Transgender niece

[Stargazelamb]

My niece lives in another country and I’ve just heard that she is becoming a he. She has changed her name, is taking hormone medication and now has facial hair. She is a transgender boy. However she sees herself as a boy. AIBU to think she will never be a biological boy and to refer to her as a transgender boy? I realise this could be an emotive topic.

😍

You should see my armpits! You could plait my armpit hair!

Mine too, my OH did a double take earlier when I lifted my arms up!!!

It costs you nothing to acknowledge his choice. It won't have been easy at all for him and your attitude doesn't help and he's better off without you.

How is this any different than the things people used to say about gays? You also sound completely insane.

I’ve been thinking what might be helpful, given she is already taking testosterone etc, is just to be give her love and attention based not on her ‘identity’ but what her interests are and what she is hoping to do; and encouraging everything that joins the body to the mind like being outside in beauty, or being with animals, or making things etc.

Just be a real person with love for the person she is (not the costume and testosterone version but not saying “you are really a girl” either) who is always there.

It may not be possible but getting her away from the internet might help.

She may never de-transition and if you suggest it she may only insist on her transness more. So don’t try. But if she ever brings up depression for example maybe you could help her find a therapist ( who is an explorative rather than a transactivist one).

On the other board (Feminism:sex and gende) people might give you links to helpful resources.

How close are you with your niece? If it were my niece I'd be having a polite and caring conversation to see where it's come from and if there is anything I could do to help her learn to love herself as she is. If she is happy with her choice and you are convinced it's not some mental health crisis / social contagion then you have to accept she is an adult and you just need to be there and call her by her new preferred name.

I get that. I'd be distraught if this was happening to one of my niblings too. You love them and want the best for them

Unfortunately there may not be much you can do other than be there for her - this is a worldwide movement and not something you can fix by yourself

I would want to avoid "affirming" it as much as possible though. I wouldn't send celebratory cards or whatnot, I'd just carry on treating her as normal while using the name she prefers and avoiding using sexed words like him/her or man/woman to her face. Then at least if she has doubts later she might be able to back out without thinking "I can't change my mind now because everyone was so pleased for me when I transitioned". Just make it clear you love her whatever is going on

Gay and trans are completely different. Think for yourself for a moment.

What difference does it make to you? Honestly.

Are you seriously that unfulfilled?

You'd be surprised at how many people do go on to have children. There's research going on into the effects of testosterone on the developing foetus. People are generally advised to stop taking T when thinking of or becoming pregnant but many dont. Very selfish of them in my opinion.

Being gay doesn’t require anyone else to lie, being same SEX attracted doesn’t take away anything from anyone else. It doesn’t encroach on anyone else’s rights. Trans ideology does. It shouldn’t be this difficult to understand.

Dresses and skirts and high heels are also the go to of many many bio women. Do you feel they are modelling regressive gender stereotypes and should wear trousers like you? Why can’t they wear what they like? No one is any more or less a man/woman for what they wear. There are transwomen who wear jeans and t shirts, but the fact is they get jeered at for doing that as well. Why can’t they wear what they like?

This 👆

Are you aware how discussion forums work?

Eyeshadows aren’t that important in my life but I’ve just advised another poster on another thread which ones I prefer.

Because it's completely different to being gay.

Being gay is about acknowledging the reality of same sex attraction.

This is about young vulnerable women being convinced that they are somehow 'really' men even though that's biologically impossible.

I can never understand this argument. Do you always just assume that situations are analogous to completely different situations?

My niece also did this four years ago. I don't think I've ever had to refer to them as anything other than their new name and 'he'. Honestly the new name made it easy to use the new pronouns. It's not that hard whether you understand or agree with their reasons or not, as their appearance changes as well, and it becomes a new identity in my head. I find it a bit odd but see it as respectful to refer to them as they would like to be referred to.

The only bit I really have trouble with is knowing if its ok to talk about their childhood as she/ old name as that's how my memories of then are coded.

Which is what I did with my friend whose son became her daughter a few years ago. I treat her and speak to her as a young woman.

Again, people should wear whatever they like. How would trans identified men though show they are ‘women’? Jeans, a jumper and short hair isn’t going to cut it. Pun intended.

There was a time when the reality of being gay was not accepted, it was considered unnatural. Now we know it is not unnatural, it occurs in nature. How do you know there won’t be discoveries in the future that indicate a biological basis for being transgender? Do you think we already know everything there is to know about everything?

And also possibly gay teens who are living in a setting where being gay could be taboo can feel as if they might not really be the sex they were born.

Well if you wanted proof that TRA ideology is homophobic, it's all right here.

How dare anyone try to deny the reality of same sex attraction.

It’s difficult. The link between autism (high functioning) if you don’t mind that phrase and transgender is undeniable. Sadly a lot of places don’t offer dual therapy, lots of teenagers with ASD can’t access CAMH’s services.
They feel like misfits and assume the discomfort is caused by being in the wrong body.
My DD goes to a small school, most of the teenagers are on the spectrum, there is a high number of transgender students in the school, no surgery or hormone treatment yet. I use the name they choose if they visit or when chatting about them with DD. The FTM still look like females using a male name. Some use their dead name around parents.

What do you think homosexual means?

Trans people have the same rights as everyone else. Asking for additional ‘rights’ they’re not entitled to does encroach the rights of women, from trans identified men. Single sex provisions exist for a reason.

It is an ideology.

I don’t care. I prefer to live on reality island.