AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

[UnflatteringComment]

Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Hurtful comment, they didn't expect you to hear. You say she was embarrassed, but it's entirely possible to interpret your comment as being somehow about her. Especially when you have an eating disorder, everything becomes very self-focused. You are both embarrassed and hurt. I think you need to talk to each other.

These teenagers made very cruel, unprovoked comments about OP in her own house, and then apparently lied to their dad about what had happened. The SD wasn’t ’too upset’ to bitch about OP’s body with her sister, funnily enough. She just didn’t like being called out on it and was afraid of the consequences. OP - I think this will permanently change your relationship with the girls, I’m afraid. I’d suggest that in future, quite the reverse of banning them from seeing their dad, you should make a rule together that they can only visit when their father is there to see them, and they must check he’s at home first. No more them hanging around when it’s only you at home.

On the other side, Mental Illness or not, you expect people not to be rude.
And the comment about the OP WERE rude, whether they were heard by the OP or not.
They WERE unkind too, towards someone who is part if their family.

So yes, being caught saying those things was probably harder to deal with for a teen with a mental illness.
It doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be told off for it.

They sound awful OP, completely mannerless to go into someone’s home and then start bitching about the person in their own home. Behaviour like that needs nipped in the bud not ignored. Maybe you acted immaturely but they need to learn sharp that you don’t make comments about another woman’s body and especially not in their own home.

I don’t think what the op did was that bad, if I heard someone laughing and making horrible remarks about my body I would do the same, even if it was my own child, they knew exactly what op was referring to. If you can make comments like that at 16 you should be able to take it back, I don’t agree that you can ask them not to come to house though

But that's giving them all the control. If they won't talk about it then I think he needs to message them setting out what you've told him. Especially the fact that you overheard them ridiculing you.

This happened 24 hours ago, it shouldn't go on indefinitely.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Its their fsthers hone, so yes they should be able to make unannounced visits if he's OK with it

I’m not invested (except time I already have on my hands) and I don’t have an agenda.

However, I have heard this script before and I still say OP, as the supposed adult, should have dealt with it in a direct and timely manner.

Her initial ‘my house’ was the start of the telling comments, continued with saying it was a knee jerk reaction when it wasn't.

Blended families can allow for completely out of proportion consequences to poor behaviour.

all teens can be assholes at times and use really poor judgment, and there should be conversations and consequences.

the one thing that would never be up for debate for my dc is their place in the family and home, it’s absolutely disgusting that it happens so often to step children, they parents shouldn’t allow anyone to make their place in the family conditional.

I agree with others that it would have been better if you had addressed it assertively with them, but you were shocked and hurt and reacted in the moment which is understandable. I think both you and your husband are dealing with it really well. As for the ‘vulnerable’ SD, having an eating disorder doesn’t give a young adult a free pass to be nasty about her step mother’s body.

Let them visit announced or unannounced, you stay doing your thing and let Dad entertain them cooking etc. I would let Dad know the full extent of your hurt and I think you were right to say what you did. They mentioned the loose skin etc first not you. Actions have consequences and making a bitchy comment will always risk a comeback from the other person. 16 and 18 are not kids, old enough to work etc and know better. Hold your ground and tell Dad to get lost if he so wishes with his precious daughters.

Isn't it their home too?

forgive them for they know not what they do

Yes, of course it was rude. Has anyone denied that? And has anyone said there should be no consequence? What a way to miss the point.

What some of us are saying is that her father should talk to her first before he does anything because it's totally wrong and unfair not to, and that a mentally unwell teenager being rude is not a justification for adults hurling disgusting names at her when they're grown ups and should know better more than she would. Seems body issues really sting for some people because I can't imagine them giving even a mentally balanced teenager this much credence or power for many issues, much less a mentally unwell one.

They were rude and their dad should talk to them about it. It would be a massive overreaction to stop them coming to their dad's house because of it though.

They have just as much right to be there as your daughter and I imagine you wouldn't limit how much time she could spend in the home if you overheard her being rude about your partner?

I agree, having an ED does not give you carte Blanche right to be horrible about people, their bodies etc. people with an ED can be douches too. She’s old enough to know better.

You don’t need to ban them just pull back & hopefully they do too

@UnflatteringComment I'm sure, deep down, your DSD understands and appreciates this, but that doesn't mean your weightloss hasn't been hard for her. It's hard for me when people around me lose weight, and I'm an adult.

It's been a long time since I was 16, but I have a vague recollection of wholly believing everyone was against me, no one understood me, no one liked me, and that woman at Tesco who sighed when I walked past definitely hated me for no reason, and it wasn't fair. I'm pretty sure that wasn't my illness; it was just part and parcel of being 16.

As an adult, I am happy for my friends when they lose weight, if it's making them happy and healthier, I truly want them to succeed, but there is still that small, ED part of me that finds it hard.

They're doing the two things I love more than anything else in the world that I am not allowed to do - controlling what they eat and losing weight. It does make me envious. Logically, I know that restricting what I eat is unhealthy for me in a way that it is not for other people, but that doesn't mean I don't miss it or wish I could manage to do it the way other people do.

And there is still that small voice that tells me they're doing it better than I do, and everyone can see it, and that is a reflection on me. It means I am not good enough, or valuable enough, and that I don't deserve to be happy or healthy. Again, logically, I know none of this is true, but it's not always easy to believe.

I don't think I've ever said anything disparaging out loud about other people's bodies, but I have thought things to myself. It's not because I believe it, or because I am judging them, it's my way of making myself feel better about myself, if that makes sense? I might not be as good at losing weight as they are or as valuable as they are as a person, but at least my arse looks better than theirs.

I don't know why DSD said what she did. I don't know if it was her illness or just because she is a teenager and teenagers are mean. I don't think she went running to her dad to say that you commented on her weight to get you in trouble or to save face; I honestly think she said that because she believes it to be true.

You had every right to be upset at what they said, and to tell them that, and they had no right to comment on your body, but that doesn't change the fact that your reaction was out of proportion to the whole context and potentially very damaging to your DSD's health and her relationship with you.

I don't know your DSD, and everyone deals with recovery in their own way. I hate people bringing up my illness when I'm struggling, but I know others who like to talk about it and feel it helps them.

A good starting point, if you want to try to fix things, would be to send her a text to apologise (explain that she hurt your feelings if you want to), tell her you didn't mean it, you were hurt and angry because of what you heard, and that you love her. After that, the ball's in her court. She might respond, she might not, but it will help her.

What? She used the same words they used between themselves!
If you were triggered by these words, then don’t use them on other people.
I don’t think OP needs to let herself be insulted in her own home and the sarcastic comment was entirely deserved.

'If you were triggered by these words, then don’t use them on other people.'
Works both ways - two wrongs....

'insulted in her own home'
It's their home too.

You know what? I have read some pretty low blow posts. But calling them ‘precious daughters’ is really cutting for me as a mum, who had to save my dd’s life. She was so ill she didn’t think she needed to est to live.

Darn right my dd is precious. So are these girls

@Frequency
thank you for your candour. I hope that you find peace

I completely agree with this.

It was not a nice comment, but the way OP has handled it is all about her feelings with zero ability to contextualise the Sd's comment - and zero maturity around does it really matter?

I mean people do get wrinkly in later life, and WLIs do cause this. It isn't like it was a comment on her personality or anything - though i am sure there have been a few of those now ...

I’m patronising? You clearly didn’t read your own post. The beauty of feminism is that I can have my own opinions, and so can you! ;)

You had every right to be upset at what they said, and to tell them that, and they had no right to comment on your body, but that doesn't change the fact that your reaction was out of proportion to the whole context and potentially very damaging to your DSD's health and her relationship with you.

This. Very poorly handled by the adult in the situation. But at least she can now sit about in her bikini without any family dropping by.🙄

Apparently not.

And that really is the heart of what is going on in this thread.

The OP is saying "I can shut you out of this home if you offend me."

You should have been adult enough to not let them know you'd heard and talk about your need for privacy with your dh later on

Seriously, what?!

Everyone saying the comments weren’t cruel, she should have known better not to display her un-hot body on the off chance they let themselves into her home, or they were justified bc she wasn’t intended to hear them etc - fucking what?

If this had been a partner, or an in-law, or a partner of someone’s child saying this shit I think there would be very different responses here.

Yes they are teens, yes one has an ED, but she herself was BODY SHAMING her step mum, she wasn’t discussing weight, bodies, nutrition and then happened to remark OP was overweight. They were bitching and laughing about OP’s body in a disgusting and judgemental way, and as someone mentioned previously, if all things body-related was strictly off limits in the family, why was the adult sister not crucified for going along with the discussion and not changing the subject ? She’s her older sister FGS.