AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

It's extremely annoying! He's forgetful about plenty of other things too so I know it's not personal.

Perhaps an airhorn that goes off in his office on a button above the doorbell haha. That would get his attention!

I am just gonna say that he probably put the chain on automatic. Which is what happened to me once, at night. It happens.

Oh I see this was ok. This has truly bothered me.

Also, what kind of back garden entails you climb UNDER a fence to get to it?

Similar to you, 20 year relationship properly argued only a handful of times

I would say my partner is one of a very short list of people who I could say "fuck off" to and mean it. We are conditioned I think to think we have to hold our tongue and think of the other person but sometimes you just have to let them know that you are mad in that moment and that their actions have made a difficult situation harder for you unnecessarily. Whilst the initial moments of the arguement can be heated, it usually quickly goes to a very honest discussion and where we both are at that moment in time.

For me the important things are separating actions and the person. We are a sweary couple but throwing we never throw and insult at the person. In our relationship there is a big difference between "you are fucking useless, why would you put the chain on and then ignore your phone" and "why didn't you answer your fucking phone, I've been phoning as you'd left the latch on and I couldn't get in. The first in our relationship would be unacceptable, the latter an expression of frustration at a situation. We always apologise and use it as a opening to be more vulnerable. "I'm sorry, it's just this heat and managing Child, I just wanted to get us both home and where I could get us both more settled to see if he improves."

I have a phrase "don't poke the bear" and that is, I'm in a bad mood, you aren't at fault but if you continue with what you are doing I'm going to find my temper fraying. What I need right now is half an hour of quiet and space and once I have that an have collected my thoughts we can talk like rationale humans but right now I'm an irritated bear. It is ok to be a bear and need space! It's just about how you ask for it.

The kind where fence panels are slotted into grooves in concrete posts - the neighbour kindly lifted them enough for me to crawl under.

I don’t really understand your first point but regardless, he wasn’t wanking so it’s moot.

Christ - this is us!

You don't understand my first point because you agreed with me then turned on me!

Still don't get the back garden. Nothing to do with the fence panels. I have never come across a back garden that you need to crawl under a fence to get into.

Yanbu I don’t blame you. It is so bloody hot and to be locked out with a sick child. He deserved it. He knew you were on the way home

@Differentforgirls no - I just don’t understand what point you’re making? I haven’t turned on you. I expressed frustration at your glib response. I’ve done it before, been called out and said ‘whoops’ and moved on, you were the one who decided to be sarcastic.

The fence is like this, you can just slide the panel upwards and crawl under.

Each concrete post has a kind of recess down each side, the panels slot in.

Of course it’s rational. What possible reason could he have had for putting the chain on the door, and then leaving it on even though he knew OP was bringing their child home sick ? I have mobility issues and I can only imagine how difficult and humiliating it must have been for OP to climb under a bloody fence. This is on him - I’d have been just as furious.

I assumed the OP meant the kind with cement posts and base so that the panels can be slid up and down. Her neighbour would slide the fence up while she climbed under.

Exactly this.

Wee pictures still don't make me understand why ANYONE would need to climb under a fence to get to their back garden.

There was no glib response btw. Just support for you. My mistake. Unfollowing this now.

Absolute weird responses to support.

I take it you don't have ND children? Or any children?

It's stressful to get a call from the school at the best of times but when you're worried your child has heat stroke and you can't get them safely out of the heat, that is scary.

I'm obviously very abusive because I often screamed and shouted and kicked the hoover. Sometimes when I was on a walk and no-one was around I would stand and scream. Because that's what raising ND children does to you. And I'm autistic myself which did not help.

Where do these gardens exist? This has really opened my eyes about what people call a garden.

Anyway.

Have a nice night.

@Differentforgirls

My back garden has a side gate. Over 6ft tall and locked so I can’t get over that.

There is no other way on to my property other than through a neighbour’s garden to my garden.

No one else has difficulty with this concept.

@ThreadGuardDog it’s not me, is it? This is a perfectly standard garden and fence?!

This is the kind of thing dh would do - get lost in work, put on do not disturb and fail to notice us trying to contact him.

The dc have worked out that Findmy overrides everything, so they put him on all our Findmy apps and we just ping his devices until he cops on.

I guess it's the heat that caused your shouting,
At least you know now to email in future
I still don't understand the chain, who was going to interrupt him, surely he could told you not to interrupt?

Utter bollocks. They have an autistic child, and that’s very likely the reason they have a chain on the door at all - it’s called safeguarding. He probably puts the chain on the door so often he’s on autopilot. I’d bet this was a reflex. Your post says a lot more about you than it does about OP. Or her DH.

No one. He saw DS into his transport and absentmindedly put it on after closing the door.

0% malice
100% twit

If you’d like to come to my home I can show you a perfectly standard garden fence. Each wooden panel between two concrete posts with a cast concrete base. The wooden panel sits on top of the base and can be slid up and down. That’s how they put the fence panels in after erecting the posts and base. What is it about the concept that you find difficult

OP do you have the chain for safeguarding your son ? If so I can see why he would put the chain on - you probably both do it without thinking, so it’s understandable that he maybe did it on autopilot. I hope that thought induces some level of shame in the posters insinuating he was wanking or worse.

Thanks for the invite but it would probably be too long a journey to see a fence. Ours are just wooden fences and we have a standard garden gate that we don't lock.

I do. I mentioned somewhere earlier that we generally only use it at night because he can use keys but can’t work the chain.

i have zero doubt it was done accidentally. My issue was the complete obliviousness to the sound of me calling, texting (his phone would’ve vibrated) etc.