Just because it doesn't happen to you, it doesn't make it impossible.

I totally agree but it seems the OP has got things sorted out. Hopefully they can move on. But I agree it’s a bit odd.