To not let my children go away without us for three days?

[happypaints]

My mil wants to take my sons for three nights so they can take them somewhere.
Over dinner I was asked to ‘send some dates that they are free for X trip, they’ll need three nights’.
All said in front of my children and without prior discussion with us.
I haven’t sent dates yet, I actually don’t want to at all! My youngest isn’t nearly old enough for this sort of trip, we haven’t done this sort of trip with them yet so I don’t want to miss out on their first, and I think three nights is too long.
AIBU to not allow this?

Completely agree with you, OP.

ps why would it be six of you, as opposed to 4?

I think this is the way forward.

The strong arm approach is the part that would make me immediately want to say no. I assume that that in itself speaks volumes about how they are in general?

Mil, fil, children, me and husband

It speaks huge volumes about how they try to be in general. Mil’s friends have taken their grandchildren etc so therefore…

If I trusted the adult caregiver/s I 100% would let my kids go on this trip. I think your assumption about them missing you is overprotective and projecting, and much more about you than them. If kids are lucky enough to have loving extended family then this sort of experience is a brilliant way for them to safely learn that time away from mum and dad is different, maybe a bit strange at first...but ultimately an enriching experience. Plus I hate theme parks so the offer for someone else to take my child would be bliss IMO.

You and your DH are the parents, so it's your decision. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Your MIL was absolutely in the wrong to say this in front of the kids without having discussed it with you or DH first. That is really not a reasonable way to approach this sort of thing.

I’d be so grateful they’re offering and of the break, other than you ‘not wanting to miss out’ which I find quite odd, do you not take your kids away for trips / weekends? is there really any other reason you’re not happy about it, as the being strong armed part is your perception as opposed to knowing that was her intention. You’ve got no safety concerns and they’ve stayed with her before, let your kids live a little!

OP already stated the kids haven't been before. Some people do actually like their kids and want to experience things with them.

I think you reluctance comes from an entirely selfish place. Having a close relationship with extended family is so important in my opinion.

My kids grew up abroad and would spend at least one or two weeks a year by themselves with my parents from when they were 3 and 5. Sometimes they just stayed at their home, sometimes they would take them away. Now they are young adults and they have independent relationships with their grandparents. They go and stay with them on their own, they call them etc. It’s lovely that they have that closeness and that their close family consists of more than just their parents. They have so many fun memories from the trips they did without us parents.

I would feel exactly the same. It’s not unreasonable.

It sounds fine to me, they’ve built this up slowly, they’ve already had them for two nights, so theee is the next step.

It’s a theme park aimed at young children. Do the children want to go? Are they excited?

I think the in-laws sound like good involved GPs wanting to do something nice with their DGC.

The strong arm approach is what would make me want to shut it down too. Out of order to not discuss first.. think the 4 year old in particular is very young to be away on a trip from you too. However just thinking about it, Ours would have been taken away for a few days by my parents when they were that age when I was working full time

If the Pil were nice, responsible people who the kids loved being with it it could be great for everyone.

Can you discuss this all with Pil? Ask them why they didn't discuss with you first

It's a slightly longer trip which it doesn't seem there is good reason to think will be a problem and more excitement/change which they could easily be over stimulated by whoever they go with and won't harm them. You make it sound like you're looking for excuses because you don't like the way your PiL offered and don't want your kids to do something you haven't done with them. Which is a pretty unreasonable way to decide what opportunities your kids get.

Personally, I think it would be unfair to your children to prevent them experiencing things based on you not being there. I don’t think a 4 year old is too young for a child centric theme park either by any stretch of the imagination. However, your kids your choices.

If you wanted to be with them, why haven't you already taken the 8 year old? The children don't have to go as a package, they could just take the eldest. We find that works better, both children then get to do age appropriate activities.

Some people make choices based on their children’s best interests, not by projecting their own personal issues into everything. One of them is 8, she’s has plenty of opportunity to take them herself and chose not to, not the grandparents fault

I wouldn’t want to miss out either, plus Disney for two / three days with children that age is bloody hard work as well as amazing and I think the pils could use the help!
Tell them it’s a wonderful idea and plan to go together, I’ve done a multi-generational trip there and it was brilliant.
The pils are being selfish wanting to experience it alone, they’ve had their turn.

Your MIL doesn't get to decide. She is not their parent and is not acting in their best interests. Her views are irrelevant.

I'd go back to her and say the dcs aren't old enough for such a trip yet, but you are happy to arrange a shared day out. Suggest a date. Then don't budge.

I’d let them take the older child. The 4 year old is a bit young

Why dont you and your dh go for 1 night and let kids go for the 3. Your be close by if they want you but able to have some alone time without um in your bed. I do think though if you go you should pay for all of your own expenses.

You won't get consensus on here. The variables are your approach, the DCs' feelings/behaviour/needs and the DILs' responsibility level.

But you are within your rights to say, without detailed justification, 'thank you for the kind offer but we would want to do that type of trip as a joint holiday'. Or you can just say 'thank you for the kind offer but we're not comfortable with that trip at this time'.

You just have to own it and express it politely.

The ILs should absolutely not discuss as a foregone conclusion in front of the DCs.

I think she’s got your back up with the way she’s approached it.

I would take a deep breath and a step back. Do you trust them? Will the kids have fun? What is their relationship like with the children?

My children are grown up now but they spent little time with my in-laws sadly. I think the grandparent relationship is special and it’s so nice that they want to do this with them.

I would let them go and if your MIL is normally OK then I would try and overlook the way she approached it.

@happypaints I can't see the issue. Your DC will have a fab time and you will get a break to have a night out with your DH, take yourself shopping and do something else nice. And the IL's are paying.

My children's paternal grandad dropped dead when they were 9 and 12. Let them all have a nice time and some good memories and be very grateful the grandparents want to spoil them and have fun.

I would have a absolutely no issue with this whatsoever.

Both my kids already love theme parks. The are 5 and 2. And they love staying with my in-laws.

And I would be grateful for the break.