AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

If you re-read my post, you will see that I KNOW OP was talking about herself. So again, I will say, OP should NOT be making body focused comments about ANYONE, in front of a person with an eating disorder. Disordered thoughts will grab onto this comment and turn it around to use against themselves.

And no, an ED doesn't give an excuse to make bitchy comments, but it should have been called out plainly, not with a narky sarcastic immature attitude like OP did.

Its your house.
They are rude children. But if you stop them coming and going as they please, your relationship.with them will be ruined forever
So think carefully

You’re aware that everyone has their own history, personality, way of processing thoughts and emotions and thus ways of expressing them, yes? Not everyone would react like you.

I think the first step would be for the teenagers to acknowledge their behaviour was unacceptable and un-called for and apologise, don’t you? Why is it up to the victim in all this to be tidying up the whole mess? Yes they’re young but they’re not that young. They know how you’re meant to treat other people.

If they don’t live with you, they should knock rather than let themselves in. Doesn’t mean they’re not welcome.

They were disrespectful gossiping about, and critiquing, you in your home.

You were insensitive (given eating disorder) and immature (sarcasm, smirk) retaliating the way you did. Rise above or directly say you overheard and it’s disrespectful and rude.

IMHO you should all apologise.

A consequence of poor behaviour isn’t being banned from going to their home with their dad as normal, and any decent parent would end a relationship where that was the choice.

given your a family dealing with a teen with an ED, I’m guessing you’re all pretty educated on them, she was mean no question, and your response as an adult is possibly damaging.

I’m aware.

I said that’s how I would react - at no point have I said that the OP should have responded in a particular way…you then asked me if I had deep seated, long-standing body issues would I be capable, etc….

And I responded and said yes, I do but I still would react like that. Didn’t say that she should’ve reacted like that. I just said how I would’ve reacted. I’m not really getting what your issue is.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want DSDs letting themselves in unannounced, bearing in mind they are adults. We wouldn’t allow MIL to do it!!!

Let’s hope DH can see this for what it is.

This is insane! A bikini is a reasonable level of dress in front of small and adult children. Why is it OK for swimming but not for sun bathing?

You expect OP to make a sunbathing schedule and run it by her step-daughters to make sure that she doesn't have the temerity to sunbathe in her own garden when they are there?

I wouldn’t say anything to them, and I’d lock the front door when their dad is out.

She isn't witholding access to their dad. She doesn't want them turning up with no prior notice when their dad isn't there. They can still come round to see their dad. They just can't have the run of her home whenever they like any more.

I'm pretty sure that if OP had done this:

'if they say something about your weight that you find hurtful, you tell them you find it hurtful, ask them not to say it again, and change the subject.'

she would have had the same reaction from her step-daughter. She would have been mortified to know that OP had overheard and would have lashed out in exactly the same way rather than apologising.

Your post absolutely brushes past the fact that OP's step-daughter made her bitchy and body-shaming remark about OP's physical appearance completely unprovoked and she lied to her dad about what actually happened.

We have decided together that going forward they will need to ask before coming round rather than just turning up and letting themselves in. 99% of the time we will say yes but we discussed it a lot last night and I really want some privacy now or at least some warning before they turn up. Dh says that he reacted badly initially as was suddenly faced with his dd 2 calling up very distressed, he believes me about what happened but in the moment he believed her as she was so upset and nothing like this has happened before but he knows i wouldn’t lie.

Are you going to discuss what happened with the girls?

I see this very much from the mother of a mentally unwell child. And behaviours need talking about with kid gloves. Not sarcasm and blame.

Yes, I cant believe the level of punishment for a throwaway comment about something they will continue to think regardless.

They don't think you are a bikini model at your age op. We all have to come to terms with that. It's not as though they said it to your face, and your response was not transparent in its meaning.

Glad he's on board OP. An apology from the stepdaughters would be nice too but who knows if that will be forthcoming.
I imagine you're now going to get a barrage of negative comments about how you're restricting their access to their dad 🙄.

Cos they will feel super welcome now.🙄

I don't think its clear she lied.

I had to reread the OP's response to her to make sense of it. It wasn't a straightforward reaction.

Yes but so far they won’t even discuss it with dh after the initial phone call, he’s tried and dsd2 is still too upset so he’s waiting for them as he said can they let him know when they are ready to talk.

Have you been wanting to stop their impromptu visits for a while now?

Has this incident enabled you to enforce this?

Well, they were welcome until they were caught out bitching about the OP in her own home. Actions have consequences 🤷‍♀️.

Yes unfortunately I think people will think that. The reality is that if he’s here 100% of the time he will always say yes - we just want the unplanned drop ins to change to a quick call or text to ask if it’s ok and that they don’t just let themselves in without asking if it’s ok to come round. dh said he would get the keys back, I’ve said not to do that for now to see if they respect what we are going to ask them to do now. If they continue to just let themselves in we will ask for keys back but I don’t think that would help the situation to do now.

I hope it all pans out okay. Good luck.

Not at all, it was me that gave them keys years ago ! It has just highlighted to me that I value more privacy now and would like notice before they turn up. I just don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my home.

Also agree! Perfectly fine!