I called social services on my friend. I don’t know how long I can keep in contact with her

[Peaceofmind12]

I made a post yesterday I’m making another one today as I need somewhere to let it out. Although I feel at ease now that I’ve called social services. I also feel really guilty. I called social services on my friend today she already has support from them but I did it in the intention of making sure she gets more help and cover and blind spots they might have.

more often than not her child is in wet dirty nappies, nails are long and black and dirty bed clothes and uncombed hair. I’ve tried to not be judgment as it’s hard as a mum and I know she has depression. I’ve tried to be a friend while hearing stories I disagree with. The final story that done it for me is her boyfriend of 2 months has moved into her house and recently physically beat her up to the point of giving her a black eye.

Although I want to be a friend and support her through this I’m finding it really hard on my conscious and morals. She’s so far in that the abuse is coming with an excuse (even though it’s still early days with this man) and when I pull her up about if she’s needs support with her child as I’ve notice things she will say “oh it’s because she drinks loads” (the baby) or “it’s because she won’t sit still to let me do her hair or nails” I know this is not true as when I’m with her from the time we meet till the end the baby will continue to be in the same wet nappy they arrive with. even after I mention it and as a mum myself I know regular baths stop dirty foot bottoms and extreme black nails. And if it was true why does the child always look unclean without fail whatever the day or time

I feel like a crap friend for getting to this point but I don’t know how long I can be friends with her while her and her child life and safest progressively get worse.

@teudhly thanks for saying this. That is why I was worried to say anything as I don’t want to sound like a stuck up mum. But she’s told me herself social services are helping her make a routine with her daughter and she was regularly out driving with guys with alcohol with her child for “fun” after 11pm on a regular which is not usually kid activities. Kids do get messy and I reframed from saying anything for a while as I know that. But you can tel the difference between a child who has been out having messy play and a child you spent the early day with and the evening and has not had its bum changed while you have been with them or that messy play is even in their schedule

drop contact. Let social deal with it, hopefully she accepts help if she doesn’t hopefully they remove the baby before any serious lasting damage is done.

@teudhly

I don’t think your circumstances are really relevant here. The OP knows the mum and has a first hand understanding of the circumstances and what she has assessed as neglect and possible abuse. She has rightly acted on her concerns.

It's quite easy to discern a child who is mucky through daily play from one who's mucky from neglect. Same for the wet nappies - a fresh-on nappy vs one that's been on for hours and is saggy to the knees.

Every child needs a voice and op has done absolutely the right thing by reporting. And should keep reporting until something changes.

I wonder if the mother would actually feel relief if her child was taken away?

She may wail and protest but some people are not up to being a parent and should never have children. Whatever her situation she can't truly love her child very much as she cares so little for its welfare.

The poor, poor child.

You have done the right thing - if she can’t keep her child safe she needs support, and hopefully social services will support her.

Well done OP. I can't believe she was saying she is trying for a baby with the new boyfriend who she has been with for 2 months and who has beaten her up. I hope you also mentioned the DV to SS.

I don't care about her issues; she is not fit to be a mother and her own mother is just as bad by allowing this go on under her roof.

Stay in touch. You’re the only one keeping tabs on this poor child.

Page 4 | My friend boyfriend beat her up | Mumsnet
OP's previous thread

The sooner we really understand that neglect is abuse the better. So many people separate them out but actually neglect takes such a toll on children as there are not specific memories because it is what is absent not what is happening.

Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility, not just a select few. You absolutely made the correct call by reporting your friend to SS. Yes, she's your friend but the child's safety and welfare have to come before your friendship. Your friend needs support, to help her care for her child and to try and make her see the mistakes she's making. Unfortunately, some women, no matter how much support they're given, will always put a man before their own child. These are women who are selfish, see a child as an inconvenience and will put their own wants first.

Hopefully SS will involve themselves much more and intervene to ensure her child is being cared for. If being in your friend's company, is causing you nothing but stress, and worry, then it's time to walk away. Your own well-being and MH comes before your friendship. Nothing is worth making yourself unwell. It's not mean or nasty, you're not letting your friend down, you are walking away from a toxic situation.

At least wait until there is a resolution for the child's welfare. Stepping back then will feel better than leaving the situation in the middle of this crisis.

Her child deserves better. Poor little thing. I would not be able to help myself i would say something like should aunty name change your nappy seen as mummy can't be bothered. All toddlers sometimes have a sagging nappy at some point in time. Too long on a day out or a distracted shopping trip but a regular occurrence is just disgusting and unacceptable. You made the right call she sounds like a selfish individual who puts her own needs before that of her children. You can say depression all you like but ultimately many a mother has been depressed and self neglected but has consistently shown up making sure clothes are clean, nappies are changed, nails are cut and hair is washed. It is the bare minimum.

I think you are missing the point. This child looks dirty and neglected each and every time the OP sees them. And not being finny but the Mum doesn’t sound the type to be doing gardening or messy play with her child.

OP you have done the right thing. The OP’s ‘boyfriend’ is dangerous and abusive, quite apart from the issues of neglect, he likely poses a serious risk to life and limb of that poor defenseless child.

From that perspective calling SS was a good call as it might help you save the friendship or, if not, at least you have kicked protective services into high gear.

Honestly how would you feel if indulging her as a friend lead to the death of the baby? Women like this are in a delusional, non rational, state. She can’t be coaxed out of it without tons of SS supports, therapy, and scaffolding. Your friendship, though important, isn’t enough.

@teudhlymessy play dirt and ingrained dirt from neglect are 2 different things. This isn’t about your healthy boisterous kid it’s about a clearly neglected kid who is potentially being lined up to be a victim of her mother’s boyfriend’s violence.

Yes you can tell the difference, don't let daft posts make you doubt yourself - you've done the right thing.

@teudhly if your child is routinely wandering around filthy with a full nappy then maybe you need help. There's grubby after play and there's neglect and only parents who neglect their child cant tell the difference.

Well done you, I really wish there were more people like you around. Look at all the abuse and worse aimed at children, it's horrendous, never feel guilty from saving a child from neglect x

Can you handle it ? Then stick it out for the sake of the child

if it’s damaged your mental health leave well alone

You’re advocating for neglected children growing up in not great home conditions. If this makes you a crap friend, so be it.

You have to be a voice for these children when they don’t have one.

Totally agree! People think it’s none of their business. It’s everyone’s responsibility to look out for the children around them. Whether that’s relatives, friends, neighbours or through work.
Not getting involved leads to children getting badly hurt or worse.

Domestic violence is harmful to children even if they are not being directly physically hurt.

Social services are there to offer help and support, they are not some kind of evil bogeyman hell bent on snatching kids away.

Intimate partner homicide is a massive issue in the UK and women are murdered by partners and husbands every week.

You should not feel bad for trying to keep your friend and her child safe.

I have to question your motivation for posting this - the OP clearly feels guilty and has obviously questioned whether the neglect she has seen is situational, hence being clear that this child's nappy is not being changed over a prolonged period of time, that they are routinely filthy rather than accumulating filth over the course of a fun, engaging day, and that they are now living with a violent man who is barely known to her mother.

If you read all that and still thought it was a good idea to pipe up to say that your healthy, well-looked after child is occasionally dirty with a full nappy, then either you are seeking to downplay this mother's lack of effort in order to feel better about your own, or you are trying to make the OP feel guilty for doing the right thing in this situation, neither of which are fair or helpful.

You did the right thing 100 %

Everything you described in your post is a Child Protection issue especially the domestic abuse incident so you were right to notify Children's Services