AIBU to suggest sharing the home office so the children can split bedrooms?

[Findlebarr]

Wise women of MN, I need help in settling a marital disagreement…

DH and I both have ‘hybrid’ work patterns. In a typical week we both WFH Monday & Friday and some weeks there will be an additional day.

We did a garage conversion a few years ago which created a smallish office where DH works. I have a desk set up in the spare bedroom. Up to now this has worked well and both spaces have pros and cons. DH got the office because he tends to WFH more days than I do.

The disagreement… I would really like the convert the spare bedroom into a bedroom for DC1. We have 2 DC and they have always shared but they’re getting to an age where they want their own space and it’s becoming more and more of an issue (quarrelling and moaning etc). I suggested to DH that we could move my desk into the office and share it. He is absolutely not having it. I think it would be perfectly fine - we both work in open plan set ups when we’re in the office. We both use headsets for calls/zooms. There is enough room for 2 desks side by side. DH says we would distract and annoy each other and it would be too hard when we were both on a call at the same time.

If it makes any difference we don’t tend to get on each others’ nerves or bicker etc. I don’t understand why he’s so sure it would be awful. I also asked him if he expects DC to share a room until they leave home and he didn’t really have an answer for that.

Which one of us is being unreasonable here?

YABU - sharing an office with DH will never work
YANBU - there’s no reason a couple can’t share a home office

You don’t have a ‘spare room’: your DC share a room & it’s no longer working.

I couldn’t share workspace with DH for reasons other posters describe.

So in your situation would find an alternative to take turns in, eg kitchen or living room. & adjust it so you only have one workday both at home.

I would say he changes his wfh days, goes to a we work space, or he shares.

He needs to put his children first.

I think you should make your office into a bedroom but keep your desk in there. The only issue then would be school holidays when the DC are older and not in childcare and want a lie in..

Part of the reason we moved was to resolve this. I hated sharing an office space with DH - nothing personal but he was on calls almost constantly and I need a bit more quiet to concentrate. I agree you need to find a solution though - our DC loved sharing for a while but then really wanted own space

I get your DHs objection I would be the same. No way would I want to share my home office with my other half, or anyone. That the whole advantage of wfh - you don’t have to share with anyone.

Me and DH both share an office, we WFH full time and have since 2020. We have a desk each next to each other and it's lovely, I miss him when he goes in the office. We have noticed cancelling headphones for when we are both in meetings. We are very respectful of each other when on calls. I have meetings every 2 weeks with developers that have to be recorded and I just give him prior notice so he knows not to be too loud. I don't speak to anyone outside of my company but DH does speak to customers.

Typical MN.

Very similar situation to you in terms of family staying.

I have a desk in our kitchen/back room. It's narrow to fit into the alcove but long enough for laptop and a screen (I just use the laptop as the second screen). I fitted a pull out keyboard tray so that when I'm at it I fill what should be the circulation space (doesn't matter because kids are at school while I'm working).

Screen angled away from kitchen door so no one would see if anyone does wander in. It's not a big space but very multi purpose.

Child 1 bedroom has a pull out IKEA bed. It has big drawers underneath but pulls out to a large double easily for family staying. Child 2 bedroom has an extra mattress on bed which is easily set up on floor for child 1 if we have guests.

I wouldn't like to share a tiny space in the garage when you have a whole house not being used at that point. You need clever furniture to make the best use of the space you have.

we too live far from family. & prioritise DC having a room each.

We work from home on opposite days and share the one office, I wouldn’t want to share a home office with DH, it would be distracting.

Why does she have to give up her office space automatically?

Why do men always get the better spaces??

Why should she, when he enjoys a fully private space?

No it’s not going to work being in the same office. During lockdown both me and my husband worked from the dining room and it was a nightmare on calls. We luckily worked in same company at that point but there is also a confidentiality issue if you’re discussing clients or business matters in earshot of someone who doesn’t work there.

I think the best idea by far is turning one office into a bedroom with a desk in there so you can work in there when your child is at school. They simply won’t be at home. In the hols they’ll need to know the room will be worked in but that’s the compromise for having their own room. When they are a lot older they may not want a parent in their room all day - privacy etc - but hopefully by then you’ll have a garden room or different WFH days!

I use my son’s desk in his room. It’s very much his desk, in the style of his bedroom and he uses it for homework. So the emphasis to the kids is very much me borrowing it rather than me having a desk in his space. I only use it when we are both WFH so it’s not full time. I leave my paper work in the office and use that desk when it’s free.

Who gets the office space depends on who needs a set up with screens etc I guess?

we have a set up in the study so if I feel I need it I’ll work there but most of the time I only need my laptop so can sit at any table

i do tend to do my office days when DH is wfh because he just gets on my nerves he’s so noisy!

Not necessarily true, me and DH have been working in the same room for 6 years. It works perfectly for us

DH and I work in the same office at home. It is absolutely fine. It’s no different from being in the office and someone at the next desk being on a call. If you use headsets.

I think it's reasonable not to want to share your home office with your spouse. If he got a job in your actual office you might not like that either. A bit of space is good. But most people don't have 2 dedicated home offices. You either alternate your WFH days or set up a workspace somewhere else - possibly rotating who gets which set up depending on if it bothers you. In fact plenty of my colleagues work from their kids' bedrooms while they're at school, and it becomes their homework desk in the evening. Or work from the kitchen table or whatever.

TBF I have the office in our house! I do tell dh he can use it when I'm not there (magnanimous, much) but he has got used to closer access to the kettle.

Find a way to divide the office so it's not just 2 desks next to each other? Some sort of screen with noise damping properties? You both might need smaller desks or more creative storage too, but if you have a garage that is working as an office already you need to reimagine it for 2.

Sit him down and suggest working out a plan on how you can afford a bigger house. Maybe suggest he changes jobs to earn more or even get a part time job. Or you can and he’ll have to take on more childcare / household duties.

Sharing an office is the compromise. You shouldn’t automatically have to use a temporary space, nor should the kids miss out on having their own room each. Kids also shouldn’t miss out due to occasional guests either.

I cannot imagine bothering to absorb any ‘confidential’ information my partner was sharing on a call. And if I did, I wouldn’t repeat it.

or just wear noise cancelling headphones when they’re on a call.

people have shared offices forever.

I don't think its practical to share an office, unless its a large one. It's different being in an office where everyone is working for the same company, usually doing something similar.