I called social services on my friend. I don’t know how long I can keep in contact with her

[Peaceofmind12]

I made a post yesterday I’m making another one today as I need somewhere to let it out. Although I feel at ease now that I’ve called social services. I also feel really guilty. I called social services on my friend today she already has support from them but I did it in the intention of making sure she gets more help and cover and blind spots they might have.

more often than not her child is in wet dirty nappies, nails are long and black and dirty bed clothes and uncombed hair. I’ve tried to not be judgment as it’s hard as a mum and I know she has depression. I’ve tried to be a friend while hearing stories I disagree with. The final story that done it for me is her boyfriend of 2 months has moved into her house and recently physically beat her up to the point of giving her a black eye.

Although I want to be a friend and support her through this I’m finding it really hard on my conscious and morals. She’s so far in that the abuse is coming with an excuse (even though it’s still early days with this man) and when I pull her up about if she’s needs support with her child as I’ve notice things she will say “oh it’s because she drinks loads” (the baby) or “it’s because she won’t sit still to let me do her hair or nails” I know this is not true as when I’m with her from the time we meet till the end the baby will continue to be in the same wet nappy they arrive with. even after I mention it and as a mum myself I know regular baths stop dirty foot bottoms and extreme black nails. And if it was true why does the child always look unclean without fail whatever the day or time

I feel like a crap friend for getting to this point but I don’t know how long I can be friends with her while her and her child life and safest progressively get worse.

Kids health and safety have to come first above any friends or relative always

You know you did the right thing. Your friend is making really poor decisions that directly impact her child. There also sounds like neglectful behaviour going on. Add to that, the new bf is violent and it is a recipe for disaster.

The child must be the priority, then your friend.

It’s got to the point that I don’t want to be friends with her. I’m finding it hard to see she needs support and more feel anger towards her as a parent.

I can’t decide if I should stick it out and keep trying to guide her to do the right thing. Or just cut her off

You did the right thing, OP. You’re being a voice for that child when they don’t have one.

You did the right thing. That child is helpless and needs someone to be their voice. I know it is hard but I would not end the friendship yet. I would be keeping an eye on the child and the situation in case she puts an act on for the social worker.

Thank you for doing this. So many children suffer unnecessarily. She might get some support and guidance and get back on the right track.

If you have the mental and emotional strength for it then I think she needs you to be there for her. If she is in an abusive relationship she may not be coping and your support could become vital when the time comes for her to get out. It also gives you an opportunity to have an extra set of eyes on the child and look out for injuries etc.

that being said, it could be very difficult for you to hang in there for her, so nobody would blame you for taking a step back if you need to

Try to look at it as "I called Social Services to help my friend to receive some extra support to care for her child".

Saying "I called Social Services on my friend" makes it sound as though it's something really bad when it isn't. You are just acting in the child's best interest.

So many people use the term "reporting to Social Services" and I think it's that term that makes people so afraid of them. Some parents genuinely need support through no fault of their own.

You did the right thing OP.

The welfare of a child always needs to come first.

I would argue you are being a friend by doing what you have done. Being a friend doesn't always mean doing the thing that is superficially kind, and easy to do. It means doing the right thing even if it's hard.

You did the right thing . Witnessing domestic violence , physical or otherwise is damaging for that poor child in the short and long term .

It’s so hard because before this guy she was making bad decisions that impacted her child. And I feel like how long do I stay as support before I just say your a disgusting person. I feel like an enabler for even being there as a ‘friend’ it’s causing me so much stress

You have, without doubt, done the kindest, most caring thing for the innocent child in the middle of all of this. Your friend clearly has very poor self-esteem, is drawn to this awful man and isn’t in a position to make good decisions for her own life and wellbeing, never mind those on behalf of an infant. No matter how much drama is created by doing this, please keep reassuring yourself that it was necessary to protect the child from what could’ve been horrendous violence - either witnessing it or being subjected to it.

The boyfriend should be in jail. I’d be astonished if a Claire’s Law request doesn’t reveal he has a long track record as it’s really not common to be hitting and controlling brand new partners two months in. The nice best-behaviour phase came and went in a flash. He seems to find it pretty routine. Absolute savagery. I’m worried for your friend, OP.

Agree. Try to think of it as very different to the code of silence you might associate with reporting people (like him) to the police for fear of reprisal etc. Instead, as a good friend, you recognised that she needed help to deal with a man that has her under his violent conteol. She won’t be able to get her son safely away without you or SS helping. She wouldn’t know what to do and he certainly won’t help her think clearly. You’ve done brilliantly. I’d do the same, 100%.

This man is a danger to the child. That child could end up dead and then you would really have something to feel bad about. You did the right thing, and you have more than a good enough reason to cut contact if that’s what’s best for you.

I called Social Services on a couple who left their baby in a car outside a pub, they did this regularly in winter, a cold part of England, snow had fallen.
They gad a visit and a chat and changed their behaviour.

Thank you for being the person who saw what was going on and did not turn the other way.

A relative's neighbour listened to abuse going on for months, which finally came to light to the other neighbours when an ambulance and the Police turned up after someone else heard it. According to her, she'd heard it all for months and did nothing because she "didn't want to get involved".

Thank you. ❤️

You are a good person and you have without a doubt definitely done the right thing.
Thank you for being a voice for that poor child.
I hope you’ll be able to find a way to remain in touch with this person to keep an eye on whether things improve.
Regardless, you made the right call.

Well my toddler has black finger nails as we speak because he’s been playing in the garden all day.
His hair always looks a mess because it stands up on end even after washing and combing.
He also has a clean outfit on every morning but will be covered in chalk, grass, mud, you name it he’ll have it down him by lunch time if he’s at home or at nursery.
He also drinks a lot and likes to wait until his nappy has been changed before he goes and can fill a nappy with one pee as soon as he’s been changed which might look like he’s had it on a while.
I don’t have a violent husband but other than that perhaps my well looked after, bathed and cared for toddler looks a mess a lot of the time.

I am just saying, if someone could see my little one when he comes in from the garden or nursery enjoying messy play they might assume he is unwashed and in unwashed clothes but that isn’t the case, kids love messy play even when they are washed before and after which I would assume would be after she got home.

I would have concerns about the boyfriend but not because he “looks” unbathed.

OP of course you did the right thing. I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t also say something to the mother and push back when she excuses what sounds like neglect. I think there is more for you to do here, firmly. It doesn’t need to be mean or aggressive and can come from a place of love and care, but that baby is suffering and it’s not ok.

Walk away, professionals are involved, you’ve done the right thing as you’ve been told numerous times, time to put yourself first now it’s affecting you.

THIS - you have to be cruel to be kind sometimes.

Just want to say well done, proud of you. And if nothing changes with them report again and again. U might just save that wee babes life one day. Think of the guilt u would have if u never reported and something happened. Ur friend needs help. She also needs to get rid of the asshole and accept help. You have done the right thing.

Anyone can make a Clare's Law request, as PP mentioned. As PP suggested, this is likely a pattern of behaviour, so it might be worth you putting in a request as it will likely put your mind at rest that you've done the right thing (which you obviously have) and gives you the full picture then as to how involved you wish to stay with your friend and her situation