AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

[Timeforachange2026]

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

anytime my husband would try to be mean I showed him the door. Works everytime...you can stop the sex too

Why you still with someone who speaks to you like dirt and has no respect for you? You sound lovely, life is too short to be trying to please a man like this. Do you ever pull him up on his shortcomings? As I’m sure as hell there are loads!

The below would make me walk from the pathetic list,

“Put the kids before him”

kids first every time, should be both parents priority, hes needy and jealous of you
spending time with your own kids, pathetic

This guy needs to piss off.

Stop doing all the things you do for him and see how long it takes for him to work out that he is the problem.

then put him in the bin

Over whelmed by all the responses but I have ready all of them thank you

The list isn't out of the blue, he had moaned about some of these a few times over the years, I try snd change and do what he wants and then we hace a period where we are ok, i'll do something 'wrong' again and he'll snap and we're back to this. Its a cycle that ee have probably repeated several times now

His friends and family know he can be a difficult person and i'm not saying I am the easiest but I also know when to pick my battles etc. If he leaves a light on in a room or clothes on thr floor i just deal with it. With him its a constant moan and being reminded about it for at least a week.

I have lost count of the number of times I have had plans to go out and had to change them because he has made plans or had to go to work at a weekend and not told me so I have to amend my plans

He jas definitely changed since having the children. He tried to convince me I had post natal anxiety with my first child, sent me to a therapist and everything who was surprised and said i was just a slightly anxious first time mum. With our second i went back to work earlier than I would have liked because I was so anxious that he would try and convince me I had PPA again

He saw i am over protective of the kids as I still like to hold my 5 years olds hand when we walk to/from school (one day he won't want to hold my hand so i'm making the most of it) and that because if one of them falls over or hurts themselves i go and check they are ok i'm smothering them

I'm afraid my ex was similar and I regret compromising myself to do things his way.

I regret particularly letting him tell me I was being too soft on DS.

It's exhausting and debilitating living with someone who neither likes you nor values your contributions to the relationship.

It sounds like he's controlling you to do what he wants but isn't even happy with that. Please carefully consider your options.

I've only read your posts @Timeforachange2026 but he is abusing you and has for many years. Get out while you can, and protect the children from such an unhealthy dynamic.

You obviously need a divorce so just file for it

Hi @Timeforachange2026 .

I'm so sorry your husband is such a nasty, unpleasant man.

Holding your 5 yr old child's hand is a very normal and lovely thing to do. As is checking to see they're OK if they fall over or hurt themselves.

He sounds jealous of his own children.

Think how they are going to feel as they grow up and he starts criticising everything they do.

I know what I would do in your position...

Oh OP, please do leave this man if you can. Or at least start putting plans in place to. He sounds jealous of your children, belittling and doesn't want you to have a life of your own. Know your worth - you don't need to put up with it. I've dumped men for far less and been much happier for it.

What a complete, total, utter, pathetic excuse for a man!!! Break this cycle OP.... no more...Do you have family for support? You really really must see a solicitor. Get the ducks in a row. Because...... THIS IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE!!!! HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE A DECENT HUSBAND. HE IS A SHIT DAD IF HE EXPECTS TO BE PUT BEFORE THE KIDS. HE IS ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC TO EXPECT TO BE "MADE TO FEEL SPECIAL" !!! YOU MUST PUT YOURSELF AND THE KIDS FIRST. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

Ditch this asshole ASAP.

Please leave ASAP. That is no way to live. Tell yourself everyday that life is too short and you deserve so much more.

It is not your fault OP. I wouldn't waste any more energy on trying to change yourself or thinking about what you did. It's not you. His behaviour is unreasonable.

If you can, give yourself space from it for awhile, you could bring the kids for a few days to see their aunt or grandparents etc. It would give yourself some space for your head and give you some support with the kids too.

I would concentrate on practical arrangements for now instead of too much counselling if it was me. You'll feel way better having a practical plan in place, where you have more support with the kids and a plan in place also if you do need to leave. If you don't need to leave urgently, you could be spending your time making plans and weighing up your options. Analysing yourself or trying to change him will only exhaust you

Every one of your posts is imbued with desperation and justification to try and meet this man’s approval op. Don’t. Just drop the rope.

You don’t need his approval to hold your child’s hand. You don’t need to meet his list of demands. You don’t need to pick his clothes up.

Please see a solicitor, get your arrangements in place, then divorce him. For the sake of your children if not yourself. Save them from this abusive dynamic that they currently think is the normal way for men and women to live. It isn’t.

To convince you of having PPA is disgusting. What a horrible man.

My 13yo DD still holds my hand, you keep holding your DS for as long as he wants you to!

Gaslighting prick!!

Go back to see a counsellor. Not to fix yourself but to decide whether this is a healthy relationship and if not what you are you going to do.

Im in the LTB camp though. He is not a kind person and had treated you horribly. It’s abusive by the sound of it.

Marie Kondo him. This man does not spark joy.

This man is seriously abusive. This is textbook emotional abuse / coercive control.

Just a random thought, it's a sad day when a child is too grown up to hold a parent's hand. What's the first thing they do when they have a boy/girl friend though? Ah, they hold their hand.... 😊

He says you don't have a social life and then "I have lost count of the number of times I have had plans to go out and had to change them because he has made plans or had to go to work at a weekend and not told me so I have to amend my plans" This is abusive and deliberate. You will never be able to do anything right as he will ALWAYS move the goalposts. Leave him, do things your way and never have to worry about his views again. You deserve so much better.

This reminds me of the guy who went viral years ago for making a spreadsheet of excuses his wife used not to have sex with him. Not sure where men find the audacity.

He is bang out of order with his demands and sounds like he is mean and selfish, as your kids are very young, it is only right that you put them first.

I had this for 15 years with an ex. About every 3 to 6 months it would come out how awful they thought I was. I would patch it up and put it down to his mental health. But it never ended. The cycle continues. We eventually broke up but I WISH I had cut my losses much earlier and not spent so many years trying to fit around someone who would never be happy with me. There was a mountain of negativity that had been built up over the years which would never have been possible to shift.

OP are you more senior / higher earner to him?
Im getting a strong vibe that hes threatened by your work and wants to cut you down to make himself feel better. Ive seen it with friends when the wife has had a promotion or career success.
Id agree with talking things through up to the point where he called you thick. I would absolutely not stay in a marriage with somebody who insults his partner like that.

Please leave this narcissist asap. You deserve better and your children need you to show strength and teach them good boundaries

wasn’t this meant to be funny?