To not let my children go away without us for three days?

[happypaints]

My mil wants to take my sons for three nights so they can take them somewhere.
Over dinner I was asked to ‘send some dates that they are free for X trip, they’ll need three nights’.
All said in front of my children and without prior discussion with us.
I haven’t sent dates yet, I actually don’t want to at all! My youngest isn’t nearly old enough for this sort of trip, we haven’t done this sort of trip with them yet so I don’t want to miss out on their first, and I think three nights is too long.
AIBU to not allow this?

Yep. I’d get ahead of it and message, preferably on group chat - ‘hi mil about that trip you mentioned, I think <dc2> is too young for 3 nights away, but if there’s somewhere you’d like to go with them perhaps we could try and book for all six of us and dh and I come too? Let us know :) x

I think they are trying to do a nice thing and it sounds as if they know the dc well and have had them overnight already.
The issue is they didn’t ask you first which would upset me.
However I don’t think 8 and 4 is particularly young and I think it’s a bit selfish to prevent the dc going because you wanted to be the first to take them. Why haven’t you?

Grandparents want to take their grandchildren on a lovely short trip in the Uk, what on earth is the issue? Your elder one is 8 and should definitely be allowed and be ok to go. The 4 year old may be young but as they have both had overnights with their dgp before then I really do not see the issue. My parents used to meet me half way and take ds for a few days from the age of 2 and he always absolutely loved it. Unless a huge back story let them go and all have fun.

I don’t know why you wouldn’t want the break to be frank, I think it’s lovely she’s an active grandparent who wants to take her GC on a nice trip away personally. The youngest isn’t a baby.

Assuming this is Disney (which of course it may well not be), why not divert them to 2 nights at Paulton's Park near Southampton instead which is a lovely park and aimed at the right age?

I'd let the oldest go. My eldest DSis went abroad with an aunt and uncle at age 7 and had a fab time. This was early 70's when going abroad was just a dream for many families-brave of my parents who had never left UK.
With the sole attention of loving GPs, I really think you are projecting re them missing home.
Wanting to be there for "firsts" is also about you, not them.

I agree that it was manipulative of your in-laws to instruct you to send some dates for a trip to a theme park for them to take your children without you, in the presence of your children.

They should have raised this with you and your DH when the children weren't there and they should have asked if they could take them on this trip, not announced that they would be doing this.

Does your MIL have a history of over-stepping? What does your DH think?

I agree with you OP.

What MIL's friends do with their grandchildren is entirely irrelevant.

You and DH are your children's parents, so it's your call.

Either you and DH go on the trip as well, or it's not happening.

Stand firm and trust your gut.

I think that 4 is too young to properly appreciate a theme park

There are lots of theme parks with areas aimed at pre-schoolers, and some where their principal market is pre-schoolers and early primary (Peppa Pig world springs to mind)

I loved it when my family took my kids away as it meant they got experience things I couldn't afford to provide plus it meant a nice little break.

Agreed. Plus the 2:1 ratio would feel safer to me. 4 year olds are terribly prone to wandering off, and if you’re not used to it, it only takes a second and they’re gone.
I would feel uncomfortable about this trip too OP. If the trip was abroad I definitely wouldn’t say yes to either of them going.

I would frame it as you're not ready for the DC to be away from you for 3 nights yet, and you and DH want to be with them when they experience the excitement of a theme park for the first time. Offer a compromise of all of you going. As an aside, I would tell them that any ideas like this going forward are not to be presented as a fait acompli in front of the children, but must be discussed with the adults first.

8 & 4, I’m surprised they’ve not had a trip away already. Let them go, gives you a break and lets them have a nice time with their grandparents.
Never understand this on MN, kids never being away from the parents and this ‘first’ nonsense.

It is entirely up to you @happypaints . They are your kids.
When I was little, my grandparents (mother’s parents) used to take us on holiday regularly, and we’d go and stay with them at their place in school holidays because we lived 2hours away from them and couldn’t really see them otherwise. These are all very happy memories for my brother and myself.
My own parents are very close by, helped with childcare and had kids to stay over regularly. But when my parents asked to take my kids away on holiday, I wasn’t willing to let them do it. PP may think this was selfish of me, and perhaps it was. Perhaps I had an excessive level of attachment to my own children? My mum was disappointed, but she accepted my decision. We’ve been away with the grandparents all together, several times and had wonderful holidays. Perhaps my kids missed out in not going away with the grandparents alone? All I know is, at the time, I was not comfortable with it.
MIL should not have brought it up without discussing with you first.

They were absolutely wrong to not approach you first about this. What sort of theme park is it? I mean if it's somewhere like Crealy or Paulton's Park they are well geared up to this age group but like you, I think I'd want to go along too.

If it's something yiu and dh would also like to do just reply "Thanks mil, dh and I have decided this sounds fun and we'd like to come too, these are our dates". If it's Alton Towers then just say "Lovely idea mil but O think they are a bit young for that at the moment".

Sounds like you are saying no for entirely selfish reasons....imagine the excitement of being somewhere fun and new will override everything else, projected fears from your side.

I agree with you OP. This is quite a big deal. My youngest is 6 and I wouldn’t feel comfortable about this.

I have had similar situations and I have just said “oh sounds nice, I’d like to come too”. And then nothing more has been mentioned about it.

good luck!

Rude. Some people love their children and are willing to let them experience things outside of their personal sphere. Are they going to be hopping along on the school residential too?

As far as I see it, I wouldnt appreciate being strong armed but if there are no safety concerns, the children want to go and they’ve spent a similar time with GPs before it would be selfish to refuse.

Will it be in the same country?

Considering they spend 2 nights in a row at their home with no issues, then I really don’t see the problem.

I don’t think they’re too young at all and you say yourself that they’d really enjoy it.

I really don’t understand your concerns, unless it’s another country in which case I would be telling them that you or DH will be attending too.

Why dont you suggest you all go? What did your partner say. OR you could say no but maybe when they are a bit older and they can go on all the rides being angry and passive isn't really helping you is it.

Is it a long drive away, then? Would two nights suffice? Three days at a theme park is probably my idea of hell.

OP, I really don’t see why you can’t go as well. I wouldn’t have dreamt of letting my MIL take my DC on her own when they were that age - they happily went and stayed when they were older, though. Stand your ground, OP: they’re your DC and you know them (and the situation) better than anyone.

For me it depends on a few things. Can the in laws usually be trusted to care for the children in a way you’re happy with? And, where exactly the trip is.

I don’t think I would agree to Disneyland for the 4 year old. I think that 4 is too young to enjoy it properly anyway and chances are they would just become overwhelmed and upset and just want you and DH. Which would be hard for everyone. I also wouldn’t be happy with a 4 year old going to another country without their parents. The 8 year old I would be happy enough to let go.

legoland in the U.K. fine. I would be happy for them to go there with them for a few nights, provided of course I felt I could trust them to care for them. Legoland is also better set up to help little ones cope with a day like that (or was when I took mine years ago), with places to play in the queues etc. where as most of the little kids I saw at Disney just looked tired and overwhelmed with everything. Most of them were crying and the parents looked stressed. I’ve always said don’t bother taking under 7s to Disney. You’ll all have a much better time when the kids are a bit older!

How long is travel to the theme park? If it’s in the uk I’d have no problem with this given they’ve already had them for 2 nights. If you’re really worried about the younger one just let them take the older one who will absolutely love it and form brilliant bonds with his grandparents.

You mention you’re worried about the youngest sleeping and using different toilets? Have they never slept away from home with you?

Maybe say you’d rather wait until the youngest is at school before they have an away from home/holiday trip.

They should have asked you and DH first, strong arming you isn’t fair and is reason enough to say no.

And posters on here are obsessed with assuming other people want a break. I wouldn’t want 3 days away from my kids, it’s fine if you don’t want one from yours.