To think the daily routine is impossible. Disgusting house

[ComeOnNowww]

I want help! People's tips. I don't understand how people manage. I live in a fairly large old house.

This is my weekday routine

7am wake
7.30 - 8.30 getting kids ready for school (primary)
8.30 - 9.30 rush to office or back home to wfh.
9.30 - 5 work my arse off. Back to back meetings
5.30 pick up kids from after school
6 - 7 dinner
7 - 8 bath, bed
8 - 9 constantly put kids back to bed. Feel like tearing my hair out
9 - 9.30 basic tidy, dishwasher, check uniforms
9.30 - 10.30 try to do bits but in all honesty drink a wine and watch telly

My house is disgusting. I mean real mess. - my bathrooms are gross, dust everywhere. Im sprinting to stay still. Just about keep the show on the road but dusting, hoovering, proper cleans so hard to do

At the weekend, i do what i can. But all boys - primary school - and theyre so hyper. If I dont take them out they're out of control

What are other women doing? I dont know how womens homes look normal when they have young kids and work FT. My house is bad enough so id be embarrassed to let somone pop round. No parents. Husband MIA.

Practical tips? I feel like im missing something.

It’s incredibly difficult but you have to do the following IMO:

• wake up at 6/6.30am at least on weekdays
• 3 nights of the week you have to spend the last hour of the day catching up on chores before your head hits the pillow
• get a cleaner for minimum 2 hrs a week (even if just to do bathrooms)
• even with a cleaner you need a dedicated weekend afternoon each month to deep clean the house; given you have a large house that can be certain rooms on rotation
• every 6 months do a big clear out where you chuck out/give away/sell items you no longer use

it sucks but day you’ll have an empty nest and you’ll miss these busy days.

Have you investigated a melatonin prescription for the kids. Over tiredness makes our 8 year old very hyper, children react differently to adults to lack of sleep. I would get the prescription and have them take it with whatever their last snack is. Then get them into bath, PJ’s, teeth, stories - at those ages I would expect both to be asleep by 8pm latest. You are missing hours of adult time by sounds of things? No wonder you’re struggling. On the rare occasions we allow our child to stay up late, they usually get up very early as their sleep cycle is shortened and they are a mix of grumpy and hyper all day.

Would you consider a reset week, @ComeOnNowww ?
I have to do this occasionally but I have noticed that habits are starting to form that avoid the house slipping back too horribly.
So for one week you grit your teeth and you forsake the wine and telly and you spend 45-minutes to one-hour in one room each night and you get it sorted starting from the worst/least favoured taks:
Monday - Bathroom
Tuesday - Kitchen
Wednesday - Living room
Thursday - Dining room
Friday - Bedroom
Saturday (during the day) - DD's room (with DD, but she's 3 so it is slow going!)
Sunday - Pantry/Porch/Hallway clutter

Now, I have a standard 3-bed semi so the Mega Week works for me, but it does require every adult to be functioning and actually support it.
My DH is bloody hopeless at cleaning (unless it is his record shelf!) but he gets given his orders too. On Mega Week he has to make the lunches, prep the coffee machine for the morning, and handle any wake up interruptions from DD during my cleaning hour*. If the house is not on fire and everyone still has all their limbs, I do not accept any interruptions during that hour.
Sometimes this means that I have to negotiate with DH about how Mega Week happens i.e. if he has plans on a couple of evenings, I'll hold fire for those evenings or just wait and start it the following Monday. I try not to be horrible about it, but the WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS WHEN IT IS DONE! OMG.
I won't lie, I notice things slipping, but it is so much easier to get yourself into a routine of:
Monday - 10 min bathroom refresh etc. when the place is not an absolute tip to begin with.

*Editing because I can see your DH is a chocolate teapot. I am so sorry he is so useless OP. If you really don't think he will help you out with the kids at the very least, this will be trickier because I am sure if they kids could just stay in their rooms, they would. In which case, you might want to spread this over 2 weeks and just aim for 20 - 30 mins in an evening. Even if you have to do it in two separate 10 min sprints.

Good luck OP xx

I would get up an hour early for the next month and declutter / clean a room at a time.

Clean the shower immediately after/before your shower. Clean the bathroom while kids are in the bath.

Never put something down to put away later. Do it immediately.

This summer holidays use up kids craft sets / science kits. Plan teh next few months around those toys - use them up and then get rid of them. If not used by end of November get rid / donate to charity / church fete / school raffle so people can buy as gifts.

One thing that helps me is hang washing onto hangers wet and don’t iron. Shake, hang immediately. Don’t overfill the machine and you will find very little needs ironing. Then hang on the line (on hangers) grouping by person or hang in the house (mine is large enough not to get damp) and you can put away quickly into the wardrobe. I hang everything including T-shirts and jumpers rather than fold in drawers.

I think the majority of people who work full time and live in large houses have cleaners. I work part-time, live in a small house and still have a cleaner come every fortnight.

Now I work less than full time and have a cleaner but that’s not helpful for you at the moment. Just saying that this is the reason my house is clean and tidy, it’s not a secret, it’s not magic. However, when the kids were little, I used to do these things that might help:

• if working from home after school drop off I spend 15/20 mins cleaning (in exchange for lunch at my desk). Set a timer! Quick blitz, as much as you can do. Normally the kitchen (everything in dishwasher, wipe surfaces, hoover).
• in the evening when the kids are in the bath, I would be in there with them but I’d clean the bathroom. Empty the bin, put a new bag in, clean the mirror, bleach the loo, wipe everything down (obv couldn’t do the bath). Oh on this point, keep the cleaning products and cloths you need in the room you use them in rather than in a cupboard in the kitchen for example.
• everyone makes their own bed in the morning
• kids put toys away at the end of the day - this starts 30 mins before bedtime so no rushing around and then leaving it all out cos it got too late
• something has to give so I didn’t do a lot of cooking during the week but I would try to batch cook at the weekends (nothing elaborate, just double the quantities when you’re cooking)

But honestly, don’t agonise. It’s sounds like you’re having a hard time and you need to focus on what is in front of you. You need your one hour each evening so don’t give that up. Things will get better.

I have 2 primary aged boys - we both work FT. No cleaner. DH does do a fair bit of housework though. Kids are neurodivergent and find it hard to go to sleep at night so chores have to be done while they are still awake.

In the week we mostly just try and stay on top of laundry, dishwasher/kitchen surfaces and general clutter during the week. Any serious cleaning happens on Saturday morning (which takes much less time if we've dealt with the clutter in the week) while DC watch some TV or play, then I take them out afterwards.

DC do have baths every night as it helps wind them down - I get through a lot of jobs like folding laundry, prepping uniforms and tidying upstairs while they are in the bath. They are old enough that I only need to be nearby, not in the room with them.

Tbh we've given up repeatedly trying to get DC to stay in bed. Once teeth, stories etc are done, as long as they are in bedrooms (if it's their own rooms its a bonus) and not on screens, we leave them to crack on with playing and stuff until they go to bed. That gives us a bit more time to sort downstairs out without them making more mess.

OP don't sacrifice your one hour of evening, its vital for your wellbeing.

No, look, we are all different. I also would love to be organised like the other poster, but in a household of neurodivergent people it’s just not going to happen.

I mean, sure, we can aim for a loose routine. But if constantly checking the time to see if it’s time for the next step in the routine yet is driving you MAD , then maybe let go of the routine a bit , is what I’m suggesting . I have ADHd by the way, and I just NEED that hour to myself at night, otherwise I go slightly mad. If I do more tidying after bedtime I end up going to bed later as just need the unwind time. So that can be done sometimes but now always (otherwise sleep debt = grumpy mama).

PS genuinely it is impossible to do it all when working and having children

the only reason I have a vaguely clean house is weekly cleaner

Practical advice.
Try spending 30 minutes a day on one room. Set a 30 min timer. Tidy, wipe/dust, hoover/wash floor. Next day, another 30 mins on another room.
Then maybe 10 mins a day to wipe/clean kitchen. And bathroom 10 min every other day? A timer helps. X

I feel you. I’m much the same and I have a very present domesticated husband and a cleaner twice a week. The way we are expected to work and parent in the modern world is unhinged. Let your standards drop, who cares no one is going to drop dead because of a scuzzy bathroom sending love xx

I'd also add, when you're WFH, you should be taking about. 5 minute screen break every hour or so. That's a great time to push the hoover round one room, swap the washing over, wipe a cloth round the sink, stick some bleach down the loo, wipe the benches down whilst waiting for the kettle etc. one task per little screen break.
If your job doesn't allow this, and you're genuinely in meetings all day, I'd consider starting to stagger the meetings by 5 mins, just to allow yourself to get up and stretch, take the screen break etc.

Also if you're in a meeting where you don't have to contribute much, take it on mute with headphones on (ideally on a phone), and job on whilst listening. Washing, kitchen and bathroom cleaning, dusting etc could all happen during a meeting, if it's not a really important one with a presentation or requiring lots of contribution from you.

Also, try to make use of 'dead time', whilst you're waiting for other stuff - kettles on empty the dishwasher or wipe benches, kids playing in the bath clean the sink, fish fingers in the oven get the washing up done, ten minutes til you need to leave the house get the washing folded. Any time you'd usually get your phone out and have a scroll on social media spend five minutes instead doing a quick job. May be an idea to make a list of quick jobs and putting it somewhere so you don't have to think about what needs done during this time.

I'd also consider thinking about what you eat for dinner to try to free up some time. Is there a meal you'd be happy to swap for a weekly frozen pizza or quick traybake or oven tray meal, to then free up some time whilst it's in the oven and generate less washing up in the process? Clean the kitchen whilst it's cooking, then wash the tray and plates straight after.

Haven't read the whole thread, but ive read all your replies @ComeOnNowww

My house is a tip most of the time (kids aged 10, 6 and 4) even with a husband who, by all accounts, I'm lucky to have because he actually helps (we dont split jobs in half, but each have our own e.g. he does all the laundry related stuff and I do all the cooking). We are a team, but even so we can't keep on top of it all.

Easy wins i try to implement:
Robot hoover- bought the cheapest one we saw that had good reviews. Paid about £130. It mops drags a wrt cloth around after itself as well as hoovering and i wouldnt be without one now as everywhere feels so much cleaner when the floors are done

Bathtime - I'll clean the bathroom while the kids are in the bath, or take a laundry basket in and fold/sort while I'm watching them. Get them in the bath for a bit longer to buy yourself some time. Try some sleepy bubble bath with lavender and see if that helps them settle

Jobs for the kids - they each choose 2 jobs they will help with. Mine lay/clear the table, load/unload the dishwasher. Let them pick so they feel a bit more invested.

Get ready bingo cards - got these from the works. Its been a game changer for getting the kids ready in the morning. First one to complete it gets a treat (e.g., to pick their tv show first or choose what we'll have for tea). Wasn't sure it would work but it does!

The Organised mum method - i dont stuck strictly to this, but it works when I remember

Remember, this is just a season of life. I even invite people in now when its a tip because I dont care! I have 3 kids and a full time job, and if you're gonna judge me, I don't want to be your friend!

Oh and ps a practical bed time tip: one of my kids is super clingy and always asking for another cuddle another back scratch another story etc etc (I know I’ll miss it when they’re okder but anyway it’s not practical when you need to do stuff!) I give a big hug and say “I’ll come right back for another one after I’ve had my tea/ had my bath/ hung out the washing” and after I’ve done that and pop my head back in, they’re always ALWAYS asleep. It’s like they just need to know you’re available before they can rest easy.

You’re in chaos because your head is in chaos because of your arse of a husband. And also you live in a large house. Divorce. Sell the house. Get a flat or a small two/ three bed that’s more manageable. Life will be much easier without the burden of the husband and the house. It’ll be your kingdom.

ps I did this and whilst my home is not spotless and I frequently feel there’s still tons to do, it is basically clean and (mostly) tidy. Except the bedrooms. But no-one sees them!

And please don’t say you’re not a good mum because your kids aren’t doing bloody music practice before school. Posters like this are just wanting to feel good about themselves.

Sorry to hear you're going through all that. Give yourself a break though, it's a bit of mess, it won't kill you and you have enough on your plate already, do a bit of cleaning at the weekend and drink that wine after the kids settle down in the evenings! It will get easier as they get older, be kind to yourself

I have a couple of nights a week where if I don’t go on mumsnet I can get other things done.

Get a cleaner op, ideally someone who’ll be coming 2-3 times a week for a regular cleaning, then twice a month deep cleaning- take it by areas.

I would also consider somebody to help with laundry- sorting, ironing.

Organise the kids first.
From September, they each have 6 shirts/polos, 6 trousers, 6 sets of underwear, 3 water bottles, 2 lunch bags. So every Friday, you wash and make 5 piles for each kid, and that’s uniform sorted for the whole following week.
School holidays: one week for each of the kid’s bedrooms. Be ruthless, whatever is broken/too small/hasn’t been played with: out!
2 lots of beddings for each kid, one in the wash, one on the bed.
Separate towels for the kids, separate laundry baskets, get them to choose them and it’s their job to put dirty stuff in and one load of washing for each kid, help them hang their own stuff, get a basket for clean laundry for each of them and make it their job to gather their own stuff and take it to their rooms. Give them ownership, or they’ll turn up like your husband, thinking the whole point of getting married is to have a human appliance at their beck and call. Give them each a bowl, a mug and a spoon: they’re responsible for getting them out in the morning and putting them in the dishwasher when they’re done, if they don’t, breakfast is in a jar next time.

Sort out your own stuff. Imagine you’re leaving him and moving all your stuff to a new house: what do you take, what do you throw away? Chuck old make up, cosmetics, clear the bathroom to the point: this is all I’m taking with me.

Do a house reset every evening before bed. Load the dishwasher, wipe the counters, tidy with your phone timer on for just 10 minutes.

Rinsing the sink takes 2 minutes, quick spray, quick wipe, then dry cloth.
Before you go to bed, a glug of bleach down the loo, put the lid on.

Go to bed with a notebook and make quick notes of what needs doing tomorrow, what’s for dinner etc.

Saturday morning dust their rooms and hoover. Whatever is still on the floor, gets eaten by Henry.
Put the tv on and tackle the bathroom, not perfect, but enough for you to actually enjoy getting in the shower. Put some clean clothes on, take 15 minutes to yourself, moisturise your hands, look at your skin, put some lip balm on.

Give yourself and hour to tackle the living room. Chuck whatever you’re not taking with you to your new home. Dust, Hoover, open the windows.

Basic, get your ducks in a row.

@ComeOnNowww I live in a huge house with just DH and DD7. House is spotless and no cleaner. The huge differences between us is that I have a very calm, sedate DD who doesn’t need to be told twice to tidy her room and make her bed and DH is very useful and engaged. You have two boisterous boys, a full on job and a useless DH. It makes no sense to ask me for tips and expect them to apply just as well for you as they do for me because we have dramatically different lives. You can’t compare apples with oranges as you will always come up short.

My only practical advice would be to sell stuff on vinted as you suggested and save up for a deep clean. Do this every few months. Don’t give up your precious decompressing time at the end of the evening and don’t cut your sleep short. You need your energy reserves for the upcoming separation with your DH. You are doing EVERYTHING by yourself and somehow keeping your shit together and being what sounds like a good mum to your boys. Focus on that please. And when you sit down with your wine this evening, give yourself a little toast for being so bloody brilliant.

Eh? The other five nights you just sit on MN? Bizarre!!

Agreed! Lovely post

For a start don’t mumsnet at gone midnight!

What age are your children?

Hi @ComeOnNowww

It sounds like you are drowning and your useless H is standing there watching you go under.
He could obviously use the bath/bedtime hours to clean downstairs - does he just absolutely refuse to even hoover anywhere?
If that's the case, and it sounds like it ia and you've kind of made your peace with that, then just do what you can and don't stress too much.

Your kids are still very young - they will grow out of the 'mummy has to be with me all the time' stage.

I like the idea of The Organised Mum method, combined with cleaning the bathroom during kids' bath time (loo and sink definitely).

I used boxes for their toys (2 boys, so lots of cars/soldiers/lego), and got them to spend 5 minutes before bath putting their toys away, with me helping.

Limit the number of toys available at any one time too.

The boys can help with some chores too, eg stripping their beds and taking bed linen to the washing machine.
Putting their plates etc in the dishwasher, if you have one, or by the sink.
Dusting.

But my top tip is to declutter- clutter is the enemy of clean.
Allocate say 15 minutes to declutter a particular area, eg living room surfaces. Either put the item where it belongs, put it in a bag for charity, or in the bin.
And be ruthless.
Then keep your surfaces clear - no ornaments (just more to dust) - not forever, just while your boys are still small.

Good luck OP. This too shall pass!