I called social services on my friend. I don’t know how long I can keep in contact with her

[Peaceofmind12]

I made a post yesterday I’m making another one today as I need somewhere to let it out. Although I feel at ease now that I’ve called social services. I also feel really guilty. I called social services on my friend today she already has support from them but I did it in the intention of making sure she gets more help and cover and blind spots they might have.

more often than not her child is in wet dirty nappies, nails are long and black and dirty bed clothes and uncombed hair. I’ve tried to not be judgment as it’s hard as a mum and I know she has depression. I’ve tried to be a friend while hearing stories I disagree with. The final story that done it for me is her boyfriend of 2 months has moved into her house and recently physically beat her up to the point of giving her a black eye.

Although I want to be a friend and support her through this I’m finding it really hard on my conscious and morals. She’s so far in that the abuse is coming with an excuse (even though it’s still early days with this man) and when I pull her up about if she’s needs support with her child as I’ve notice things she will say “oh it’s because she drinks loads” (the baby) or “it’s because she won’t sit still to let me do her hair or nails” I know this is not true as when I’m with her from the time we meet till the end the baby will continue to be in the same wet nappy they arrive with. even after I mention it and as a mum myself I know regular baths stop dirty foot bottoms and extreme black nails. And if it was true why does the child always look unclean without fail whatever the day or time

I feel like a crap friend for getting to this point but I don’t know how long I can be friends with her while her and her child life and safest progressively get worse.

You are doing the right thing. I wouldn’t be able to be genuinely friends with a woman who would move her boyfriend in after 2 months when she has a child, as being honest I have complete contempt for this kind of woman. But if you can stand to be around her it’s important to maintain at least the appearance of friendship so you can look out for her poor baby.

I don’t think the messiness is necessarily that bad. But the situation with the violent boyfriend shows she does not have capacity to parent in her child’s best interests.

This. How does she respond if you physically put a changing mat out and say right you change Emma and I’ll make you a cold drink? Or do you want to do it the other way around and you give me the nappies?

is she getting help for her depression? The physical assault - it’s hard remember she is a victim too. Empowerment is tricky - with her eye would she have let you take her to the minor injuries unit or something? Eg I’m going to drive you as it is really bad and we need to check your eye socket. And then support a disclosure.

There is a world of difference between "messiness" and always filthy isn't there.

I suspect a couple of posters here are suffering pangs of conscience......

You done the right thing by the child and by your friend. She won’t see it that way but this is right for her too.

You've done the right thing.
Objectively, she is not being a good mum but introducing this bloke into the mix is downright dangerous and if she cant see that then someone has to step in for that child.

I should have said the messiness on its own is not necessarily that bad. I definitely know toddlers who are pretty much always a bit grubby, but I know they’re well cared for. I don’t think it matters (or I would even notice?) if a baby’s hair is combed, for example.

However, as part of the wider picture in this specific case the lack of cleanliness does clearly speak to neglect. I’m not defending it, don’t get me wrong.

LizardLore

Surely anyone with an iota of common-sense can tell the difference between grubby this moment and filthy through constant neglect?!

I remember children when I was a child who were ALWAYS really dirty and smelly. Comparing them to a child who's got dirty playing is like chalk and cheese.

"A bit grubby" doesn't come close.

You’ve done the right thing - you need to be at peace with yourself on this.
how would you feel if this child was badly hurt or worse, killed
I am sure in time you’ll make peace with yourself

You did the right thing.

Please don't doubt yourself.

Good Lord! You did the right thing.
safeguarding is everyone’s concern.

Someone who does that to a new partner within that short space of time would not hesitate to start on the child.

You would never forgive yourself if something happened.

You totally did the right thing! The child's health and safety is the most important things and I'm sure if your friend was able to think clearly she'd agree with you 100%. Fingers crossed everything works out for them both, please stop beating yourself up you have nothing to feel guilty about xxx

Well done OP for doing the right thing … let’s just hope SS actually do their job and deal with this!

You did the right thing. You’re not a bad friend, but that’s not as important anyway as safeguarding the child. I’m sorry to say I think you should try to maintain some contact with this person, if she’ll allow it, in order that the child has a person looking out for them.

You have 100% done the right thing. Her new partner has likely preyed upon her vulnerability. Children of DV are victims and SS should take this change in her circumstances very seriously.

As others have said WELL DONE for not staying quiet because the child needs your voice. Even if you were mistaken, which it really doesn’t sound like you were, raising a concern in good faith is the only thing to do.
Also, if you can stay in the picture just for the child’s sake … social services dont always take the right action.

You have done the right thing OP, I know the guilty feeling as I had to report my sister once many years ago and it was so hard. You have to remind yourself that your friend is an adult and makes her own decisions but the child has no say and needs someone to consider their best interests.

You should offer to take the child regularly. It could be life changing for the child and this is your friend

You have absolutely done the right thing.
She is a crap, selfish excuse of a 'parent', putting her sex life ahead of her child.

I'm going to get flamed for this but f*ck it. You're not unreasonable for having these concerns, you are for your approach which is quite frankly spineless and manipulative.
She's not your friend, if she was you'd have had a very direct conversation about these issues and told her sort herself out or you'd be taking the action that you have, and not lied to her face.
When she finds out it was you, which if any of the issues mentioned go to court, (which is very likely), she will. Regardless of how the situation is remedied she'll never trust another friendship again and likely become significantly more isolated.

My ASD child used to have extremely knotted, unkempt hair, but that was due to them finding the sensation of brushing incredibly distressing. You pick your battles. They did have excessive cleanliness issues in other areas though so it was distinct from your friend’s case.

I’d be surprised if your friend hadn’t been reported by other people they come in contact with too. Health visitors, any nursery staff etc.

As someone who has worked in and around safeguarding and child protection a child who is grubby from playing etc is very different from a child who is being neglected. My own children got dirty but a child who needs social services involvement is very different. The OP has done the right thing. Also if domestic abuse comes into the equation the risk is much higher for mother and child.

@RainbowMoonbeam ive been sitting down and having conversations with her about different situations for a while now. I’ve been that understanding that her involvement and poor decisions has got me, my child and her and her child followed by in a car by men she was messing with.

I even had one last conversation to tell her to seek help as there are charities you can get support without tellin your name. Anyways the court won’t find out it’s me as I gave an anonymous call.

I tried to be a good friend, I tried to wait as I genuinely believed she would see light. But as every month goes by it get worse and worse. After this occasion with her being physical hurt this time she showed no concern about what this could do to her little one. I had the choice to either give up on her and say this is all on her. Or I can reach out and get her some help (which is what I did).

I’m not a professional but even in an abusive relationship people show thought for their child’s wellbeing even if they continue to stay with the abuser? It didn’t cross her mind or make her second think which I found strange

Ignore that poster. They are both rude and wrong. You have tried faithfully to do the right thing and you have done the right thing.

As the days go on and I can really digest everything without making excuses to her. Honestly it’s not nice to say but some mums can resent their child for taking their freedom away. And this can result in them choosing men and their validation as an escape over their child.