AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

After the OP had reacted like she did 🤷‍♀️

And are insults all you have? I guess it’s better to have a go at me than a couple of young women.

It is not quite unheard of in blended families, it is pretty much like your own children telling you if they will be in or out. People raising children in more than one household can often have commitments on their no contact days, so it is ok to ask for them to let you know if they are planning to be around.

Absolutely. She’s lying because she’s humiliated at having to admit what a bitchy comment she made. She doesn’t think it was about her.

Is ‘spiteful little madams’ your phrase of the day?

shes Admitted the expression the girl called smirking. It’s really really common especially for women to have an awkward half smile when they are very uncomfortable or upset. I think it’s extremely likely this is what happened, the girl lied about the whole thing and people are still taking the ‘smirk’ comment as absolutely true.

It's not an insult; it's a description of what I thought you were doing. Making tenuous links between what I said and your interpretation of what I said.
Would you rather I assumed you were being disingenuous or dishonest? I'm not calling you that; I'm simply asking whether you would prefer me to interpret your behaviour that way instead. Because those are the only two camps I can sort your post to.

I don’t care how you ‘interpret my behaviour’. How odd that you would think I would 🤨

Methinks the lady doth protest too much. 😘

If you want to come back when you have something substantive to say, instead of just having a pop and posting passive aggressive kisses, then feel free.

Some Mners do. It’s why they’re usually NC with their families and struggle with friendships.

Sorry but I’m afraid you have to be the grown up in this situation.
What they said was wrong, they shouldn’t have said it and you should not have to hear it ever again. However, they are teenagers (potentially with distorted views body image)living with parents who have split and now you are trying to drive a wedge between them and their dad. You could have just ignored their silly comments and modelled to them how important it is to feel happy in your own body. If you felt the need to challenge them then you should have done it directly, explaining how it made you feel rather than trying to insinuate and then getting upset when they misunderstood and took it the wrong way.
Refusing to let your husband’s 16 yr old daughter in to your house without prior arrangement on the basis of one thoughless remark is escalating disproportionately and comes across as a bit crazy.

If you were going to confront them you should have done it directly OP and told them you heard what they said.

You’ve escalated the situation by behaving like a teenager yourself.

As the adult in the situation I would try to smooth things over at this point, rather than continue the argument.

I can understand you wanting some times where you can relax without anyone coming over, but did this happen on Father’s Day?

I think MN is better when posters don't lie about what another post has said and then get offended when they are called out on it. I really think some posters should focuses on exercising their neurons rather than their arms. Making stuff up or tenuous links don't really add anything to the conversation. But YMMV.

They still did it, though. They didn't have to, but they did.

Is the implication that it was not OK for the OP to react as she did and now it's all on her that they've gone all DARVO?

I don't know why the sister joined in. It could be that she's only 18 and lacks the maturity to appropriately deal with her sibling's illness; it could be something else. It's something OP could have raised with DSD1 out of earshot of DSD2 if she'd managed the situation like an adult instead of inflaming the situation by joining in with the teenage dramatics.

Of course, OP has a right to feel comfortable in her own home, and she also had every right to tell the girls she heard their comments and was hurt by them, like a rational adult would have done. The way OP did deal with it was childish, cruel, and dangerous.

I don't blame her DH for being upset with her. All things considered, knowing the stress ED can cause families of sufferers, I think the DH has been quite restrained.

Lots of people on here saying that you should've taken the moral high ground because you're the adult.
They were being nasty about you and you were hurt, especially in your own house after having made the effort to lose weight.
You lashed out with a PA comment but the little bitches deserved it. And now they're lying about you, trying to turn their dad against you?!?! I'd be having nothing to do with them until I got an apology.

I agree. You acted like the third teen girl in the room.

The hard reality is that people will say things behind your back that are more cruel than they would say to your face. That's reality. If you are honest with yourself, you have almost certainly said things about people you would not hurt them with.

At the end of the day, this isn't a biggie: your post jab weight loss body looks wrinkly to teens. It probably is in comparison with theirs. So what.

Why didn't you handle it sensibly and just say "I'm going to cover up because I'm embarrassed and tbh a bit hurt after what I just heard you say." If you had played it straight instead of trying to be smart Alec about it, the misinterpretation could not have arisen.

This.

With her body shaming attitude, I don’t think she would be able to recover. Eating disordered people usually are preoccupied with weight and shape of their bodies and if SD is making fun of someone’s body, this won’t help her heal.

Sorry, is OP a robot, or a human being with her own thoughts and emotions? It’s all very well to tell her what she should have done after the event in a rational, logical way, but most humans don’t operate like that, especially in circumstances like these where they are suddenly and unexpectedly emotionally betrayed by ppl close to them. The two teens behaved like misogynistic youths or older men discussing a woman at a gym or other public place - not in the sanctity of her own garden!

If she’d stepped back and had half an hour or more to process she may very well have reacted like you advise. in this instance, she took herself from the vulnerable position of being gawped at while being half-clothed and exposed outside, to wanting to cover herself up immediately to avoid further callous scrutiny. Wouldn’t you want to do the same? For that she had to go inside her home and directly past the teenagers. She couldn’t avoid them! She then let them know she’d heard them and that she wasn’t impressed and showed considerable restraint IMO - she could have resorted to much higher levels of emotion - such as shouting, swearing, name calling, some ppl may have even been tempted to worse in the moment. Her own MH could have been triggered and affected by the incident.

I’d have called it out there and then “hey girls I heard that, not very kind!” Kinda thing.

The two teens are now employing DARVO and fortunately it sounds like the husband has gone from attacking OP as a form of defending his daughter to acknowledging she is telling the truth but wanting to hear his daughter’s version of events - as he will be left to negotiate all this between his wife and daughter.

Do you really think you’d be capable of that if you had your own deep-seated body issues you were highly sensitive about and felt cut down out of nowhere by two ppl you thought cared about you, in your own home?

I think a lot of ppl are telling OP what she should have done, like she has no emotions herself and was merely a bystander to them verbally attacking someone else. It’s far easier to speak and act in a calm and rational ‘adult’ way when you’re not the one being picked apart and not directly affected.

@WhatTheHellsGoingOnas someone who does have those issues, my weight has fluctuated between 10 and 23 stone during my adult life and the excess skin is real, yes I definitely would and have done.