Regret blocking my only friend

[LovingPeachFatball]

He is my only friend in the city. We started out dating a year ago but it ended after I discovered that he had a partner who he expected me to be poly with. I also recently found out he has a child. The idea of polyamory was suggested to her after she was pregnant, at the end of her childbearing years, and finanically dependent on him. Sounds to me like she was in a bit of a hostage situation and forced to agree.

He is still in love with me and trying to talk me round to moving in with his family and having babies with him immediately. He and his wife are 10 years older than me and I am way too young to have a baby, I also don't have any romantic feelings for him anymore and I'm dating other people.

I blocked him because he talked down on my looks, told me that only desperate low-value women use dating apps (he and I met on bumble) and tried to humiliate me by sexually harassing a young employee of the cafe we were at. (I think the 'looks disparity' between us is localized exclusively in his own brain). He also regurgitated some Redditor rhetoric about how a large amount of rape cases being dismissed = women often lie about rape which I found really repulsive. He went on to say that he has loads and loads of romantic prospects and could walk into town and easily take any woman home to have sex with. I asked why doesn't he do that instead of pursuing me and he told me he 'wants me'.

I have literally no friends and he was the only person in the city who I know who takes me out to do nice things. I feel extremely alone and I regret falling out with him but I can't just let someone treat me however crazy way they want just because they're freaking out about not wanting to get back together and not being in control.

No youre being called those things because of your attitude towards peoples replies to this thread NOT because of your comments about this woman.

She’s in a relationship with an unpleasant man who mistreats her because of poor self-esteem. It’s not that mysterious. Why you are obsessed with him and why he was your sole friend in the world despite only wanting to impregnate you is far more peculiar.

He is still in love with me and trying to talk me round

Oh girl ….. he is NOT in love with you.

He is a greedy, creepy cheating wanker who wants his cake and eat it. He also has no respect for women.

No, that’s not why you’ve been called names. When you join a group of women and start being incredibly nasty about another woman (in this case, the wife and other posters), you are signalling to the group that you are not a friend, you are not to be trusted and you are not a nice person, which is a trait that most people want in the people they talk to.

And not only have you been utterly contemptuous of this poor woman but, more importantly, you haven’t recognised that you’ve done it and when it was pointed out to you, you seemed surprised that it would matter to anyone.

Are you autistic OP? It’s just that you seem to have an inability to relate to people that I’ve only seen in people with Asperger’s.

I think you really want this man actually, deep down. But not that deep down because you’re clearly not a very deep person. You’re being so vile and disparaging about his wife that you’re coming across as incredibly jealous. It doesn’t mean you’re in love with him or necessarily fancies him but you clearly want him.

Have you seen what she’s saying on this thread? No wonder girly doesn’t have any other friends 🙃

OP, again the daughter of a polyamorist avant le mot here. My mother could have done better than my father. She was loyal by temperament and it was the 80s, she believed in the permanence of marriage, she was scared of the shit he'd throw at her if she left (rightly, I think)... in short, you don't know why his wife is staying. It's not your problem either.

That said, I agree that you're getting much more grief on here than you deserve, and I have a hypothesis now as to why you were so vulnerable to this man. What you write about dreaming of your dead boyfriend sounds horrible. I'm currently dealing with guilt about a suicide that wasn't nearly as close to me, and it's really hard.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that and sorry it has happened. I think 'poly boy' sensed your vulnerability deriving from this shock. People who feel bereft, confused and perhaps guilty put up with stuff. He really is vile.

It's hardened you in some ways, too, I suspect. You're right that compared to your dead bf, his wife does have a lot more choice. To quote the Grimm fairy tale, you can find something better than death anywhere.

I think you need help grieving and sorting through all the what-ifs and whys of your boyfriend's death. You've carried this burden for years, you need to lay it down somehow. All the best.

I’d rather be single and friendless forevermore that have a twat like that in my life!

OP appears to be wired very differently from the "norm"......

Maybe it's the heat specifically affecting this first time poster?

I get a vivid dream of his corpse in some state of decay

I’m sure I read another post like this sometime in the past.

Does anyone else remember?

I’m sure I remember some threads about a poster who was blamed by many people for her ex’s death and I’m sure someone on one of the threads knew who she was! I remember the poster had quite a unique and dramatic posting style like this OP.

Abuse, coercive control, self esteem damaged by years of bad men, if you really don’t understand that then you are either not a women or I stand by my earlier categorisation. And where so you get off judging other women, saying she can’t do better. You don’t even know her, how about having sympathy for a fellow women in a bad situation? I really can’t be doing with women who do other women down, as I said their are enough shitty, misogynist men in the world to do that without you joining in.

Maybe work on yourself, make some friends (unless you can’t, in which case what does that say about you? Worth reflecting on) and work on your empathy. That will make you a better person and less likely to take scraps of attention from crappy men.