AIBU to expect support for marathon training with two children?

[Nowarunner2026]

Last year I was offered a place in the London Marathon via the Ballot. It is something I have always wanted to do, albeit I am an occasional runner (I ran 5k maybe every few weeks, much prefer walking or swimning) but it's a bucket list thing like i am sure it is for many people

Everyone was supportive and really encouraging, father in law brought me some running related gifts for my birthday, as did other family members etc. Everyone except DH. He threw the biggest strop ever, called me selfish for even thinking about it (we have 2 children 9 and 4) and accused me of sacrificing family time for some stupid dream. Says the man who goes to football every weekend, up ubtil recently worked shifts (earlies/lates/nights) still does shifts on occasion, and will doesn't think twice about going away with his friends

For whatever reasons I had to defer from last year (a knee injury which is now recovered and some family illnesses) and I still have my place this year as I was able to defer

Mentioned it to DH again and he refuses to talk about it. Point blank won't engage. Says that I he won't support me. Won't come and watch. Won't look after the kids when I want to go running etc.

I do understand that training for it is going to take time, especially early next year but it's also only for a few months, where as he has gone to football every weekend for 10+ years (including away games)

If this was you, would you expect some support for a short period ? Or am I being unrealistic?

Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like op has had any slightest chance to be a ‘regular’ runner for the last decade. Put yourself first op. No one else clearly is. Your husband puts himself first every single time without even pausing. Exercise is important.

Yep - the bottom line - exercise is sooooooo important

I did the Dublin Marathon a while back. I decided my training would consist of running 26 miles a week, with one long run of 10 miles, that I added a mile to every week. That seemed to be about the minimum proper training to get around. That is about 5 hours running a week. It is certainly a commitment.

In the actual race, I fell at 18 miles, cut my knee and needed medical attention. I was going to quit, then I saw someone had a banner "Pain is temporary, glory is forever" and I thought "I am finishing this". I limped the last 8 miles. Op, do it if you can, you will never regret it.

Perhaps, DH is jealous of all the attention you will get?

He really, really doesn't like you.

People who are saying "just get up at 5am and go, if DH refuses to prep the kids for school", or "leave the kids with a friend if he refuses to watch them" or "get a treadmill" are completely missing the point here.

The issue is not that she doesn't have childcare for her runs.

The issue is that her husband wants her to fail. At both the marathon and in her career. Now I can't tell you whether he loves her or likes her. Maybe he does, but his own overwhelming insecurities have led him to try and keep her small. That doesn't sound like love, or like, to me.

OP, I wish you the very best of luck in the marathon, and your training, however you end up structuring it. I do hope that you use this time to think about what you deserve from a life partner. Being on your own, even with kids, even though a hard divorce, even if you never meet someone else, is better than keeping yourself small so that you don't step on someone else's ego. You deserve someone who wants you to be the very best version of yourself.

I'd definitely be pushing back.

I'd mention equitable share of hobby time, if he goes football you get running time for the same amount of hours.

If he still acts like a dick be honest and call him out on it. Ask what his actual problem is, is he jealous or just vindictive.

This @Nowarunner2026 - just give him back what he gives you. Go out before he is due to go. Sod him!

Ive done 8 marathons since having kids (no more than 1/year) I run all year round, and I would say that there are probably 6-8 weeks of higher mileage for a marathon, mainly from a long run (maximum 2.5-3.5 hrs) other runs would be shorter. I dont think it massively impacted on family time, although for several I was working pt so still the main carer for DC.

@Nowarunner2026 getting a place in London marathon is so hard, id definitely take the opportunity. Find some running buddies if you can, because long runs are a lot more bearable with good company. I think your DH is being very unreasonable to not even enter a discussion on how it might affect his football trips work.

I was thinking about this thread (ironically on a run at 5am) after reading it and wanted to add my perspective as someone currently training for their first marathon. Firstly, I am a husband with a five-year-old, and I fully acknowledge that I have the male privilege of not being fussed about running in the dark (although it’s light at the moment anyway).

Pre-child, I played a sport that was my passion. It pretty much defined me: training twice a week and matches at weekends during the season. I’m also a big football fan and follow my team, but I now live five hours away, so a “home” game is a full day out. DW supports a different team.

When our child was born, I phased out my sporting hobby. I made the decision to stop playing with no pressure from my wife at all, and I stopped going to as many football matches. I maybe now do 5–6 a season, and it makes it harder to get tickets as I now have fewer points, but it’s a decision I made. I do bath and bedtime 6 out of the 7 days a week (I go out with a running club one day a week), and on Saturday/Sunday mornings I take our child to all his activities solo, apart from those 5–6 weekends a year I am away.

With the exception of that one night a week I go out with a club (as I really missed the social side and mental health benefits of giving up my sport rather than the sport itself, it turns out), all of my running is done either early in the morning or after bedtime. My long run is either on a Friday night or Sunday morning, but early enough that I am back, showered, and able to leave the house at 8:30 to take our child to Junior Parkrun (which he absolutely loves - I run with them and it’s always my favourite run of the week).

This is a lot of waffle and a very long-winded way of saying it’s a choice: he is actively making a choice that his time is more valuable than yours. Only you can decide if that’s enough to LTB, but perhaps point out that if you do that with 50/50 childcare he’ll be missing a lot more football matches.

Good luck with your training - I’d love to do London.

The more your DH says no, the more you will want to do it !

Find another female runner thst you can swap childcare with ?

I am team marathon, start training
Dont over do the training & watch out for injuries

Good luck !

Please come back next year and tell us you absolutely smashed the marathon

I’ve done London as well although generally stick to half marathons or shorter, which is a lot easier in terms of the training commitment (I managed London on 3 runs a week which was the bare minimum - 1 long easy, 1 intervals and 1 shorter easy). The bit that jumps out at me from this post is “and the day and a half afterwards lying down because everything hurts” - I feel like only a man could get away with this! More often than not I was scrambling around a soft play at a birthday party the afternoon after an 18 mile long run!

Actually one thing I did for some of the longer runs was pick a location where DH could entertain the kids while I ran, like a local national trust place with a bridleway near it, and then I’d meet up with them afterwards.

Also DH runs too, and does cycling events, so there is definitely a lot of give and take - sometimes I’m training for something and take priority, and other times he is. This is what it should be like for you, OP.

Im also 🤨 about the day and a half recovery afterwards! A 10 minute shower was usually my recovery time when DC were young!

He’s being a twat. My husband has run 2 marathons so far, one 2 years ago, one in May and has another is October, i fully support him and the training schedule even when that means he has long runs to do on holidays. He factors them in so it’s minimal impact on me and our daughter. It’s not like your doing this all the time, i don’t get why he’s against it. Also, they are his kids !!!! He can’t opt out of looking after them especially seeing he has hobbies that you enable.
He’s being very selfish.

Find another female runner you can swap childcare with.

Yes, that MUST be the solution: rather than a father parenting his own children, for whom he’s jointly responsible, definitely just make another equally time-pressed woman jointly responsible for kids. Because only women can look after children, AMIRITE?

I hope you have made your plan to get up and leave every day before football for a month, massage him and say ‘I’m out, you have the kids. support goes both ways, I will no longer parent while you enjoy your hobby since you refuse to even temporarily support me to train for a marathon. I offered you support when you wanted to do this, I am realising that perhaps you will never be there for me. Look after the kids well and think about how lucky you’ve been to be so supported in your hobbies.’
repeat next week ‘I’m out, you have the kids. Support goes both ways. I think I’ve balanced out the first week of 2023, if I start there only 3 years to catch up on.’

Nah. Divorce him, THEN run when he has the kids AND find another mum to swap with.

This is precious data, OP.

Your husband is telling you something important here: your needs and desires come last.

Take note and then take action.

The final box on the flow chart may well say LTB, but you're not there yet.

Apparently there’s a growing number of ‘mommunes’ where 2 single mothers get together to buy houses and live together. Great idea, you’d actually get support then.

‘Mommunes’??? 🤮

great idea though

He doesn't see you as an equal human being with the same right to follow your passions and succeed as him.

He sees your role as the support act for his main character role. Your "job" is to make his life easier and enable his dreams, not to have your own.

He will never be proud of you, support you, or celebrate you because to him, your only purpose is to serve his needs. The idea you might achieve something he can't, thus threatening his ego, is doubly insulting to this fragile manchild.

Match the leg strength you're gaining from marathon training and get some upper body training in by packing his bags and depositing them at the end of the driveway.

I’ll be frank and say I do always think about the partners at home when people train for things like this, or triathlons or long cycle rides- whatever. Having a hobby is fine, I run as well and sometimes very long distances but not at the detriment of my family. I try to make it work around them and my own work as much as possible e.g running on a break at work, running a long way to the train station after work, early morning, when I’m WFH and they’re at school etc rather than long days out at the weekend. Going for a short run at the weekend is fine obviously but marathon training will surely see you out of the house a lot.

Why are you still with him?

Your husband is jealous of you , and hates the fact that you are challenging yourself, he feels inferior, and doesn't like the fact you are doing something just for you
Please do not give up on a dream .