To not let my children go away without us for three days?

[happypaints]

My mil wants to take my sons for three nights so they can take them somewhere.
Over dinner I was asked to ‘send some dates that they are free for X trip, they’ll need three nights’.
All said in front of my children and without prior discussion with us.
I haven’t sent dates yet, I actually don’t want to at all! My youngest isn’t nearly old enough for this sort of trip, we haven’t done this sort of trip with them yet so I don’t want to miss out on their first, and I think three nights is too long.
AIBU to not allow this?

I’m with @Tryingtobegreenfingered - I think if you take a minute I hope you’ll want to let them go.

An 8 year old really should be a kid to stay happily with grandparents! My DDs both went on a school residential in y2. They were 6 at the time and it wax for 4 nights. Some dc didn’t go, but the majority did. It’s important dc have a go at being away by 8 if they have an invitation. What does 8 year old think?

4 is more questionable. A theme park might not suit at 4 either. So the 8 year old should definitely go and the 4 year old have another treat to compensate. Then it’s his turn in 4 years. I’d have been delighted by this offer if it was my dc. Many grandparents I know offer trips and a few overnights to their grandchildren. I’d expect an 8 year old to be able to be away from mummy too!

They stayed with them for 2 nights with no issue. I don’t see the problem, it’s a theme park. Why do you also need to go? What’s wrong with them having a grand parent treat?

unless the children are a bit sensitive it’s a theme park it’s likely to be exciting rather than unsettling especially if they’re together and with a their GPs who is obviously familiar to them. Go if you want to especially if you want o make a point about strong arming you.

but there are lots of theme parks they can be taken to over the years so it’s not the only memory they’ll have.

No, I don’t think taking a 4 year old for 3 days is ideal. Is the theme park small dc suitable? I’d insist on going together and I’d be having words with Dh to encourage him to grow a spine rather than avoiding confrontation with his parents rather than being a united front.

It doesn't really matter if other posters would be fine with it, it sounds like this was sprung on you unilaterally by MIL and that it's an experience you'd want to share with the kids. Plus four is still really little!

Your MIL is trying to steamroll you into giving permission for something you don't want permission for. They're your children and you have the right to say no. As you say, they've gone on shorter trips before - why can't MIL gracefully accept this option?

You are not being unreasonable to object to the strong arm approach of announcing it in front of the kids. Or to having concerns about the jump in number of days at the same time as unknowns for the 4 year old.
Wanting to do this kind of trip first as a family is understandable so all six going is an obvious option.
This might be a good opportunity to set expectations with ILs. Talk to DH, agree a policy and one of you message MIL along the lines of -
thank you for offering to take x and y away, it is very generous but this is a trip we want to be with them for and had planned to wait till they were both older/taller so could both go on more rides. We could do it this year but it would need to be all six of us. Extra adults will be great as the boys can then go to different things and get more attention. Please run things like this past DH and I first, we don’t let the boys bounce us into agreeing things and won’t let you either.

I would ignore the request and if there was any further request I would say 'obviously that would never happen unless it had been discussed between the adults and the parents are in agreement'. It's insane to think you can simply help yourself to someone else's children.

I am with you on this as I would see going to a theme park and nights away as a holiday and I would want to have this experience with my children.

I think saying it in front of the kids was wrong and done intentionally as they know you are reluctant to this. I would also see this sort of thing with my in laws wanting to do something big to make them look more important (bragging to their friends how wonderful it was they got to do this, how we the parents wouldn't be able to do this trip and how lucky the children are to have grandparents to do this 🙄).
Mine once wanted to take my kids swimming at a caravan site they were staying at without us but I refused as firstly they wanted to collect the kids via public transport so it would have taken a good hour to an hour and a half to get there, plus then walk from town to the camp site (if we took them directly it would have been around 30mins, the bus goes a very indirect route!). Then they would have ignored my son's choice over swimming as he tends to get cold/not want to stay in too long with comments like 'oh stay for grandma, grandma likes to see you do xyz'.
DH was actually available to drop the kids and see his parents when they wanted to do this but as soon as he said this then suddenly they didn't want to and made a fuss about it which raised more concerns with me (what did they want to do with the children that they couldn't do with their own son/kids dad being there too).
As you might guess I don't have a good relationship with the in laws and don't trust mine, so maybe this is similar to you.

No to the youngest, fine to the oldest.

Isn't 8 a little old for that?! Only asking as my 8 year DGC was looking at some advert for it and said it was for babies

Although the not being allowed to take dgc away seems a bit strange to me I was fortunate that Ex mil took mine to Spain for a week when they were 8 and 5 ( not so much difference to the OPs kids) They had a whale of a time and I had a lovely break

I'm also taking 8 year old DGC on a foreign city break. ( His choice of destination) Gives him a chance to go without having younger siblings tagging along being a PITA.

However I did things with the kids and my DD has done things with hers. I don't get " wanting to be with them " for first experiences if ones already 8 if you haven't bothered or couldn't afford to do it by then. Could be waiting a lifetime to do anything if waiting for slow parents

No, ideal age. But tbh it depends how much you like Disney.

This is a great way to get the children used to being away from home gradually. It won’t be long before they are going away with school or with friends and to build up to that is a good thing so they become confident about it. Sounds more like you are thinking of your own feelings rather than theirs. My children have had many trips with grandparents including abroad. They have a great relationship with them and I can only say it is enriching their childhood

People are so precious nowadays.
My Mum often had my ds overnight for a few nights holiday somewhere.

She then does of cancer when the grandchildren were still young (so was she) and I’m glad I wasn’t precious about it.

In general it amazes me reading MN about how much handwringing goes on about allowing children contact with grandparents - alone - for fun.

The 4yo won’t remember who they went away with for few days with first. They will always treasure the few days away with nanny.

That first paragraph is selfish, it’s not about you, OP has had 8 yrs to go!
Never understand this desperation to keep kids tied to you 24/7 and not trusting family with them.

My kids went to Disney Paris with my mum and sister at 8, 5, 3

did not even cross my mind to veto it, but you must have your reasons

I would bite their hand off 😂

Obviously it's your call, so you wouldn't be unreasonable to say no, but it sounds a very kind and generous offer to me.

Do the kids want to go?

Absolutely not!
Paultons Park has a section called Peppa Pig World which is aimed at younger kids, but many rides in the rest of the park are aimed at older kids.
Rides | Paultons Park
Yes it isn't a Thorpe Park/Alton Towers but is v good.
(And some of the PPW rides are gentle fun as an adult too. I liked the Windy Castle Ride which seemed to move in 4 dimensions.)

I really wish I had your problems. Must be awful having grandparents up for taking your children away and giving them new experiences and you a break.

Definitely not! Something for all ages, including thrill rides for teens/adults.

Edit: sorry I thought you were talking about Disney 🤦‍♀️

But Paulton's Park is ideal for an 8-year-old. Avoid Peppa Pig World, which is the busiest part, and enjoy the rest of the park which is both more suitable and quieter, so the queues aren't as long.

For me would totally depend on how much time they spend with them now, whether kids would be comfortable, whether I thought it would “work”, whether I thought PIL had a realistic idea of what that sort of trip involves with kids of that age. Whether I had confidence in them to keep them safe, think about things like sun cream, deal with melt downs etc. if they’re a big part of their lives, have a close relationship and know them very well, can be “in loco parentis” then yes, otherwise - build up to it

Rally with Peppa pig world etc at 8??? More preschooler id say

I wouldn't like the way MIL sprung it on you (assume the kids did hear and are keen to go, or did they not really notice?) but her intentions otherwise seem good. I am admittedly biased on this because my dc's grandparents never once offered to have him on his own, even on a day trip rather than an overnight too. He wasn't a particularly difficult child to manage but I suppose nobody else in our family thought that. He did have some sleepovers and days out with friends, which I'm really grateful about.

Four year olds can do less in a theme park than eight year olds, but I guess that they have accounted for that and will give your dc a lovely time? This trip is only one day/night longer than previous, so your children have experience at staying away from home (and DS1 might have been on school residential? Mine went on these and he had a great time) and they will likely manage just fine.

You could come to a compromise with your in-laws over the length of the trip or other details, if you're uncomfortable with any of the arrangements?

If this is a 'once in a lifetime' trip to eg. Disney then YANBU to want to share that with them. Part of the joy is making memories as a family.

I would redirect with "We don't have three days as we're pretty booked with clubs/activities but they've always wanted to go to... (suggest place of your choosing nearer to home that they can visit in one day).

I think you’re completely overreacting.

A theme park isn’t a milestone trip, and quite honestly you really should have taken them before now. We’ve been taking our girls to theme parks since they were 2 and they’ve always got loads out of them.

I don’t think 4 is too young for a theme park (I took my 3 and 5 year old to Disney). Neither is it too young to spend three nights away from you with trusted family members, especially as they have already had two nights away.

The issue seems more about the OP not wanting to miss out on the experience. I understand that of course but, assuming that the children would want to go and would be safe and happy with their grandparents, I think it’s a shame to deny them the opportunity.

A trip for all 6 of you would be great, but a lot more expensive!