AIBU to suggest sharing the home office so the children can split bedrooms?

[Findlebarr]

Wise women of MN, I need help in settling a marital disagreement…

DH and I both have ‘hybrid’ work patterns. In a typical week we both WFH Monday & Friday and some weeks there will be an additional day.

We did a garage conversion a few years ago which created a smallish office where DH works. I have a desk set up in the spare bedroom. Up to now this has worked well and both spaces have pros and cons. DH got the office because he tends to WFH more days than I do.

The disagreement… I would really like the convert the spare bedroom into a bedroom for DC1. We have 2 DC and they have always shared but they’re getting to an age where they want their own space and it’s becoming more and more of an issue (quarrelling and moaning etc). I suggested to DH that we could move my desk into the office and share it. He is absolutely not having it. I think it would be perfectly fine - we both work in open plan set ups when we’re in the office. We both use headsets for calls/zooms. There is enough room for 2 desks side by side. DH says we would distract and annoy each other and it would be too hard when we were both on a call at the same time.

If it makes any difference we don’t tend to get on each others’ nerves or bicker etc. I don’t understand why he’s so sure it would be awful. I also asked him if he expects DC to share a room until they leave home and he didn’t really have an answer for that.

Which one of us is being unreasonable here?

YABU - sharing an office with DH will never work
YANBU - there’s no reason a couple can’t share a home office

I shared with my husband for a while and it was really annoying. He’s very loud. He said I was very loud.

anyway of splitting his office up?

OMG everyone. I’m beside myself. We’ve just had it out and it turns out that he quit his job months ago and has been live-streaming in the Dungeons and Dragons community full time 😭

I’m only joking… I’ve just been amused by the suspicious minds on this thread who assume he must be hiding something. I am totally sure that he’s just being selfish about having a space for himself. But also I am taking on board the comments from those who agree that sharing a small office might not be ideal.

Sorry I had to step away for a while to eat but I’m grateful to everyone who offered suggestions and shared their own experiences. I’m mulling it all over and will come to DH with some options tomorrow.

Just want to add that we have settled a long way away from where we grew up (like a 6 hour+ drive) so we’ve always valued having a spare room to host our families, it’s not the case that it’s actually just ‘my office’.

When we had people staying over in my office. I took over my sons gaming space. Presumably one of your kids will need a proper desk - couldn’t you just equip it slightly better than a kid would usually have and use it whilst they’re at school?

How old are the dc? Depending on the answer I’d be really really pissed about his zero care for finding a solution.

that said, my dh is very loud on calls and it would drive me crazy to work in the same room with him. We tried in COVID. Doesn’t change that your dh is being a selfish dick, unless perhaps the kids are 2 & 3. But I have two who are 11 and 8 sharing and they will definitely need their own room!

If the kids are that age or older I’d say to him have you had a conversation with anyone else about whether they are going to need their own room? Thought about it for 10 seconds, or just gone ‘not convenient for ME therefore not happening?’ Because it feels like all priority you and zero priority being a parent, and since I can’t work with you on this I think I’m going to move into your office, give the kids a bedroom each and let you solve the problem, as you’re their parent too and right now I’m parenting more despite you than with you, because you’ve decided it’s not your problem because the status quo suits you. Kids grow up, they don’t have a status quo. I’ll be moving in at the end of 4 weeks unless you’ve been proactively cheerfully working with me to think through options. I’m tired of thinking alone while you happily get on because you’re all right Jack.

When we had guests they would use my room and I’d share with my sister.

it does feel like 50% of the permanent residents of the house are coming third on the list of priorities!

There is enough space in our office for two desks but DH and I could never share. I’d get distracted and want to chat all the time, I’m too loud on the phone and would annoy him!

I wfh less so have a fold out desk in the dining room that tucks away when not in use.

Yes course the kids should have own room as you have 3 bed home

maybe to share back again if have guests but otherwise be a bedroom for the children to have one each

it must be quite a good size if has a double in it plus desk currently

How old are your kids ?

if school age can a desk /table /make up table be put in their room and work there

a folding table in your room ?

what do you need office equipment wise

if just a laptop can you work via a kitchen /living room table ?

or is it more equipment

it would prob drive me nuts to share a small office space and be with dh 24hrs a day tho one day a week might be ok

renting office space ?

I spent the first half of COVID sharing an WFH space with my partner. Oh it was painful, apart from a confidentiality issue between both of our roles and industries, I learned just how loud he was on calls to the point it became a borderline ick when I knew my colleagues could hear him on my calls and recognise his voice despite never meeting him in person. Even if he talked on work calls at less of a foghorn volume waking up, working for hours next to him and then ending the day with him became unhealthy and unbearable - even when we moved back to hybrid working. If both children need separate rooms is there any space to make a half WFH space so that one person can use the nice office desk set up in the garage and the other in more of a as needed space elsewhere in the house so you can swap and change as needed?

Me and DH have a double desk in our study unfortunately we both have sensitive confidential calls which shouldn’t really take place in the vicinity of each other so he uses the dining room begrudgingly.

Is the study big enough to have a bed and desk? Then it can still be used as a work space during school time

Is the entire garage conversion made up of the office? If so it must be much bigger than he needs, and could be split into 2 separate offices.

Nooooo! About 1/3 of the space is an office now. Just about big enough for 2 desks.

A few people have asked for DC ages. They are both single digits that’s all I want to say.

I have a Pith and Stem folding desk in the dining room. It's expensive but it has paid for itself in train fare savings. You can hardly tell it's there. I appreciate not everyone has a dining room though, but you may be able to put it in a bedroom or living room.

Hearing my husband ‘speak corporate’ was an ick for me

The best solution here is for you to put the older DC in the larger of the two bedrooms but with a good sized desk which you use during the day and s/he uses for homework after 5pm. Can you add an under desk drawer unit which can house your work and desk supplies so everything can be tidied up quickly?

This. You have the office Monday, he has it Friday, the other person works at the kitchen table. Or someone changes their wfh days. Just lazy and entitled of him to expect everything to revolve around him getting the space he wants.

OK, I have a solution.

Put your desk in your bedroom and move your husband’s clothes into his office to make space for it. They won’t distract him on calls.

Clearly your children are reaching an age where they need their own bedrooms.

Keeping your desk in what will become your children’s room isn’t going to work- you’ll have work days when they are off school, there’s a danger that visiting friends will meddle with your stuff.

Would your employers be happy for you to share? Seems like a confidentiality/GDPR risk - overhearing what you are saying on calls, paperwork lying around etc.

It would drive me nuts sharing my study with DH when working. It would be a hard no for me.

Is he using his “office” as a quiet space for himself when he’s not actually working

I think its different sharing an office with someone from outside of your organisation

I think separate desks are better.

Put your desk somewhere else, use dining table or wfh different days so can both use the office. Cant get my head around kids sharing a room when you have a spare one

I would pay for a co working space for those 2 days. Depending where you are there are cheap ones and you can take turns on who sues the co working space and who uses the office

what does your wfh policy say?

we are not allow to share with anyone not connected to our organisations.

Every time the kids bicker and argue send them to him to sort out. He might change his mind.

Just work from the kitchen / dining room table and tidy your stuff away at the end of every day, that’s what I do