AIBU to insist we rehome one puppy after my husband bought two?

[Stressedlavatory]

Me and my husband have 2 kids, boy 6 girl 3. He works as a lorry driver, 60 hour weeks out of the house from 2:30am, I’m a community carer and work in the evenings 4:30pm - 10pm and weekend mornings.
80% housework is done by me, he helps when I’m not there or when I ask which is fine as I like things done the way I do them anyway.
a couple of weeks ago, we decided to get another dog together as a family, he had some money spare (which I thought wasn’t spare as he was using the money to put towards a new career so studying ect) despite discussing other topics more seriously like getting our little girls room redecorated as she is still in with us, decorating the downstairs hallway, getting a dishwasher as both of us HATE washing up and I mention it at least 3 times a week haha, or a DPF filter clean on his car that has been over due for over a damn year and now his car is rattley, or even a holiday he decided on spending the full amount of money on a puppy. Not just one but TWO. Without talking to me first. He fell in love with both of them and joked about taking them both for £700 below the asking price and the breeder let him as she was struggling to rehome the girl.
These aren’t any little dogs either - we don’t do small dogs no no no. 2x German shepherd puppies. Which cost money. Potentially for the next 12-14 years if we’re lucky. I said no no we can’t afford two he said “yes we can it’s fine I’ll sort it”. Shut me down. Coming from the man who didn’t want to use the money when it was our little girls birthday a week previous for a day out on her actual birthday because she had already had a party at our house Sunday and that cost a lot food wise and was more than he had when he was a kid. It was family and I brought all the food myself, plus her gifts and made her cake ect. A week later he has money to buy two fucking dogs. Wtf.
I had a bad feeling from the beginning, tried to let this process as it was something he wanted and I have a habit of “stopping him doing what he wants to do” (which is usually buying a stupid car like an old Range Rover or another guitar and putting yet another bill on himself) but it’s just too much for me. Two kids that need my attention, a husband that survives his job on 3/4 hours sleep most nights (as I’m out working) plus our older dog we already have, plus all the house shit and work too. I don’t stop, I sit down to cuddle or play with my little girl in the day and that’s it the rest of the time I’m sorting out the house, ensuring everyone has everything they need ect. I’m not looking for sympathy here I’m happy to do it, but what I’m saying is I’m already stretched thin enough. Deciding on ONE puppy was fine with me and I was ready to take that challenge on but not TWO. Double the cost, double the food, double the accidents and double the fucking work for me when he’s at work! We have been at loggerheads all week, I’ve told him we need to rehome one of them as I cannot cope with the two of them, I have PTSD and ADHD so my brain gets so overwhelmed so so easily and this is just too much for me. I’ve been having panic attacks, barely eating, throwing up ect as I’m so anxious about the cost, the time it’s taking out of my time with my daughter which isn’t benefiting her, the house is upside down with all the big jobs I normally do hasn’t been done which sends my brain into chaos. He has agreed after seeing how bad and exhausting things were this weekend when he was at home, so he asked his mum and dad. They live in a rented flat so have to go through x amount of hoops trying to get an answer as to if they can have a dog or not. Bear in mind they haven’t had a puppy before so don’t know how to train ect (like me so google is a godsend) plus his dad is very quick to change his mind if it affects him and he has to do anything other than his job/golf, but they’ve said they want her. I was taking to my best friend and she said her mum would have her too, as she loves German shepherds and bred them for a long time before she couldn’t do it any more as she was too unwell. I know this as she done this the whole time I was at school with my best friend and she can take her now. With his mum and dad we have to wait for god knows how long for some asshole to say yes or no.
So we’re currently in limbo, with me not being able to relax at all, or get anything done without the pair of these puppies under my feet, or my kids needing me. My worries are -
not enough time with my children as busy cleaning
physically exhausted due to cleaning and tidying
costs of the dogs and food
ensuring they get training and sleep as if not they fight
they fight a lot so have to separate them which is hard as we have an open plan house
the damage they both might do to our sofa / floors
keeping an eye on my kids and the dogs at all times to ensure they don’t eat anything my kids are playing with
the constant shit and piss EVERYWHERE
all the housework being done
going out for longer than 2 hours and leaving them in the crate
the noise as they cry and bark when my husband gets up for work and then at about 6am when I get up
when I stress, my optic neuritis can flare meaning my vision is affected meaning I can’t work as I drive in my job
I also have panic attacks, and all the other stuff that goes with it as said above
training both dogs at the same time is near on impossible with the other one and kids ect
the list can go on and on.

his worries are -
separating them as they may not cope
his mum and dads feelings if they can have the dog but I take her to my best friends mum
my feelings and stress on the situation
having a puppy German shepherd is his dream and it’s being ruined by having to rehome one of them

probably other stuff but that’s the main bulk.

we have spoke and argued more than ever this past week about this situation as it’s brought to light a lot of issues in our marriage we have agreed to work on together which is great.
but I can’t relax or switch off when I’m so stressed out with this situation with no end in sight until his parents rent people say an answer 🙃 so I’m being off with him, not realising, we’re barely having sex or kissing (I know it’s like 34 degrees in England right now so no one is lol) usually we’re very affectionate towards each other but it’s like my body just can’t let this go.
I want to try as soon as the dog is re homed, but in the mean time I just can’t get over the fact that this is all because he thought with his “awwwwww puppy” rather than practically.

am I going mad? Is this normal?
how do I get past this and back to normal with him?
he says he understands all my reasonings ect and we are on the same page now but it’s like it’s already done damage!

Do you seriously want to continue this relationship?

A partnership is meant to be exactly that - equal partners.

Your entire thread revolves around his needs and wants and you and his DC don’t get a look in.

Getting a dog is a massive decision and the fact he didn’t discuss it with you shows how little he cares about you.

He doesn’t care if it takes money from the family, he doesn’t care if it causes you stress, he doesn’t care if it causes you more work - he literally only cares about himself.

I could not be with someone so selfish.

It can if you have the time and patience to do it.

However, the OP's life sound chaotic and overwhelming already. I very much doubt the OP or her husband have the wherewithal to do so.

Another here who thinks you must rehome both dogs. You’re juggling loads and just don’t have the time or money for a dog right now. Also, your husband must have more than 3-4 hours sleep if he drives for a living. Your DCs are still young - he should just go to bed when they do. A good family friend did similar lorry-driving shifts and he napped for an hour or so in the afternoon and went to bed at 8 pm.

You are not the OP who has made it perfectly clear her whole situation even without 2 more dogs is highly stressful. The fact you can cope doesn't mean the OP can. It's unfair to suggest this when it's obvious for the sake of her mental & physical health the dogs should be returned.

This.
GSD need experienced owners and excellent training.

ETA these dogs are intelligent and need jobs and boundaries. They can easily kill. They are good for experienced owners, or herding or security work.

I´m sure it can. But does what you have read up until now re the OPs situation have the markers of one of those situations where it "can be done"?

I would take the dogs back OP, and not consult him at all, like he didn´t consult you when he got them, did he?

Take the dogs back to the breeder. You have a far bigger problem in your husband than a couple of puppies.

Tell him you can't be with someone who doesn't give a shit about you and you're seriously thinking about the future.

You were stupid to get one dog with such busy lives let alone two.

This.

In fact the friend with GSD experience sounds better than the breeder.

A specialist GSD dog rescue for the other.

I hate the DH whose 'dream' was to have some kind of direwolf pack power trip probably. Dogs are not giant fluffy robots. They are not CGI.

THIS!!!
sounds like a terrible breeder if they let him take both.

one big dog is a lot of work - I know, I have one, and I refused when DH wanted to get a second dog. I know my limits.

your DH is an ARSE!

Exactly. Dangerous and irresponsible comes to mind.

My friend took 2 puppies from the same litter (border collies, so similar). She knew what she was doing and they are beautiful, well behaved dogs (now). However:

1. She hadn't any dcs.
2. She works from home.
3. Money isn't a problem.
4. She lives in detached cottage.
5. Next to a big enclosed field.
6. Even so, for 2 years she walked them individually & trained them individually. She said she had to do this because if she did it with both together they would focus on each other when she needed them to focus on her.

Have you actually read the OP?

TBH OP, the timing and family circumstances seem unsuitable to bring any pet into.
I think you need to rehome both puppies, not just one, as it's abundantly clear that you won't cope.

So your husband is an ignorant and selfish twat. He drives a lorry after 3 to 4 hours' sleep which is outrageous.
Having three large dogs with small children is crazy and a recipe for disaster. (Personally I don't think German Shepherds and kids are a good combo, full stop, but that's just me.)
'Two for the price of one' puppies sounds suspiciously like a puppy farm.
Three dogs are a pack.
You're not aligned financially or in terms of how you make family decisions.
You need to lay down some boundaries here, OP, and stick to them. However hard it is.

What meds are you on for the ADHD? Seems like you could handle this man-generated chaos better if you had the right help.

German shepherds cost a fortune in vet bills, the vast majority of their care will fall on you, what was he thinking? I would rehome both of them, you don’t have the conditions to keep them. It’s madness, is your husband a teenager to not see this

Two puppies is not double the work.
It is THREE times the work, at least.

You have to teach each puppy individually, then both together.

To avoid litter mate syndrome - which is not really a 'syndrome' as much as a bunch of behavioural issues that are highly likely to happen when you have two puppies and not enough time, and more so if they are same breed/same age as they are evenly matched and more likely to compete over the same resources, have the same needs at the same time etc etc...

You need to ensure that whilst neither is alone/isolated, they spend more time with a human than they do with one another AND the time spent with each other is guided, managed, constructive (training, walks, puzzle solving, not free play).

That requires TWO competent adults who are there all day.

You do not even have ONE competent adult there all day if you have to go out at 4pm and he's working 60 hours a week.

Make the drive, return one, or ideally, both. Don't piss about, returning one/both now gives them a much higher chance of finding new homes quickly and with minimal stress.

The odds are if you do not, you'll be rehoming one or both once they hit adolescence and German Shepherds are HORRIBLE adolescents, really mouthy, bitey, over sensitive, anxious, needy and require huge amounts of patience and time.

I work with puppy owners every day, hundreds of them a week (I work for one of the leading puppy training apps and am a behaviour consultant) - for the sake of your sanity and these puppies welfare, please do the right thing. Your husband is a monumental dickhead.

I think he is bipolar, I know I have my issues which I’m trying to work through with therapy and talking to my brother which does help me a lot. Currently I have actually had a breakdown, and still in said breakdown as this is part of why it’s best to rehome or return one back to the breeder which is what I’ve argued with him.
Our last dog unfortunately had to be pts in May last year at age 6 due to cancer. His behaviour issues were 100% our fault, I know that because like I said we both worked full time back then and having a child we didn’t have the time to devote to him which wasn’t fair at all. I don’t want to make that same mistake again, hence why I said now I’m home in the day, I have time for ONE puppy. I am training the boy and he is doing very well, the girl on the other hand is more of a handful. They’re puppies so they need to learn, and I want what is best for them and us as a family but he just keeps gaslighting me saying it’s not what he wants and it’s not an easy decision. New development since last night also, I have optic neuritis where when I am stressed and overwhelmed due to my PTSD of losing my mum to alcoholism (stuff I’m working on in therapy) my optic nerve flares up and affects my vision in one eye. Meaning I can’t drive, and colours are affected - another reason to remove this stress as it’s affecting my health. Husband then says well this whole situation is because you don’t want the two of them and your stressing about it too much I don’t see why your so stressed.

he just can’t see or understand it, or says he does but his tone and actions say otherwise.
I know rehoming the dog to his mum and dad isn’t the best idea and both should ideally go back to the breeder but I’m trying to meet him half way here and save my marriage to ensure my kids grow up with a decent dad but this is increasingly difficult due to his mental health and then the back lash of issues that follows on from his impulsive spending.
the comments on rehoming the husband have made me smile tho haha

I am stressed for you love! This is irresponsible dog ownership on some many levels. Please ask your husband to sit down with you and ask him to figure out the solution. Even if you have to lie and say that you'll just give the dogs back for a while or whatever and then ask him to go to counselling. And lastly, try to figure out some extra support somehow for family where he can get a decent amount of sleep because driving for a living like that is also irresponsible.

Quite.

It sounds as though he thinks he should make the decisions for your family. Is this something you signed up for?

if you are equal partners then decision making should be equal.

This
your lifestyles is not suitable for one puppy, let alone two.
As litter mates they will bond with one another so no reputable breeder would sell them together.

Rehome the girl puppy to friends mum. If in laws get the go ahead to have a dog in their flat, then share boy puppy with them, they can have it part the week & back to you when husband is there to help train it. Sharing a dog works if pup learns young enough that it has two homes & has its own place/things in each home. I shared my first dog with my parents & it worked very well for all of us.
Currently, you are failing both dogs & your children. (Your husband is a selfish idiot)