AIBU to suggest sharing the home office so the children can split bedrooms?

[Findlebarr]

Wise women of MN, I need help in settling a marital disagreement…

DH and I both have ‘hybrid’ work patterns. In a typical week we both WFH Monday & Friday and some weeks there will be an additional day.

We did a garage conversion a few years ago which created a smallish office where DH works. I have a desk set up in the spare bedroom. Up to now this has worked well and both spaces have pros and cons. DH got the office because he tends to WFH more days than I do.

The disagreement… I would really like the convert the spare bedroom into a bedroom for DC1. We have 2 DC and they have always shared but they’re getting to an age where they want their own space and it’s becoming more and more of an issue (quarrelling and moaning etc). I suggested to DH that we could move my desk into the office and share it. He is absolutely not having it. I think it would be perfectly fine - we both work in open plan set ups when we’re in the office. We both use headsets for calls/zooms. There is enough room for 2 desks side by side. DH says we would distract and annoy each other and it would be too hard when we were both on a call at the same time.

If it makes any difference we don’t tend to get on each others’ nerves or bicker etc. I don’t understand why he’s so sure it would be awful. I also asked him if he expects DC to share a room until they leave home and he didn’t really have an answer for that.

Which one of us is being unreasonable here?

YABU - sharing an office with DH will never work
YANBU - there’s no reason a couple can’t share a home office

Have you pointed out the irony that he is refusing to share his space while insisting his children need to??

Exactly what I was going to suggest. (Though personally I'd alternate my use of the desk in DC's bedroom and the office set-up your husband has, just to make the point that my job was just as important as his.)

If your husband doesn't agree this is all more important than making your kids share when they don't have to, he's a right dick.

YANBU ~ sounds very sensible. He can try and change his wfh days if he doesn't like it.

I’d probably insist you both need a desk in the office and it needs to be shared space where you have a permanent “home base” for all your wfh stuff.

On the days where only one of you is wfh then whoever is home can use the office. When you’re both wfh you can take turns as to who has the office and who has to set up at the kitchen table or whatever.

That way you both have a “home base” but don’t have to work together in the same room.

For what it’s worth DH and I both wfh on the same day. We don’t have enough room for a home office for either of us, not even a proper desk. He works at the kitchen table and I work in the living room. If our kitchen table was big enough we would both work there.

Where there’s a will there’s a way and I think your DH is being very selfish. We don’t have enough space for our kids to have a room each and I can’t imagine us prioritising a home office over them having their own room if we were fortunate enough to be in that position.

Same as PP id be thinking what doesn’t he want you to see if you were to work together 🤔

I'd prioritise kids in their home over workspace. I have the office as I'm at home every day, my wife uses my son's desk - fortunately, he keeps his room immaculate. Any chance that could happen?

I shared an office with ex partner. Was fine, except he didn't use headphones for his many calls 🙄 When we both had calls at the same time I'd vacate and use the lounge/dining room.

If you both use headphones and one vacates when both on a call it is fine. Your DH needs to grow up a bit, and be more generous.

Can you put up a privacy screen between the desks?! I agree with you OP, the kids could do with a room each. It really does help them stop fighting too which your hubby must also reap the benefit from.

Throughout COVID time DH and I were both WFH in the same room. Basically we used the dining room, one of us on one side of the the table and one on the other. We actually managed fine. We both had frequent calls and Teams meetings, me more than him probably, but it was rarely a problem.

I guess if it had looked like being a permanent thing we might have tried converting a spare room in to an office, but it wasn't so we didn't

hmm. I know that WFH is now a common thing and can be beneficial to all concerned but in my (agreed) old fashioned opinion its the family home first and your workspace second. Do I sense a whiff of Manly Man needing a Manly Office to do Manly Things in? You don't say how old the children are (or did I miss it?) and I am assuming that they are both the same sex? If you aren't thinking that you will be able to move soon, then the children will need to stop sharing at some point so maybe he should start getting used to the idea?

DH and I do opposite WFH days but I would not want to work next to him, even though we get on well! I like quiet and being alone to concentrate on my WFH days

I’ve voted YABU because although I agree around kids having separate rooms at some point, I cannot think of anything worse than sharing an office with my partner. He would just grate on me all day in work mode. Someone I line manage also does and it drives me mad when I see him on teams listening in on confidential conversations.

I wouldn’t want to give up the relief of having a private space to work. Just because you manage in an open plan office doesn’t mean it isn’t mentally stressful to be working next to another person.

You need to figure out a way to provide private workspace for both of you. Can you split his office?

It's your home. The place you live with your kids. That has to be the priority. Not an exclusive office for you dickhead husband. Jeez!!!

Please let us know the outcome

Can't one of you change your WFH days so you both use the home office but on different days? This seems the simplest solution to me.

I do think that the children having their own space should be prioritised.

Well, it's very selfish to prioritise him having an office over your dc having a bedroom. That's pretty shitty parenting tbh.

Clearly your dc should have a bedroom each. If your dh really doesn't want to share an office, could you take turns using the office and using the kitchen table or somewhere like that? But he shouldn't get the office just on the basis he's less willing to prioritise his partner and dc than you are.

the children will need to stop sharing at some point

Why? Children have shared rooms forever. My sister and I shared a room until we both left home permanently. Of course we would have preferred not to, but it wasn't an option, so we just did it.

And if anyone suggested the reason I didn't want to share my workspace was because I wasn't really working or was doing something nefarious, I would fairly sharply tell them where to go and would be even less inclined to share.

You spend less time working at home then your kids spend in their bedroom so it does seem extravagant to have a room each in those circumstances

NRTF H doesn't want to share office space? He sounds protective of his space and not wanting you in it. What's he doing between calls etc I wonder. If it was my ex it would have probably meant looking at porn [pre internet days].

The DC should get their own room but I couldn’t share an office with my husband! Can one of you work in the kitchen or one of the bigger kids bedroom (a colleague does this and her husband works downstairs)?

I think the children need their own rooms but you and DH need to discuss and come to a sensible solution re office space
Can either of you juggle office days around a bit?
Could you have a desk in the kitchen/dining room/sitting room and take it in turns to have the office ?
Is the office big enough for a partition wall?

You definitely need to give the kids their own rooms but I wouldn't want to share an office with my DH. I was also going to suggest a desk in one of the kids rooms. Not ideal but maybe something to open the separate rooms negotiation with. Do you both have a long commute? Can you go into the office more? Or use a co-working space in school holidays?? Honestly as someone who works outside the home I cannot imagine sharing an office with my Dh.

What a selfish twat.
He absolutely doesn't want you to see how he spends his days.

He doesn't get to decide yes or no.

Your child should have his own room.
The teenage years are much calmer if bedrooms are not shared, although obviously not always possible.

I would be seriously so unimpressed with such selfishness.

Give your DC a room each. Share the office. If he won't share it at the same time, then share it so you have it one day and he the other and the one who's not in there works at the kitchen table.
The primary function of a home is place for its inhabitants to live. If he can't find a compromise so he can work there without impacting the quality of his children's home life, he needs to go to his office.

Change things around/declutter and replace the dresser with the desk seems the easiest solution?