AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

[UnflatteringComment]

Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

....and teenage boys aren't dickheads?

I don’t think it’s clear she lied either - particularly given how upset she is. If OP didn’t do or didn’t intentionally do what DD claims, she did that doesn’t mean DD2 is lying simply that she interpreted events that way due to OP’s “smirk”.

There doesn’t seem to be any awareness that both sides could be telling the truth.

OP has her revenge but I suspect it will turn out to be a pyrrhic victory.

Exactly.

Exactly. Being offended is not a good reason to nuke your relationship with your SC and ultimately your DH.

Over-reactions have consequences. Permanent ones.

I’m sure you understood that the post ie about two teen girls:, hence my reference to girls. Not sure why the need to be snarky 🤷‍♀️

Agree, it really isn't.

The op has let her vanity overrule her sense on this one.

The comment wasn't a big deal. No, it wasn't what she wanted them to say, but it was a trivial issue - added to which the op knows the Dsd has unhealthy body issues so probably focuses in on these things more than would be normal. It isn't that unusual for children make jokes about their parents - dad bodies etc - and sometimes to their face, but most parents are beyond the stage of paranoid vanity. No, it isn't particularly nice, no you don't want to encourage it, and yes the Dsd should have been pulled up on it, but in a family there cannot be an expectation that total embargo on ever making an unflattering observation won't on occasion get breached. I don't think the Dsd intended it to be heard.

Why the OP didn't just say "I heard that and it hurt my feelings" I'll never know. I'm sure a straightforward sorry would have been the natural response. I think the truth was her vanity was so offended she wanted to be snide. She was and it created ambiguity.

All she has done is reinforce to the DSd that body image is massively significant and not looking perfect is a big deal.

The comments were thoughtless and unkind, not 'cruel'. It's understandable that they felt cruel to someone who has had weight issues (I assume you have, hence using weight loss injections) but as you say, they were not intended for your ears.

Your response to a child recovering from an eating disorder was out of order. You should have been adult enough to not let them know you'd heard and talk about your need for privacy with your dh later on.

Poor spiteful little madams being so distraught.

Heaven forbid! 😂

The comment wasn’t a big deal to you but I imagine it was to the poster. She probably felt a flush of embarrassment and shame after likely struggling with her own body image for years. There she was in a vulnerable position when the teen bitched about her. Can you imagine how awful it felt ? And maybe the poster never learned to comfort herself and to communicate assertively. Maybe she’s like many people who are so hurt and feel so attacked they attack back. We know the op’s response was unhelpful , she knows that too. The girls will have internalised society’s expectations of perfection for women’s bodies so would have found it challenging seeing a real life imperfect body. Lots to unpick here but let’s not dismiss the op’s lived experience as ‘ no big deal’.

The stretching going on to excuse two rude girls and blame OP is excruciating. Unless DSD is thick as mince she couldn’t fail to know that OP was referring to their conversation only a few minutes earlier. Why else would both girls go running to their dad with lies to cover what they said ? What’s the excuse for the older girl ? She doesn’t have an eating disorder.

Yabu you are supposed to be the grown up. Teenagers can be thoughtless, as an adult you should have told them that you overheard and had an open discussion, not smirked and made comments back like you are the same age! And now you want to ban them from dropping in to see their own Dad. Wow

Clearly, they don't think much of the OP.

I'd tell him to vacate my property while he disciplines his daughters.

You will not be slamming my doors and trying to gaslight me.

Why are so many posters using the DSDs eating disorder as an excuse for her rudeness ? It’s totally irrelevant and not a free pass to be rude and insulting to others. They fat shamed OP. She called them out. They lied to their father and now she has that to deal with. The fact that the conversation wasn’t meant for her ears doesn’t make her hearing it any less hurtful. And yet posters are treating her as though she’s the perpetrator. It’s batshit.

I think you have been very reasonable OP.

I cannot imagine how shaming it would feel to think you were safe in your home in a bikini on a hot day and hear that.

MN does excuse and like to explain away the very worst of behaviour.

I believe she is upset for getting so roundly caught out for deeply unpleasant behaviour.

She knows you will see her far more clearly going forward, both of them.

No harm.
I wouldn't like anyone having keys to my home, particularly people so comfortable speaking so poorly about me.

I suspect you have given far too much in this relationship, which never inspires respect.

As OP said in her original post:

'Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!'

I assumed from his response that his daughters didn't tell him about the bitchy remark from the 16 year old about OP's excess skin. So it was an omission rather than a lie but it changed the whole context and implied that OP, absolutely unprompted, started talking to her step-daughter about weight.

Thankyou for the update.
It does make sense that they anounce their visits to avoid any further embarrassments.

On the spur of the moment, they made a comment and you gave an equal response.
I think you are both equal.

As with my own children, I have many ups and downs but we always make up. Its unconditional love. If my children say something to me I ignore them because I know the times they support me is 100 times more.

I hope both sides make an effort and do move on from this and clear the air.
In the future this will certainly feel like a minor incident its a shame if this incident does spoil your relationship going forward and a grudge is kept.
My post is meant in a kind way.
Wishing you all the best.

@UnflatteringComment I think you're a saint tbh
I would have taken the Keys and told them and dh that visits have to be planned when he's there. They obv don't like you much so I would feel very uncomfortable having them over when their dad's not there. And I don't understand why they want to come? Just because you have a nice house to hang in I suppose.

It's not an excuse, but it is relevant. When you have an ED, especially early into your recovery, or when you're in a restrictive phase, weight/weightloss/body image shadows every thought you have, every second of every day. It is a miserable, exhausting, and relentless disease. Any comment or thought you have on body image/eating, etc., is framed by the ED. And what you say or think is not rational; it has no basis in any reality other than the skewed version of reality the ED forces you to exist in.

It's not a free pass for rudeness, and OP had every right to tell DSD she heard her and found her comments hurtful, but it needs to be done carefully, given the subject matter and potential for triggering a relapse.

The bit that OP claims to be a lie was apparently OP “talking about weight” and “looking her up and down”.

Whatever OP did, even if unintentional, DSD is still too upset to talk to her DF about it for which OP does not seem to have taken any responsibility.

I get that. Teen girls especially are susceptible to comments about body image, which is why it’s important not to fan the flames, even when they do.

I hope you will be able to apologise for your part in this op. And hopefully in the fullness of time the girls will too.

It is really important with teens to model good behaviour, especially where eating disorders are involved, being the mental illness with the highest mortality rate.

Agree. They didn’t think OP could hear and were mortified she did so run and used the ED to gain their dad’s sympathy. Manipulative as hell but then lots of teens are.

You should have just calmly told them straight that you heard them and that it was hurtful. Then they would have likely been mortified, apologised, learned a lesson and you could all have moved on. Instead you acted like a teenager yourself and now you’re having a tantrum saying they can’t come over and see their dad? Seriously - grow up.

Good. If they're soooo offended and uncomfortable that OP was in a bikini, which is the excuse many have used here, it's only fair that she has a bit of warning if she is home alone.

To be honest I would never turn up to my own mum and dad's house without texting first. I lived there for 14 years and have a key.

Both you and the DSDs had knee jerk reactions - them to what they saw. You - to what you heard.

Get over it.
Be the grown up and apologise for being sarcastic. Explain that you heard them talking about you in a bikini and that you felt hurt but upon reflection - it was what any fit young girls would notice. And please can we just try to forget it all happened and go back to normal.
Families over look such small offences, or just talk plainly..