DH’s sudden obsession with FIRE

[Firewife2]

FIRE is a sort of financial movement where you aggressively save/invest to be able to retire early /be financially free. DH is only 34 but discovered FIRE two years ago and is now utterly obsessed with it and investing aggressively. I don’t think being future aware it a bad thing, but it’s borderline obsession and I feel like he’s forgot to also live in the moment. Without being morbid, he might not even make it.

He earns a reasonable salary (takes home c.3K a month) and now allocates at least a third of this to saving/investing, so there is little room after bills for luxuries such as meals out etc.

I know it’s his choice, that’s obvious, but I am interested in what others think and it my viewpoint is unreasonable at all.

OP - does he really dislike his job? Is it fuelled by that?

I think it's a fascinating world but also agree that balance is key. For me, I'm really not sure I would want to retire at that age. I think my ideal would be consultancy / part time and just slowing down for more balance. However, I'm surrounded by people in my company in their 50s and 60s who are so youthful, loving life and adore their job and get a kick from it. It seems to give them drive and passion in their life. Work isn't always bad! It can be community, focus and purpose but again needs balancing with downtime.

Is he and all or nothing person in other areas of his life?

I’m a recent convert to FIRE although due to my age early retirement will be 60 so hardly a spring chicken but a good 8 years ahead of what the government has planned for me!

I am also saving aggressively, I still have holidays, do things with my kids, I just don’t waste money on things I deem frivolous. I use Vinted, shop at Aldi and haven’t allowed lifestyle creep when I’ve had a bonus/payrise.

i know I might be run over by a bus tomorrow, but hopefully I also might not and I know I’ll be happier in my older years with some money behind me.

the Rebel Finance school are running their free course on YouTube at the moment. Why don’t you start with the week 1 video and commit to trying to see your husbands perspective. It’s a fun, dynamic set of videos.

if after that you still don’t agree you might have to agree to disagree but perhaps try and see where he’s coming from, and be grateful he’s planning a nice future rather than drinking it away or wasting it on fast cars and fast women 😜

£1k a month is quite tame in the FIRE 'world' - certainly not an excessive amount (some people in a couple invest the entire second salary and scrape by to do so... it's wild!). Assuming you are earning as well... where is all the rest of the money going if his investing is costing you additional trips/meals out?

I'm saying all of this even though I'm someone who hates when my husband gets too serious about money and takes all of the fun out of spending for me.

The issue with FIRE is that its a bit of a cult to be honest. And there's overlap with the cryptobro / get exclusive access to my training course / manosphere mouvements.

I haven't heard of the term FIRE but my husband is definitely also leaning down this path. We share all income and savings with a healthy combined income. I must admit I do find it wild that he'll tell me we need to watch takeaway coffees or baulks at the cost of new jeans for himself, so we can meet the savings targets he's set. I'm grateful that he's so focussed on our future security but it is mildly annoying to feel like the approach to spending hasn't changed much since our early graduate days. I expect I annoy him too since I smile and nod, and then buy what I like anyway 😆

Neither your view nor his view is wrong, just different. If you are married though you need to find enough middle ground to work for both of you in how you manage money and live life.

What would you do if you split up? Hopefully these investments are split equally?

I’ve never understand why spendthrift means extravagant when thrift means being careful with money. So you’d thinking spend-careful with money would mean you’re frugal, not the opposite!

We did FIRE in our 20’s and 30’s (although it didn’t have that term back then). We lived off one wage and invested the second. Through that time we never felt deprived, had 3 kids in private school, still went on a holiday each year, was frugal rather than cheap. For us, it was about spending money on what aligned with our values ie. we didn’t enjoy takeaways or eating out so rarely spent on this. We always prioritised kids sporting activities and family holidays and budgeted for this accordingly. I will say cost of living was much lower so I think it was easier to do than today. We were also privileged to have good health, stable jobs with growing wages and supportive family.

We are now in our early 50’s, kids are in late teens, early 20’s and our investment income covers our living expenses so we can retire comfortably if we wish. At the moment we are still working part time because we enjoy it but we should never have to worry about money again which is a nice feeling. We are also starting to spend more on overseas holidays, buying kids cars, will help with house deposits etc. For us, the sacrifice has been worth but I think you both need to be on the same page for it to work.

Does this mean you are now spending proportionally more of your own income on the family ? Is there less going into your savings?

Feels like he's saving for a divorce if this was not a joint decision. Is he planning to wait for you for 18 years if he retires at 50, but you can't until 68?

Because thrift is from the same root as thrive, and originally meant prosperity. A thrifty person had wealth, and preserved it by spending carefully. A spendthrift spent it.

FIRE can be an extreme obsession, but saving 1/3 of take home pay - and still having £2k a month as his contribution to family spending - doesn't seem excessive. Assuming your earnings are similar, OP, plenty of people live comfortably on similar amounts. But having very different attitudes to money and life goals puts a big strain on a relationship.

You’re in an extremely privileged position though! Excellent public sector pensions and flexibility from 57! That’s pretty much what a load of people doing FIRE would be aiming for…

I’m not sure that FIRE for DH and not DH+OP really works. It sounds like you’re being excluded / ignored around the family budget, but also the future benefits. You have to have a discussion to get on the same page around costs / saving targets / retirement goals, and also what a quality lifestyle means to you both now.

Also - You mentioned he is investing aggressively and he has his projections. Wanted to ask if what age is targeted, and what assumptions are being made? Is the £1k on top of pensions ie maxing out employer match? Then re investments - he’s within (presumably S&S) ISA limits and looking at a balanced exposure - ie not tempted to make risky investments?

DH and I are currently doing FIRE but we have been clear and aligned on targets and also non-negotiables for us re lifestyle.

That one wage must have been pretty hefty to fund three kids through private school though!
What would be the FIRE obsessives’ attitude to private school I wonder.

For myself I have a mental picture of my finances as being three pillars: having fun and living life is one, paying off the mortgage and having no debt is the second, and pension is the third. I try to balance all three. Mortgage and no debt is ticked off so now I’ve increased savings but also increased fun!

@whiteblossoms i have two a private. It is £58, 7000 a year. Two day pupils.

that one salary must have been rather big

You are a couple and should be making these decisions together about how to live your life .

The bigger red flag is if he won’t compromise or think about your view point .

To me the OP reads as someone actually not happy with her DH generally. but who know given @Firewife2 doesn’t appear to wish to engage with the thread further

You’re not living frugally if you have two holidays abroad

And where is your definition of frugality to speak so definitively @Kindling1970

You never felt deprived because you had a ton of money, simple.

Indeed

not the sharpest tool in the box that one

My ex is the age he’s planning to retire and has less than a year to live, was super healthy, great shape then bang … terminal illness. Yes shrewd investing is a smart idea but not to the point of not enjoying life eg if you eat out weekly, switching to fortnightly and investing the difference is a balanced approach, if you take 4 short breaks and switch to 2 and/or find more economical options then that’s good, never taking a break is not worth it

My sincere apologies for having the nerve to have an early bedtime and not pull an all nighter to keep ‘Tepidwater’ up to date. How dare I!

I am happy with my DH in general, thanks.

Yeah mainly in index fund, he maxes his employer match for pension and doesn’t add any extra,

Financial planning and budgeting is usually done for the whole family. Are your finances entirely separate? That's unusual for a married couple.

Neither of you are BU, but your financial goals are not aligned. It sounds like the real issue is that you don't feel able to have a conversation about it where he listens to your point of view.