I called social services on my friend. I don’t know how long I can keep in contact with her

[Peaceofmind12]

I made a post yesterday I’m making another one today as I need somewhere to let it out. Although I feel at ease now that I’ve called social services. I also feel really guilty. I called social services on my friend today she already has support from them but I did it in the intention of making sure she gets more help and cover and blind spots they might have.

more often than not her child is in wet dirty nappies, nails are long and black and dirty bed clothes and uncombed hair. I’ve tried to not be judgment as it’s hard as a mum and I know she has depression. I’ve tried to be a friend while hearing stories I disagree with. The final story that done it for me is her boyfriend of 2 months has moved into her house and recently physically beat her up to the point of giving her a black eye.

Although I want to be a friend and support her through this I’m finding it really hard on my conscious and morals. She’s so far in that the abuse is coming with an excuse (even though it’s still early days with this man) and when I pull her up about if she’s needs support with her child as I’ve notice things she will say “oh it’s because she drinks loads” (the baby) or “it’s because she won’t sit still to let me do her hair or nails” I know this is not true as when I’m with her from the time we meet till the end the baby will continue to be in the same wet nappy they arrive with. even after I mention it and as a mum myself I know regular baths stop dirty foot bottoms and extreme black nails. And if it was true why does the child always look unclean without fail whatever the day or time

I feel like a crap friend for getting to this point but I don’t know how long I can be friends with her while her and her child life and safest progressively get worse.

I have recently done this and they worked out it was me and no longer speak to me. I don’t feel any guilt because SS have now become further involved- I was the missing “piece” that joined things up because I was close and knew what went on day to day. This means that the child is now getting the right support. When I was asked why I reported them I said that I felt they needed more support than I or anyone else could give and this way they could get access to professionals. I don’t think of it as reporting them but that I supported the children in gaining a voice and improving the chance of a better childhood. I also realised if anything happened and I hadn’t done it I would feel 100 times worse than I did reporting.

You did the correct thing

This. It is very hard for you @Peaceofmind12 because no one would choose to be in your position. Thank You for reporting to SS. The thing is, I think that little girl is in danger now. Her mother was not her advocate to begin with (because she has not been looking after her) but now she has brought a violent man into the household the child is a target.

I'm sure you have enough to do in your own life, but please do keep in touch with her so that you can see whether or not the child's life is getting worse, and watch out for bruises, etc. I don't want to frighten you but my beloved Dad's grave is right next to a little girl who was moved away to another town by her mother. Her mother's boyfriend murdered her. She was two years old.

You can see the difference between a child that's been playing/eating and a child that's being neglected.

I assume with the nappy etc. that youd see it's full and change it to straight away even if they've only just put it on. The friend op described isn't doing that. Poor child is wearing wet nappies for goodness knows how long - I imagine is also to save money on nappies. It's cruel.

So your child never ever looks tidy, clean and cared for??

If you can - keep involved so you can see if things improve or get worse. But hopefully authorities will step in.

You’ve done the only possible thing OP

There’s always one deliberately obtuse person, congratulations, you’re today’s winner.

Any parent can tell the difference between a well cared for dc who has been playing in the garden and got dirty and a dc who regardless of the time of day or weather looks totally uncared for.

Agree plus it's better to act now, rather than things getting worse, especially if she is in an abusive relationship. You were very caring in your actions. You may have saved the child

I had kids in my class at primary we all shunned & called names etc. I also feel ashamed when I think back & I was far from being an instigator. One family the kids eventually got taken into care but there was another boy who I often wonder how he turned out. His mother was a violent alcoholic I discovered as a teenager.

Teachers didn’t seem to care. This was early 80s.

It’s great that you have alerted SS to the fact your friend needs urgent help and support.

However, you really should report the DV and abuse to the police as well. Your friend is at serious risk of her boyfriend escalating the violence.

It’s very hard to be friends with someone who is neglecting their child.

Being messy etc is nothing compared to driving round late at night with men and alcohol. That’s massive red flag waving stuff right there.

as others have said, a child being messy/grubby is not always a problem (always being messy/grubby etc is a problem though).

Driving around at night with a child and alcohol being involved is a serious issue and I’d be raising that above anything else you’ve said

In your position @Peaceofmind12 I'd maintain contact, if only to be an observer for the child's sake. I know that puts pressure on you, but it sounds as though the child very much needs a watchful eye.
Kudos to you for taking action and reporting your concerns. I hope things improve for the little one.

Why don’t you change the nappy when he pees in it after you’ve changed him into a clean one? How do you know he pees directly?

I read your post yesterday and it was so concerning on so many levels. It sounds like your friend is not looking after her child well enough before the new bloke arrived on the scene, but the fact that’s she’s been with this man for only 2 months and he’s already moved in, they are trying for a baby (seriously WTF!?) and has now beaten her up so badly is just absolutely horrendous.
You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing by going to social services. That is a really hard decision to make but you should feel hugely proud of yourself.

Too many people stand by and don’t want to make a fuss or get involved, and then the very worst happens. We read about it on the news or see it in the paper and are outraged at “how has this happened again”.

As far as I know anyone can do a Clare’s Law
request, so I would seriously consider doing this if you can. You may be able to then speak to your friend about any information it shows, or the police can advise her further. From your last post your friend has grown up in an abusive home with a mother who thinks this is “normal”. It doesn’t sound like she is capable of breaking the cycle. History is already repeating itself and she’s seriously considering bringing another baby into this absolute cesspit of a situation. The fact that you’ve spoken out to SS could mean YOU are the reason that cycle is eventually broken & that another child / children don’t suffer in the same way. You should be really proud of yourself.

You've done the right thing, but I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself changing the child’s nappy.

Is she really a friend or someone you are associated with, have been friendly with (thats different to actually being friends) ? Usually actual friends have things in common, mutual respect and tolerance of each other's failings but serious failings like this cannot be ignored or tolerated as the baby has no voice of its own. Now there's the added issue of a violent boyfriend and you have the burden of reporting it and carrying the guilt. You've done the right thing by reporting it. I would question whether she really is a true friend because true friends dont usually put you in situations like this. You dont have to confess as its likely to be met with angry defensive behaviour which will make you feel worse. You've done what you can. I'd report any new concerns and keep your distance.

Reading your other thread on this, I see that the bf is on a work visa. Surely if he gets reported he will be deported?
Anyway, looks like your the only one advocating for this child. If you walk away, as hard as the whole situation is, then there's no one for them. Social Services are sometimes reliant in firsthand info from others as families can be quite clever/devious at covering up.
You've taken both a brave and kind step in reporting the situation and may save a child life. Hope everything goes well.

You’ve 100% done the right thing here. This child sounds neglected and is witnessing domestic abuse.
you sound like a great and supportive friend where many would’ve walked away a long time ago

You did the right thing! Child protection is everyone's business: the child is clearly being somewhat neglected and if the new boyfriend has already given mum 'a black eye' he will be a massive danger to that child.

I always ask myself what I could live with: I could live with my friend being pissed with me for reporting them.

I couldn't live with it if the child had a bad outcome and I'd not done anything about it.

You did the right thing.

Well done for doing something.
My DH was neglected as a child and he often says someone must have noticed everything wasn’t ok when he was arriving in school hungry with too small clothes and shoes but not one person ever did anything

I am so relieved to be reading this following yesterdays post. Well done OP, you seriously did the right thing. Fighting for a child whom has no-one else willing to fight for them is the right thing to do always, but also very courageous and noble given the circumstances. I have had to do this before and I know it is not easy.

It is up to you if you want to cut your friend off or not. You could maybe try having some breathing room from her instead. If this were me I would be there for her but keep her at arms length, purely to ensure you are there in case of an emergency (mostly for the child's needs). No active involvement but light contact just to check in. I hope it all gets sorted, I really do.

Same here. Neglected severely as a child, and school noticed when I was in year 4. All they did was give me one 'pamper' session where they brushed my hair and put it into a ponytail and cut my nails. No investigation into why I was in this state, no further enquiries. I so desperately wanted someone to notice. So relieving to see that OP has done something about this, big respect to her.