I called social services on my friend. I don’t know how long I can keep in contact with her

[Peaceofmind12]

I made a post yesterday I’m making another one today as I need somewhere to let it out. Although I feel at ease now that I’ve called social services. I also feel really guilty. I called social services on my friend today she already has support from them but I did it in the intention of making sure she gets more help and cover and blind spots they might have.

more often than not her child is in wet dirty nappies, nails are long and black and dirty bed clothes and uncombed hair. I’ve tried to not be judgment as it’s hard as a mum and I know she has depression. I’ve tried to be a friend while hearing stories I disagree with. The final story that done it for me is her boyfriend of 2 months has moved into her house and recently physically beat her up to the point of giving her a black eye.

Although I want to be a friend and support her through this I’m finding it really hard on my conscious and morals. She’s so far in that the abuse is coming with an excuse (even though it’s still early days with this man) and when I pull her up about if she’s needs support with her child as I’ve notice things she will say “oh it’s because she drinks loads” (the baby) or “it’s because she won’t sit still to let me do her hair or nails” I know this is not true as when I’m with her from the time we meet till the end the baby will continue to be in the same wet nappy they arrive with. even after I mention it and as a mum myself I know regular baths stop dirty foot bottoms and extreme black nails. And if it was true why does the child always look unclean without fail whatever the day or time

I feel like a crap friend for getting to this point but I don’t know how long I can be friends with her while her and her child life and safest progressively get worse.

Well, I do';t know how she'll react.. But if it's a choice between losing someone's friendship and rsking a child's safety- well, I don't think there is a choice.

I’d stay involved to monitor it. As hard as that is, for the child’s sake.

Children need to be protected, this comes above all else. Please stay friends with her even if it’s just to keep an eye on the child’s welfare. You may be the only positive influence in that child’s life

I can’t decide if I should stick it out and keep trying to guide her to do the right thing. Or just cut her off

Don't see it as supporting her. She's not going to change. But if you could hold your metaphorical nose and keep visiting then you would be supporting the child. Somebody needs to know what's going on in that house and to keep reporting if (probably when) necessary.

Couldn’t read and run. Just…Well done for contacting SS. You may have saved that child from further abuse.

@Peaceofmind12
I saw this today
https://www.dailymail.com/news/article-15922421/Mother-boyfriend-sexually-assaulted-murdered-two-year-old-daughter-fracturing-21-bones-body-campaign-violence-court-hears.html

And thought of your last thread.

You did the right thing.

Separate to the degenerate POS boyfriend she sounds like a terrible mother its good social services have as much info as possible...maybe her child wont be the mext to get killed.

I agree with others, you were absolutely right to report and if you can emotionally handle it, then I would try to maintain the friendship to keep an eye on this child. Social services don’t always get the full picture, I imagine any planned visits your friend will have her home and child spotless, bf out the way and bruises covered. Are there any other supportive adults in this child’s life? Grandparents or nursery workers or other mum friends? It’s a lot if you’re the only one looking out for them, I can understand why you’d want to step back. There’s just so many horror stories these days, you can’t help worry about the worst

And I hope ss give this the priority it deserves

My initial thought was …….’poor child’……..and mum now has a violent, abusive boyfriend! I know is would be wrong but I’d want to rake the child home and take care of it.
Does your friend have any family close by to support her?
This is a traumatic incident waiting to happen! How long before BF seriously hurts your friend? How long before he turns his attention to the child?
Please, OP, keep on calling CSS.

Well done OP.
Don't feel gulity if you need to walk away. This could take a heavy toll on your own wellbeing.
You've already done a lot more than some do in similar situations.
If you are confident you have highlighted ALL of your concerns to Children's Services, you can walk away and leave the professionals to provide the required support.
Continuing to support whilst having to overlook some issues, for the sake of friendship, could contribute to your friend minimising issues.

You have done exactly the right thing. The social services need to intervene.
Its the perfect storm.
New boyfriend rapidly moving in. Already assaulting the mother.
Not to much of a reach to say the baby will be next, imho.
Then there will be another "lessons will be learnt" scenario

Very much this and once they start nursery/school it can have a devastating effect on developing friendships, invitations to play and parties.

I grew up in another time where safeguarding was not a thing and still feel sick with guilt at times about the one or 2 classmates who were never invited to anything by the rest of us because 'they smelled' etc (and in one case had clear signs of physical abuse)

This is before we get to the fact she's in a relationship where her child is being exposed to DV.

This.

Always the child safeguarding first. If the mother is unable to keep here child safe, free from neglect and harm then others need to step in.

Thank you for people like you, OP. Too often we hear awful stories of neglect in the media, where nobody reported it.
You have absolutely done the right thing 🌺

You have been the ‘voice’ for her child
you don’t know wether he would smack the child one if it didn’t do what he wanted
she needs help and the child needs properly caring for

My DC once fell into a door frame as I was running his bath and had a huge egg already growing before I picked him up. He was filthy from nursery and tea - yoghurt in his hair, spag bol in his ears, the whole works.

Got to a&e and the doctor told me it's the ones who are too clean, and the kids whose parents aren't normally embarrassed at the state of their kids that they worry about. Neglect is far more than dirty fingernails.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling crap but you did the right thing. To be blunt you need to keep on reporting. Social services close cases left right and centre that needs to stay open and need a child removed. If you've read the news at all you know that's true.

Again you did the right thing and keep reporting.

Agree with this

stop spending so much time with her if you have to, but keep being the squeaky wheel with SS or the child will become another 'lessons learned' statistic, poor little mite x.

@teudhly

There is a difference between a usually clean child being dirty from playing and a child being dirty from neglect. That dirt looks more ingrained IYSWIM, it looks different to "clean" dirt. Also, the OP knows the child and sees her often enough to see how she is turned out. The new boyfriend is the biggest danger for me.

Massive red flag the new boyfriend moving in and he's violent, it won't be long before poor baby is a target as babies crying annoy these men children who have a short fuse, you absolutely did the right thing, don't feel bad..

You're friend isn't a position to realise it right now, but actually you're very much looking after her best interests as well as her daughter. She must be in a terrible headspace if her boyfriend of 2 months is giving her a black eye and she's neglecting her kid. Hopefully, with your intervention, SS will get support for your friend and she can get on top of her mental health before she loses the chance of being to be a Mum.

Thank goodness that child has you looking out for him/her. You did the right thing.

You have most definitely done the right thing.

Thank you for looking out for that child.

I know it's made you feel awkward and no one wants to be put in that position but that child needs someone to help them and you've done what they needed someone to do for them to keep them safe.

I was in a similar situation with a family member. Over a number of years they kept making poor decisions or just letting things happen, rather than preventing them. I provided all the support I could, which made no difference. I made reports to children's services and they lied to keep themselves out of trouble.

I had to walk away to protect my mental health. I felt like I'd done everything I could. I miss their little one so much but am far less stressed having no awareness of what's is happening in their life.