AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

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Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

Make a list for him of his flaws and failures as a husband, father and man? You can't be the only one to blame for your marital issues.

He hates you and is making you miserable. He probably/maybe has an OW lined up and he wants you to end the relationship so he doesn’t look that the bad guy. Think about it. Is this what you want out of life? Don’t waste any more time and energy on this man.

😂 good one.

I am afraid I would be telling him to bugger off. Permanently.

a good post !

or with a weekly cleaner perhaps, shopping online for bulky or heavy stuff,
couple of evenings out with a hobby, swimming, College courses in the Autumn,
poetry/book group at the Library, whatever, chores for children, start them young, teamwork

he is pleading for recognition, not only as a man and husband, but for OP to
realise she and the marriage are stale and be prepared to give it a shot in the arm

or be better off single which seems a little defeatist when the solution to your
marital unawareness is so simply acquired

I hope you don’t charge for this advice.

the last long sentence is gibberish !

Yes I currently enemy No.1 because I reminded him to take his medication ( that he has forgot all day ) and he was on his computer and now it's my fault he has been working on software for hours and it made him forget where he was and will now need to spend hours rechecking it .

Has MN been infiltrated by trad wives?

When I read your OP I just thought it was an unpleasant argument and you should try to move on from it. However your update makes me think you would be much better off without your husband. He sounds mist unpleasant, nasty and controlling. As soon as you start to change your behaviour to appease someone, you are a slippery slope to a horrible life. Please put a stop to it now.

Having read this, I feel that he either has a genuine hurt that he's expressing very badly or he's thoroughly toxic and you will be damaged if you remain in this environment. You're pulling your weight but he's just not happy and he's taking it out on you. Whether you want to get to the root of that or not is up to you because he's not behaving well enough for you to bother unless you desperately want to.

He has a nap and can't pick up the kids so you have to use your lunch break 🤯🤯🤯🤯

A marriage therapist? I hope you are truthful with your male clients and tell them when they are coercive, unpleasant, and dont deserve to be married to the women they are abusing. Because that's what it is. This woman needs to leave.

A woman putting her children first? The horror… he sounds like a prize twat. What are his faults? Apart form the twat-factor, obviously

Sorry, but 'cover while I travel for work' is just parenting his own children!

My ex told me that he didn't feel like he was the most important person in my life - my response was that my daughter would always be the most important person (he's not her father, and an ex because he started being very positive about Reform....)

OP - if you've tried counselling and he still speaks to you like this, you need to get an exit strategy in place. You sound like a wonderful mother and will find life so much easier on your own

Get rid, no ifs no buts.

Please tell me you're joking and that you're not really a marriage therapist. Who are your clients? Tradwives? Her husband is abusive. Women should never attend marriage counselling with their abuser.

When he says stuff like this:

He says I can't talk to people as all i do is stare at a computer all day, but when he calls me thick and stupid because I do something differently to how he does (there's not two ways of doing something in his mind, there is his way or the wrong way) I don't really want to talk to people as i'm worried he will complain about what i say'

Do you really think that OP should be trying to save her marriage? He has told her that literally everything she does is wrong. How on earth is OP's marriage a safe place for her and her children? If you really are a marriage therapist, you're in the wrong job.

I am completely baffled by the mental gymnastics that turn a man who tells his wife that she is thick and stupid into a victim who loves her and is crying out for her attention.
He is setting her up to fail on every level, and she can't do right for doing wrong. Whatever is going on with this man, the bottom line is that he is deeply unpleasant at the most generous assessment.
Agree with all the others that you need to start considering a life apart, because being together sounds awful for you.

I'm sorry ...but trying to destroy someone as a call for help? Nonsense

He is an abuser...you don't take that to joint therapy...you get safely away

Such dangerous thinking in your post

He's given you a list of your “flaws”, things that you can’t easily change- you can’t suddenly stop working full time, prioritising your job or your kids, develop a better social life if he’s out all the time… basically he’s done this because he knows you can’t change most/all of these things, and the reason is that in all likelihood he’s cheating on you or planning to. And it’s all your fault because you are so flawed and a bad wife. Been there, seen that. I mean, he might not be, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all.

Just one bit of advice.....try making really easy meals and sit with your husband in the evening regardless of how tired you are. Also present him with a similar list of his faults as you see them.

Then if he complains that the meals too simple you say its so you can put him first. And make him do his share.

What a repulsive little man - listing your faults like this.

Does he ever say anything positive about you? To you?

He’s really nasty.

You will never please him and no doubt you will twist yourself in knots trying to please him for the rest of your life.

Please leave him. Focus on you and your dcs.

And for the love of god, ignore the ‘marriage therapist’ on here who clearly enables nasty pieces of work like this in real life. Awful. I pity their clients.

Your bar must be seriously low if you get ‘he loves you!’ from that list of bullshit.

He doesn’t even like her.. let alone love her!

My husband was brought up by a narcissist mother who neglected him but has re-written history since that she was the best mother ever (she forgot the bit where she ran off with another man for 18 months). He tried this kind oh thing on me once. We had some therapy, discovered his trauma and his mother lies and he has made a lot of progress.