To not let my children go away without us for three days?

[happypaints]

My mil wants to take my sons for three nights so they can take them somewhere.
Over dinner I was asked to ‘send some dates that they are free for X trip, they’ll need three nights’.
All said in front of my children and without prior discussion with us.
I haven’t sent dates yet, I actually don’t want to at all! My youngest isn’t nearly old enough for this sort of trip, we haven’t done this sort of trip with them yet so I don’t want to miss out on their first, and I think three nights is too long.
AIBU to not allow this?

@happypaints glad you u-turned and put your own grievances about the ILs to one-side. You’re very lucky they give a cr*p, many don’t!

You kids will love the trip. Mine were going to theme-parks from 12 months old.

I don’t see the issue here. You shouldn’t stop your children experiencing things unless you’re there. I think weekends away with grandparents are wonderful, and I have fond memories from my childhood.

OP is projecting how her children may feel as completely negative.

Very nice to see that the OP has backed down. Well done!

Use the time they are away to do something for you to regain your identity as YOU and not 'mum'.

@Newyearawaits it’s not that kids can’t go to Disney, it’s that they will go with their parents instead.

All the posters saying they should be grateful that the GPs show an interest in grandchildren, surely there is a middle ground between GPs who show no interest and GPs who ride roughshod over the actual parents wants and needs. If GPs want to take the grandchildren away surely the polite and respectful thing to do is check with the parents first. It isn’t difficult. And if parents feel their DC aren’t ready or would like to do the trip themselves then the GPs wait or offer a more acceptable alternative

Not really the point but I'd give an arm to have people that were willing to give me any sort of break from my children, I'd bite someone's hand off for 3 nights enthusiastically being offered!

The kids will love it. You’ll get a time with your DH to just be a couple for a couple of days. Can’t see the issue.

I find this really sad. You are determined to find every reason for them not to go, being adamant already that they won’t cope etc.

Your feelings of the ILs are clear here and it reads like a case of sour grapes. You also sound jealous that they’re offering this experience.

It’s interesting you say that your DH doesn’t like conflict especially when it comes to his parents. This reads to me like he doesn’t agree with the conflict you perceive with his parents.

Our DC went to Butlins for 4 nights with my ILs at a a similar age and had the BEST TIME EVER. Occasional moments of missing mummy and daddy at bedtime, but generally outweighed by a holiday they still talk about now.

That sounds amazing. I would totally
let them go.

Everyone's different aren't they? I'd let my mum an my husband's mum take my kids (provided they wanted to go) pretty much anywhere. But my husband's dad? No thanks - ESPECIALLY if he asked me like this. Just different relationships as different vibes.

People acting like the kids will miss out on irrecoverable 'life experience' and be forever disadvantaged might want to tone it down a bit. It would not be the end of the world.

@TooHotMyIcecreamHasMelted or is it that she is railroaded into things by controlling in-laws and DH keeps quiet. Decent in-laws would have mentioned it first as a request/suggestion to parents with no little ears present. Then if parents happy mention it to DC over tea time

Sorry OP - just saw you have agreed for them to go, I think that is the right thing

Haven't read the thread. But in my family this is something we've gradually built up to - sleepovers at grandparents' house, then one night away, then two. I think the most they've done is 3 nights away, with my mum recently asking if they could take my kids abroad but I declined this as i don't feel comfortable. (My kids are 7 and 8)

I just think it's unnecessarily combative to look at it that way in this case.

The in laws here have had the children for multiple nights already. They have likely done some excursions as part of that.

In that context, it's not really riding roughshod to assume they could do that again.

How were they supposed to know that the OP feels strongly about theme parks specifically?

Sometimes it's more sensible to assume the best of someone

I know! A lady at work is in her late 30s and recently took 2 of her dgc to Disney. My cousin is a ggm and she's in her 50s.

@iniati why couldn’t they just ask the parents first. As I have posted I would expect DH to mention such a trip he was thinking about to me (and vice versa) before saying anything to DC so I would certainly expect the same consideration from other relatives. What if as parents you had already planned a surprise trip to the place and then GPs suddenly announce they are taking DC there.

Asking parents beforehand is just respectful

I remember my MIL coming to our house before we had DC to stay for a few days and telling us what we were going to do to entertain them and at what time, and when we needed to get up in the morning. No prior discussion. I found that so rude and I would find it rude for a similar announcement in respect of our DC too

@sittingonabeach if that's the way you feel, you can of course say "I'd prefer it if you ran it past us first" - but there's no need to act like your in laws have done something catastrophically awful and "disrespected" you - rather than thought "hey, this would be a fun thing to do"

And your ILs telling you to do things they like is not at all equivalent to ILs suggesting a fun activity to their grandchildren, those are totally different things!

It's really no wonder Mumsnet is littered with people with poor relationships with their in laws if they take huge offence at something like this

I would love this for my kids! Unfortunately we don't have any family that would do this.

But I can see it's problematic for them to ask you in front of the kids.

@iniati maybe OP has asked them to do that before and they have ignored her.

Do you have concerns about the grandparents being safe with the children? If not, I don't understand what the problem is.

I take my grandson away multiple times a year. The longest trip so far has been 9 nights, and we disappear off on random road trips around Scotland and all sorts. His parents trust me and know I am responsible and competent and that their son is getting some amazing experiences. He is only 8 and we have been doing this for years. He loves his adventures with his grandma and will ask if he is going on holiday with me every school holiday. He will also make requests for specific locations to go traveling too.

I think it's lovely that grandparents want to do this. Enjoy the break and quality kid free time with your husband!

She is happy enough for them to look after the kids when she wants them to so they're unlikely to be total monsters

@iniati I’m not saying they are monsters and I assume OP asks them beforehand rather than just dumping the grandchildren on them. So I would just assume some respect from GP to ask beforehand before announcing it to DC

What I am trying to say is - how about rather than leaping to "they are disrespectful!! I must put them in their place", you might think "how nice they are excited to take my kids away, how thoughtful of them to think of it, I wish they had spoken to me first , I will tell them that but assume it wasn't to annoy me that they suggested doing something nice with my children"

So your in-laws, who you trust, want to take your kids away for three nights and you're making excuses why they can't go? It's OK for them to have them for two nights but three is too much?

I think you might live to regret this one. Imagine having really caring grandparents who want to treat the children they love eh?

I do think this should have been discussed with you first though.

Well done, OP. I can understand why you were annoyed about how they brought up the topic, but I'm glad you were able to put that to one side. Assuming you trust your in-laws with the kids, and you have given no indication that you don't - especially as they have had overnights with them, there is no reason why this would be a bad idea. What a great experience for the kids and grandparents alike!

Sounds like it's more you dont what them to go as opposed to them not being ready.