I called social services on my friend. I don’t know how long I can keep in contact with her

[Peaceofmind12]

I made a post yesterday I’m making another one today as I need somewhere to let it out. Although I feel at ease now that I’ve called social services. I also feel really guilty. I called social services on my friend today she already has support from them but I did it in the intention of making sure she gets more help and cover and blind spots they might have.

more often than not her child is in wet dirty nappies, nails are long and black and dirty bed clothes and uncombed hair. I’ve tried to not be judgment as it’s hard as a mum and I know she has depression. I’ve tried to be a friend while hearing stories I disagree with. The final story that done it for me is her boyfriend of 2 months has moved into her house and recently physically beat her up to the point of giving her a black eye.

Although I want to be a friend and support her through this I’m finding it really hard on my conscious and morals. She’s so far in that the abuse is coming with an excuse (even though it’s still early days with this man) and when I pull her up about if she’s needs support with her child as I’ve notice things she will say “oh it’s because she drinks loads” (the baby) or “it’s because she won’t sit still to let me do her hair or nails” I know this is not true as when I’m with her from the time we meet till the end the baby will continue to be in the same wet nappy they arrive with. even after I mention it and as a mum myself I know regular baths stop dirty foot bottoms and extreme black nails. And if it was true why does the child always look unclean without fail whatever the day or time

I feel like a crap friend for getting to this point but I don’t know how long I can be friends with her while her and her child life and safest progressively get worse.

The messiness is a red herring. The issue is the violent boyfriend. Thats a clear safeguarding issue.

There is absolutely no question that you have done the right thing.

Come on, you know you’ve done the right thing. You can have compassion for your friend and still see that the baby is in danger. This is a very well trodden path and she must have suffered all sorts in her life to have arrived here - but that baby can’t protect themself, and babies die in these circumstances.

Keep reporting what you see, please. We know social workers and services are flawed and miss things. That baby needs you to keep telling them.

Exactly! My kids are always outside playing and getting super messy. I also never change a nappy the moment it gets wet like some parents seem obsessed with doing, and none of my three kids has ever had nappy rash. All of my children are bathed daily and are very well looked after. So I wouldn’t necessarily worried about the appearance of this kid. I’d be far more concerned about the abusive boyfriend.

For the sake of the child could you stick it out to see if social services act on it. Even if she tells you somebody reported her, maybe say, well maybe this is a good reason to get more help. Say, would you like me to help you bath your child and get some clean clothes on. It's worth a try to help her get a routine. To be honest it would be best if her child was removed from the situation.

I csn't find your post from yesterday, can you post a link to it plz?
Thanks

Why are you taking this as a criticism of YOUR parenting?

As has been said several times there is a vast difference between grubby and neglect. The difference is obvious.

This child is being neglected and their welfare is taking a back seat to the Mothers "fun".

There’s already a link upthread

This is so difficult for you @Peaceofmind12. You are trying so hard not to come out and directly say that she wants a different life, she doesn’t want to be a mother, she is reckless with her child’s life. I’d guess she is still very young.

You clearly have a conflict around loyalty, compassion, etc for your friend (as others have pointed out she likely has complex trauma leading her to this point) but all of your instincts are sending deafening alarm bells around this whole situation.

We are all rooting for you and supporting you, and asking if you can hold fast and be present for that child. Just take a deep breath and get through it when meeting up with her: have a reason ready to get away so that it doesn’t have to be for a long time.

if you think SS haven’t acted, contact the Doctors Surgery or Health Visitor.

Or ring SS again. Far from being anonymous, you deserve an award for doing the right thing.

As a previous poster said, ask yourself which you would find easier to live with: having an argument with/falling out with your friend because she knows you’ve had no choice but to seek the help of outside agencies, or something catastrophic happening to the baby.

What are social services actually doing? The boyfriend will harm the child next as he’s already started with your friend and got away with it. Do social services know her boyfriend has harmed yourfriend and is living in the house. Sorry to put so much on you but there are too many incidents where services/ friends/ family do not take action and then dreadful abuse happens. Please report this again and make sure you have a record of your report- email as well as ring. Lots of love and luck to you , you are doing the right thing

Is this post touching a nerve? Not sure why you’ve turned it to be about you?

If you read the posts properly, you’ll see clearly that the child is at risk of harm. OP has rightly and bravely advocated for that child as no-one else is.

If you don’t see that, you should consider a parental
safeguarding course.

You are definitely not an enabler, you haven't turned a blind eye and you've spoken up for a defenceless child who can't speak for themselves. On behalf of all the children we've seen in awful news stories recently (and those suffering behind closed doors), thank you ❤️

I think you have absolutely done the right thing so please be kind to yourself. Can you engineer an opportunity for you to offer to pop the little one in the bath while at yours though? I don't know if you have kids the same age but maybe some painting/ messy play then they bath and fresh nappy? Not that you need to buy just to help the baby x

Please don't cut her off, for the sake of the child. I know ultimately this isn't your responsibility but if you can, I'd try to keep an eye on things because they could get much worse with this new bf around.

You've done totally the right thing by calling social services btw. My concern is they don't intervene and that innocent little baby will have no protection.

Not at all! But the OP keeps mentioning “more often than not her child is in wet dirty nappies, nails are long and black and dirty bed clothes and uncombed hair.” which to me
can or cannot a safeguarding issue depending of the situation. However what is scary the is boyfriend for her and her babies safety. I am not sure if for him social services is the place to go or some other place that protect women.

This 100% I’ll just add well done for contacting social services you have definitely done the right thing. If you can stick around a bit longer and it’s not detrimental to your own health do so, just to make sure that social services tune up and offer support. If not contact them again.

As a friend, why dont you offer to look after the child for couple of days? Be a true friend in child best interest! And thats not to be separated from the mother, but help the mother go on the right direction for the child and for herself. Depression is no joke and needs medication/treatment :(((

I've been where you are but with my mum and my little sister. Unfortunately the bar for removal is extremely high so children do have to suffer a lot before a court order can be granted. I hope your friend can pull herself together before then.

You have done the right thing.

I guess I wonder, and this isn't a loaded question because it's not your responsibility, but seems worth considering, if it gets to the point, would you be willing to look after the child?

I think you’ve completely and worryingly missed the point the OP is trying to make.

The two things together (unkempt child and abusive partners) are massive red flags. This is CLEARLY not just a normal child getting messy.

OP if other people reported concerns like this there would be less of those devastating news stories come out about neglected children with their abusive step dads and passive mums. You absolutely did the right thing. Maybe see her reaction to the report (I know she won't know it's you) before you judge whether to drop her or not?

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Are you on the wrong thread?

This.
💯this.
Well done @Peaceofmind12💐

@Peaceofmind12 if you stay in contact you will know if Social Services have done anything and see if the poor wee child is still at major risk.