AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

She’s really upset because she’s been caught being incredibly rude, and she doesn’t know how to handle it. She will have to sit with that.

More victim blaming.

It is irrelevant whether you take the keys or don’t , once you tell them they now have to ‘check’ that it’s ok to drop in I doubt you will ever see them again in your home . I’m amazed that your husband is allowing his relationship with his children to be ruined in this way . Complete overreaction .

Of course, but that doesn’t mean teenage girls aren’t.

I'm guessing they're going to be permanently 'too upset' to talk about their disrespectful and hurtful behaviour towards OP who has been nothing but welcoming towards them in her home.

OP, you're not wrong to want to feel safe from bitchy comments in your own home and to have the freedom to sunbathe in your own private garden. Asking that they let you know before they're coming around is reasonable.

Possibly the ED is a factor in the comments but it sounds like OP's body is perfectly normal and it's highly unhealthy they think it's fine to comment in this way and to judge other people's bodies like this - especially when they walked in unannounced, it's not as if OP was expecting anyone to see her - whatever therapy they're having clearly isn't helping much. Lucky OP doesn't have a visible disability, really, I can't even imagine what comments they'd make then.

A grown woman who hasn't got the guts to just say 'I heard what you said. It was nasty.' Is not a 'victim' just because she heard comments she wasn't supposed to hear

But OP was upset, she's allowed to be upset. They were rude and unkind. Someone with an eating disorder where it takes over every waking minute would know that's unkind. The more likely explanation is that they knew they'd been caught being unkind and using the ED as an excuse not to be held to account.

OP was the wronged party here. I think we'd all like to think we would say outright 'i heard you, that was unkind ' but we don't always get it right in the moment. I'm sure even if OP had said that the girls would have twisted that into it being her fault. They are teenagers, and teenagers don't always have the emotional intelligence to accept their role and apologise. That comes with age and wisdom which their dad needs to teach them.

Surprised at some of these answers trying to give the op a pass for her own part in this. She doesn’t get a pass. Two wrongs never make a right.

smirking and eyeing a 16 year old up and down, a. 16 year old with an eating disorder is unacceptable. Yes they started it, yes one of them made a comment that was not ok. But that in no way means the ops behaviour was thus acceptable. It wasn’t.

OP was in her garden and thought she was alone, she wasn't wearing her bikini in a place where she'd expect anyone to see her. So the girls let themselves in, unannounced and then made bitchy comments. A little obviously when very hurt mild sarcasm whilst then also putting a dress on, showing that their comments made OP so uncomfortable she's changed her behaviour on account of them.

Older women can have body anxieties and issues and eating disorders too. You'd think if you were going through this commenting on another person's body would be the last thing you'd do. They're old enough to know when they're being cruel and rude.

And OP your DH is a dick if he doesn't address this immediately. Being 'upset' cannot be allowed to be a way to avoid responsibility. It's not ok to comment on others' bodies in general but especially so if you walk in on them unannounced in their own home. A quick message warning when they're coming over is a very reasonable response. Allowing bitchy comments to go unpunished will not help his daughter's recovery as it will imply they weren't that bad or - possibly - justified.

She didn't eye the 16 year old up and down. That's fabricated by the 16 year old. Why would you believe a defensive 16 year old over OP?

Isn’t the bigger question why you’re so over invested you’ve now started answering for the op?

she’s not expressly said she didn’t, and she may have done so without realising.

That's assuming EDs allow for rational thinking and logic. They don't. Like with any illness, it's different for everyone, but it has some common traits. I know from being in treatment for it myself that the "ED voice" is a common factor. I've never spoken to anyone with an ED who doesn't have the ED voice.

I exlpain it as if there are two people in my head, there is me, the logical, rational, educated me who loves my friends and family and who is happy for them when they lose weight and improve their health, and who is rooting for them and then there is the ED voice telling me, "Sally is better at losing weight than you and everyone knows it. They all think you're a fat, stupid heifer now because they can see how much better Sally is than you are."

There is me who looks at people looking happy and confident with a body that is outside of my skewed perception of what is desirable with awe and admiration. And then there is the ED voice telling me, "She can look like that because she is better than you and people like her more. If you look like that, everyone will hate you."

There is me who understands that when people comment on their own bodies, it is not a reflection of what they think of me, and there is the ED voice that says, "she's talking about you, you know, not herself? She knows you've put weight on. She's looking at your fat, flabby belly and she feels ill."

DSD might know that OP was reacting to her mean comment, but the ED voice won't know that. When you're struggling with your ED or early in recovery, that voice is loud and it's not always easy to decipher what is reality and what is your ED.

This is why families are always told to never comment on weight/food/calories, etc. We won't always be able to listen to what you say with logic and reason.

Imagine been a teenager and not being allowed to let yourself in, it’s a very clear way of telling them they are only guests in their dads home.

I agree. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, rhetorical language and sarcasm can all be misinterpreted.

I am a bit worried now about the daughter. I think you need to proactively get a message of conciliation and empathy to her. A message just asking if she's OK and reminding her how much you care about her?

If I was the teenage daughter and the response to this was for me not to have access to my dad's house, I would be thinking about cutting ties.

I do understand it hurt you. My daughter called me fat on Friday night to my face. It upset me and is still on my mind today. But the answer is not for my daughter to see me less/see me only at set times. She is younger and thought she was being factual/funny.

This is something the SD made up (either in her own head due to her ED or on purpose) so she could say to her dad that the OP was "talking about weight" and looking at her while doing it. Is that not obvious?

Also agree! If you’re so sensitive about your own body, why slag off someone else’s. You think she’d understand more than anyone how hurtful it is.

How cruel of them. I would have been deeply hurt by this. YANBU. She has twisted things because she knows she’s out of order.

End of the relationship then, by the sounds of it.

Imagine relaxing in your own home and hearing 2 bitchy teenagers slagging off your body

They clearly don't like her (which the OP was not aware of until now) so why would they want to go and spend time with her when her dad is out anyway?

They didn't do it intentionally! Careless and thoughtless, yes. But not cruel.

She knew she’d been caught being nasty so decided to turn the waterworks on and change the narrative to avoid getting into trouble, using her eating disorder as leverage.

What evidence do we have that they don't like her? My daughter called me fat and wobbly the other day, but I know she loves me. We argue all the time and she "lies" when she feels ashamed. But she still loves me and I love her.
Honestly OP, please do not buy into these type of comments. It will drive a massive wedge between you all.

So what you are really saying is that OP is to blame for wearing a bikini in her own back garden when she has loose skin and a middle-aged body which would obviously and understandably repulse her step-daughters? And that OP needs to apologise for to them for the sight of that body which all young fit girls would find repulsive?

Fuck that! What a dreadful thing for you to say to OP.